Hi, I have a lot of thoughts in my head. I was hoping that someone could give me some advice. This is going to quite a long post so apologise in advance. This autumn will be 4 years since I first realised that I was different. It wasn't until a few months later I started to question my sexulity. The last time I truly remember being happy was my early primary years. (So about 10 years ago, I just turned 17) Because of my sexuality other problems began to appear. Because I'm extremley introverted I found it easy to distance myself from people. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to about my issues. Lately I been thinking; Is there any point in life and should I just kill myself? At first, I was freaked out, but now the sucidial thoughts feel normal. I just sometimes think about to kill time sometimes. Has anyone else ever felt like this? As the days go by it just seems like an attractive option. I feel lonely and if I'm going to die alone anyway why shouldn't it be sooner rather than later. A part of me hates myself for being like this there are people who are worse off. I try and make myself feel better by saying "Cmon, Who the **** wants to be normal?" but it doesn't work anymore. All these feelings make me confused and nothing seems to make sense. It turns out that I have most of the symptoms for depression but I don't believe it; is it possible I think I have depression just so I can justify my negative feelings towards myself and the world? I honestly don't know. I haven't talked about my sexuality yet, so here goes. I'm not sure whether I'm gay or bisexual. I know for fact I like guys. I have fancied girls before but I seem to fancy guys more. Is it possible that I'm trying to make myself think I like girls so I feel more normal? If you've read this and make sense of this, then your amazing. Any advice?
I always think that "what is the point of life?" is the wrong question. I prefer to ask myself "what is the point of death?" I have the same problem with wondering whether I'm fully gay or not. So, you're not alone in that (*hug*)
Kinsey actually outlined this perfectly. KINSEY SCALE "STRAIGHT" 0 = EXCLUSIVELY HETEROSEXUAL 1 = PREDOMINATELY HETEROSEXUAL, INCIDENTALLY HOMOSEXUAL 2 = PREDOMINATELY HETEROSEXUAL, MORE THAN INCIDENTALLY HOMOSEXUAL "BI" 3 = EQUALLY HETEROSEXUAL AND HOMOSEXUAL 4 = PREDOMINATELY HOMOSEXUAL, MORE THAN INCIDENTALLY HETEROSEXUAL 5 = PREDOMINATELY HOMOSEXUAL, ONLY INCIDENTALLY HETEROSEXUAL "GAY" 6 = EXCLUSIVELY HOMOSEXUAL X = ASEXUAL "Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects." - Alfred Kinsey I'm a 2.5. I see it as the confusion comes from thinking black and white. "Am I fully gay?" If you're even questioning that, I highly doubt you are. It's just you think that way due to the world raising you to see it as a black and white issue. If you lean more towards guys, but also like girls - you'd be a 4 or 5. If you find it keeps changing - you'd be a 3. If you lean more towards girls, but also like guys - you'd be a 1 or 2. I highly doubt most people are exclusively a 0 or 6. Rarely anything in our lives is an "either or," so why would this be the exception? Thinking in terms of labels just muddles the situation, believe me. There are some times when I find myself only attracted to girls and ask "was the other side manufactured? Maybe I am straight." While at times when I check out guys, I ask the same exact thing. But, then I realize - no, because the other side is still there. In ancient society and areas of the world where these labels don't exist - people would look at you odd for asking if it is "either or," which to me shows and demonstrates the power labels have on our psyche. So, I doubt it's confusion - just the "either or" 'doctrine' while growing up. Look at the power labels held in Stanford (Prison Experiment).
Well, there isn't a point to death. It's just a fact. But I struggle to see the point to life. So in the end I find myself wondering does it matter I'm dead or alive? Do people just go on because they are simply scared of dying? Isn't that the reason why religion exist? Like I said before I have a lot of thoughts in my head.
Hi there! First off: (*hug*) You have already taken a major step forward. You have started to talk about your sexuality and even just by saying that allows you already to start exploring your feelings and begin the process of coming to terms with your sexual identity, whatever it might be in the end. Perhaps not attaching a label to your feelings for now might actually make things easier on you. It doesn't matter whether you are bisexual, gay, straight or anywhere on the sexuality spectrum, you are normal. If you think about it, does it really matter as to whether you have feelings for a guy or girl or both? Nope, it doesn't. Your sexual identity, although a part of you, does not define you, it does not make you the person that you are deep inside of you. You have your own personality and qualities that are independent (to a large extent) from your sexual identity. And there is something else that you have already mentioned that could help you in beginning to address the issues you are facing at the moment. You have realized that you are depressed and have symptoms of depression. Depression in itself can make us feel that life isn't worth it and that we are alone, when in fact the opposite is the case. Often times when we face barriers and detours in life we struggle and don't know what to do. But as we seek and ask for help, and start addressing one issue at a time, we start overcoming the barriers and also begin to feel differently about life. Have you thought about talking to a counselor at school about your thoughts and feelings? Keeping all of your feelings and thoughts to yourself and not having an outlet for them can cause you to feel depressed and as you have realized even contemplate ending it all. When we don't talk about things that are bothering us, and leave it all inside, they become larger because new stuff is being added and new feelings and thoughts are popping up as well. By joining EC and by posting what you have posted not only have you already reached out and asked for help but a part of you might realize that "I'm not all that alone," there is someone listening. (*hug*)
I see what you mean. I do kind of see things as black or white. It's quite strange that you brought up labels as I do try not to label people but I didn't see that I was doing it to myself. You've given me quite a lot to think about. ---------- Post added 11th Jun 2011 at 10:59 PM ---------- My college doesn't have a counselor and I can't afford one. Also I'm not sure I'm entitled to counselling on the NHS. Also, I don't think I'm ready to see a conselor yet.
It's still a struggle for me, because a lot of us were raised "either gay or straight." When I was growing up, schools never taught bisexuality or that it's a continuum - so I went most of my life thinking I was a 'strange straight guy.' Luckily, it seems TV shows are starting to incorporate it and people are starting to come out as "just not straight" and somewhere in the middle. Thus, in time people will hopefully stop seeing it that way. Labels can either help - as in uniting people - or be very damaging - in Stanford it turned peers and friends against each other to lethal degrees in order to become either prisoners or guards. To me, that's what the Stanford Prison Experiment always showed. Not conformity, but the lengths people were willing to go to adhere to their label. They were ordinary Joes off the street, radically changed upon a simple adjective being added to them.
I like the stanford example and unfortunately theres not much more I can add just listen to all the advice given here and please for the sake of yourself and the lgbt community (cuz we all love you)do not do anything drastic
