Hello, I'm a (mostly)strait(sp) (dyslexic) male. I mean, I'm really mostly strait. I was on the swim team for 2 years without incidence. OK, that's a lie :eusa_liar . I'm a somewhat closseted bisexual. When I was on the swim team, I always hid in the far corner of the locker room as the other guys talked about sex. Saw plenty of guys naked but ever had a woody from that. So I've been mostly strait my whole life. I was homeschooled throughout middle school and high school. I was ALONE. I "discovered" mastrubation at 14 not knowing it had anything to do with sex(not sure if I even knew what sex was). I watched strait porn up untill a few months ago. I finnally decided I was so disgusted with it that I didn't want to watch it anymore(I wasn't watching anything weird either, I just feel badly for the actresses regardless). I don't have ANY desire to go back now. And that's a fact. I have never had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. I am VERY inexperienced for a 20 year old. I have had crushes of both genders. And yet, I've always been so sexually prudish, that up untill a year ago, besides my "guilty habit" of pornography, I had NEVER fantasized about sex with either gender. I'm not asexual, I just blocked it out completely(well, almost completely). A year ago, at the start of college, that kind of changed. I started fantisizing about sex with girls. I feel much more strongly arroused by girls than I do by boys. But that arrousal is unpleasant for me, as I said, I'm an awfull prude for some reason(though I'm not religeous). Most boys turn me off, unless I know them really well. A few months ago "everything" changed. This was when I stopped watching pornography. I love the idea of complete independence(remember, I spent most of my pubecent life completely ALONE that is friendless and without parental supervission) so I tried being metally celibate(which is impossible). That failed(duh). One time during this period I went out for beer with some good friends. One of them is a bisexual man I'll call him B. B and I are quite close, and we talk openly about sexuality. We were playing a game where I was prettending to be in love with him. He's tall, with broad, strong shoulders, and thoughtful blue eyes that tend to stare off into the distance, and he's really sweet and sincere, and actually truely wants to be a good person <3 (an entire site just about love, and not a single heart icon, WTF guys!?) so after a while "pretending" to be in love with him wasn't that hard for me. At one point in the evening, after a few beers, I curled up onto his sholder. I felt warmth, and calm, and peace, that I had never before experienced in my life. It wasn't sexual arrousal. I'd have to work to be arroused by a man. It was just perfect bliss. I felt safe. I would give up all the sexual fantasies I have ever had about women, in order to feel that kind of bliss on a day to day basis... B doesn't love me though (I think I'll get over it) A few weeks later, I went to a club, and experienced my first kiss(this time with a woman). She kissed me(not the other way arround), and tried to feel me up. To me this was the most highly arrousing experience I had ever had. But her kiss tasted awfull, and the feeling of unknown hands on my body made me cringe and batt her away. Don't make fun of me for this, but I think the only thought in my head besides "gawd, what was this woman drinking, this tastes awful" was "OMG OMG, maybe after tonight I'll finally be able to tell my sister I'm not a virgin anymore! Then I'll be a real man and not the loser I am today!" But obviously, we didn't go through with it, since I decided on defending my genitals against strange touch over a one night stand. A few weeks latter, I ended up on B's sholder again. Same perfect bliss and peace as before(and this time a little arrousal). I felt I'd be willing to do anything(including sex, though at the time I really fealt that I didn't want to have sex with men) in order to stay with B. But I reallised that wasn't going to happen. So B is just my friend for now. My problem is, however. Ever since I ended up on B's sholder, I've been looking at SOME men differently. I think to myself, maybe they could give me that same feeling. I guess at this point it's clear to me, that I want to end up with a man. But I'm still arroused by women. And here in lies the problem. I no longer have a "safe group" to be close too. I'm obviously atracted to both genders. I guess I'm just lost and confused. For a while there, B was my "go to" person for advise about all things sexual. But I think my little episode of "self discovery" has put a little brake in that. And since I'm straitish, my female friends aren't exactly "safe" either. I guess I feel kind of alone. I'm not sure who IRL I sould be open with.
Hey, welcome to EC! I don't think there are any quick answers here. You are discovering things about yourself as you go out with friends, hit the club, etc. Just keep doing that kind of stuff, getting out and experiencing life. Don't try to label yourself now because you are still learning what you like and what you don't. Everything you said about 'B' makes him a candidate IRL to be open with...but of course it would work a lot better if you can separate the discussion you guys have from your desire to be closer to him. I mean, he might also know some other gay/bi guys that you could meet/hang with. Anyway, all the best and stick around!
Luckly, at my school "every other man is gay." I know some gay people allready, but as olides84 said, I don't know enough to lable myself yet. So I cannot come out as something, if I don't know what I am. I'm not sure how to present myself to them. And since they all know B, it's a little bit weird talking about the feelings I had over B with them. I guess I'm a little embarrased to talk with B too much about it, because I always envisioned that "game" as a game of "lets show everyone how strait we are by pretending to be gay and being totally not," and here, playing this "show everyone our straitness" game I discovered that I'm really not. B says that I'm certainly absolutely gay if I didn't enjoy the kiss with the woman and am acting/feeling this way towards him. But that doesn't make any sense, if I'm so much more arroused by women. And infact, I'm not even sure if I know what gay sex is. I wouldn't know how... I guess I have a question for you guys. Two different experiences: 1) I see a girl with "perky" breasts and very feminine curves walk past, I try not to look, but she's just soo beatiful. And I feel a little arroused. 2) I'm sitting alone in a room with a boy who's playing the piano, and I look at his eyes and his hands, and the certainty with which he plays. I don't feel arroused by this, but I feel utter peace and happiness in this moment. I would choose the seccond over the first any day. So my question is, is the seccond experience a "homosexual" experience. Or something other than "sexuality" entirely?
First off, welcome to EC! If you are looking for someone to talk to in real life then I would suggest just talking to any good friend about it. If you have anyone you can trust on your side then you should be able to talk to them about your feelings and just vent with them. That said, you always have us until then You could always just go with the bicurious label or even just label yourself as "not knowing yet". The purpose of a label is to try and get a broad idea of what its going on at a certain moment and not something that you have to stick to for the rest of your life. As for your sexuality, I think you are paying too much attention to the sex part of your sexuality and not enough to the romantic part. Being attracted to men is not just about sex, but its also about the feeling you get when you are with them while you aren't having sex. Based on your explanation, it is very possible that you are at least emotionally attracted to men. Have you heard about the kinsey scale? Its a pretty awesome tool that can help you understand just how fluid human sexuality can be. Take a look at it and try to think where you fall on it right now. It might help clear some things.
I'd say for this guy, especially how separated he seems to be. Check out the Klein graph. Differentiates romantic and sexual attraction.
Today I talked with B and told him how I was feeling. He was really kind and supportive. He didn't seem to mind at all. He said that it's fine to be gay, and he has lots of gay friends to whom he'll introduce me so that I can start to figure this all out. It was really weird to use the G word to reffer to myself. I feel like I've been denying it all my life. I've been being "accused" of being a girl since I was 6 years old and entered school, and I've been being "accused" of being gay since I hit peuberty. I've adimantely denied all those "accusations". Yet it spite of myself, I guess all those "accusations" were true. In retrospect I'm a Kinsley 4/5 I guess when I was a young teen I thought to myself "yeah, I know I'm bisexual, but that's OK, I can ignore/hide the 'gay' side..." I've been spending a lot of energy over the past years trying to be strait. You're right, TheEdend, there's a lot more to this than "just sex." For me, I'm NOT masculine, and while I'm a little afraid of masculinity, I'm also quite attracted to it. Almost all my friends are female. And there's a reason for that, which is that I've been "running from" my bisexuality. Today I feel very happy in saying that I am gay. Because I've come to realise that I've been spending a lot of energy trying to CHANGE MYSELF into a strait masculine male so that I can be with a woman. If I'm capable of being "gay" then I'm "alowed" to BE MYSELF and be with a man. Ironically, today, I also feel a great deal of very "masculine" like anger. I feel like I could kick every bully who ever called me a "girly girl" in the balls and declair for once for all "I'M NOT GAY!" So today, I have to say to myself "I AM gay" That's a really strange and scarry word for me right now. I mumble it under my breath, then run and hide at the other side of the house, afraid the neighbors will hear...
^ That's awesome! You have already taken the first step and most important step, and thats coming out to yourself Congrats! It is weird to say it and even typing it, but keep at it and it will stop feeling weird with time
Hi, and welcome to EC! Glad you've found us! It takes a while to be comfortable with the label of "gay". "Bi" is a challenge too, but less so because it's less threatening... you can always tell yourself you want to be with a woman and, as a bi man, you have that option. But when you label yourself "gay" that sort of goes out the window. Along with your mental images of yourself in the "normal" family situation of a wife, 2.3 kids and a white picket fence around your house and a dog and so forth. Now of course, there's another "normal" which can be exactly the same except with a male "wife" instead of a female one but most people have a hard time accepting that that can be "normal." In your case, I think you have already done all the hard work; you are mostly comfortable with the label of being gay, and there's an incredible weight lifted when you realize you can stop acting and trying to be "straight." And... doesn't it suck when everyone knew it but you? That seems to happen to a lot of people, but the bottom line is, that also makes it easier to come out, because they already know! Of course, there is the issue of admitting you were avoiding it all these years but I have yet to hear of anyone who, once they came out, had anyone bitching at them "But you said you were straight all these years! You were lying! Bad, bad bad!." At most there's some surprise or shock, but that usually goes away pretty quickly. In any case, you seem on your way to being comfortable with yourself. Stick around here, talk about whatever is coming up for you, and read some of the experiences that others are having. I think you'll find it really helpful.
I'm sorry, but really? As a bi guy, and I've heard other bi guys say this as well, it is more of a challenge than being gay. First off, everyone wants to see us as 'confused' - our sexuality isn't taken seriously by some people. We tell a straight girl, chances are she'll become turned off because she thinks we'll go after a guy. We tell a gay guy, chances are he'll go on and on with an endless rant about how he 'used' to be bi too. Not to mention some days where you're only interested in girls and wonder, then the days where you're only interested in guys and wonder. When the only one confused is society since they raised you to think in black and white terms. Then there's the relationship aspect of those who 'accept' us, but wouldn't 'date' us because they feel "threatened" we'll run off with the other gender. Not everyone is this judgmental, but the fact that some on both sides still think we're the minotaur in the room? Not so easy. So, less of a challenge? That's in the eyes of the beholder. As said, I've heard many bi guys say being gay would be a lot simpler.
Wow, you're right...we do have quite a few similarities. You know though, just because a man has a sensitive side and respects women doesn't mean they are gay necessarily, so I wouldn't be so quick to think of yourself this way. I've often been disgusted by the way I've seen other men treat women (did you know about 1/3 of women will be sexually and/or physically abused in their lifetime?) so something else that factors into my lack of action is wanting to separate myself from the jerks. Theoretically you'd think women would like nice guys, but instead they fall for the fast moving insincere types who will say anything to get 'em in bed and look at women as just another notch in their belt. Ugh, it disgusts me. I see a similar attitude in your dislike of boy/girl porn. Don't you hate it for instance when a woman is giving a guy a bj and he grabs her head and forces her deeper? I sure do. So idk about you, but basically I get paralyzed by fear and perhaps I treat women with a little TOO much respect. I mean I "dated" a girl for over a year and never once tried to kiss her because I was afraid of screwing up, of not knowing if she liked me in the same way I liked her and therefore possibly offending her, etc. Also didn't help that she was like a "Super-Christian" and I wasn't sure if she approved of kissing before marriage (I've known some who even want to wait for 1st kiss to be on the altar believe it or not)
