Assertiveness

If you feel like other people are constantly pushing you around, mistreating you, or just generally being rude and inconsiderate- you probably have a problem being assertive enough. Being assertive is a defensive posture- it's not about getting other people to do what you want- it's about preventing others from taking advantage of you. To be effectively assertive, you have to understand the nature of power. One has power when they have legitimate control over the actions of others or the situation at hand. Frequently people use manipulation, intimidation, and the threat of creating hassles to get their way even when they don't have legitimate power.

That's where you see dishonesty as a means to gain control of a situation- be as aware as possible. It's generally safer to be careful and assume the person has some level of power but it never hurts to ask- what gives you the right to tell me what to do?

Knowing when a person does or doesn't have legitimate power is essential to the process of reacting to real life situations. You can better determine a person's legitimate power by asking a series of questions: Does this person have any real authority? What will happen if I don't play this person's game? Is this person merely trying to get their way or do they have the means to genuinely effect the outcome? Who died and put this person in control?

A person who works with you on your job may act like they have legitimate power over you when all they really have is 3 months seniority at a place that doesn't give a damn about seniority. You may be able to look them in the eye and say, "thanks for the suggestion but I'm going to do it the other way." Letting people boss you around when they have no legitimate power means that everybody around the situation will tend to respect you less. Think about it- when you see somebody jumping hoops to please somebody who has no real power over them, don't you think less of them? Don't you respect the person who says, "I heard what you said but that's not the way I'm going to do it unless my supervisor tells me to do it that way."

The police, teachers, parents, school administrators, bosses- these are people with legitimate power. But even that cuts off at a certain point. If your boss tells you to do something dangerous (unless danger is a featured part of your job) you have every right to say no to them. You can respect the power of others without enslaving yourself to them. Part of that is in understanding they have a superior position to you- they are not superior people because of that. You continue to have rights even with people who have a certain amount of power over you.

Being assertive means you can say no to people with confidence. It means you get to stand up for yourself when people are trying to step on your rights. Even if you don't have a powerful personality or a lot of physical presence- by simply committing yourself to protecting your rights whenever possible- you will note that people will tend to stop trying to take advantage of you as much. Keeping some snappy retorts handy is always a good policy in defending yourself against would be antagonists.

Being gay only means you're attracted to people of the same sex. It in no way means that you are weak, that you're not worthy of respect, or that you have to let people use you as a punching bag. Take the steps to stop people from walking on you. Do it in a nice, classy way when you can but do it.