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Coming out - how to bring it up?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by highlights, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. highlights

    Regular Member

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    I want to be completely out by this time next year.

    So, I worked out who the important people in my life are, who are the ones I will tell first.
    These people are; my parents and my friends. I have 4 friends who are bi or gay.

    My question is, how do I go about it?

    I was thinking National Coming Out day, so I could be like "guess what today is, and I have something to tell you!" but that would be kinda lame. It's also like, a few days before my final exams, so pretty bad timing if they take it badly.

    I was thinking I could ask them how they would feel if I was lesbian/bi, and then tell them. But I worry that I might get a bad response and then not want to come out.

    I also don't want to tell too many people before my parents, in case they get annoyed they were the last to find out. But I want friends to talk to after I tell my parents.

    I'm realy stuck here :/
     
  2. Fiddledeedee

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    Maybe you could come out to your 4 bi/gay friends first, perhaps by asking them about their sexuality if they feel comfortable talking about it and then saying that you are bi. I'm spending some time "sounding out" my friends about how they feel about LGBT people; their responses are helping me decide who to come out to and when/in what order. The first friend I came out to, people were calling her "lesbo" and "dyke" as she had had her hair cut short; I was reasonably sure she would be accepting and discrete so we briefly discussed homosexuality and then I told her.

    I guess another thing to remember is not to come out faster than you want to. It's great that you have a target to help keep you motivated (I wish I had one but I honestly don't know what a good time would be), but don't rush it. I am making sure that the people I have told, though they are utterly fine with me being bi, still have time to recognise that I am the same person as before. The next person I want to tell will get back on Wednesday from a couple weeks in France. On the other hand, don't use "not rushing it" as an excuse to completely stall the process. If you are sure you feel comfortable telling someone, do so even if it seems soon. Wait . . . I should probably take my own advice!

    I know what you mean about coming out to parents; I need a little web of friends who know before I will feel comfortable telling Mum as I need somewhere to go for a couple hours/overnight if necessary, but I don't want to tell too many people as she might hear it secondhand or think I love them more than her. As for how to do it, make sure you pick a non-busy time and possibly ensure there is someone they can talk to about it. I want to do mine by letter and speak with my vicar so Mum can get help from him. I also will probably have one of PFLAG's excellent booklets printed out. However I won't come out to Mum for a good long time yet so I have plenty if time to change my mind!

    I would love to come out on National Coming Out day, but as nobody would get the reference I probably won't bother.

    Good luck!
     
    #2 Fiddledeedee, Jun 12, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2011
  3. steel03

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    It's okay to tell other people before your parents. This is about you, not them. For me, about 14 people knew before my mom and dad. In the past, I've started with something like" Can I tell you something" or "I have to tell you something" or "I have something important to tell you." It's hard bringing it up!
     
  4. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    All of your ideas seem pretty great if you ask me.

    I would definitely start with your gay/bi friends if you trust them. Tell them however you feel more comfortable and natural to you. Since they are gay/bi try to not worry too much about the perfect time or way to do it. They will definitely understand how awkward/nervous coming out can be, so try to not over think it :slight_smile:

    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  5. roberthere

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    Don't wait for any day to tell your feelings. Whenever you have the courage to tell them, just do it!!!
     
  6. BlueFoxfireS8

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    Everyone's already covered about your bi/gay friends so I'll try helping with your family. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    There is a lot of significance in them being the first or at least near that, because they would want to know you trust them(if they won't freak out) and that it was meaningful to you that they know first(or somewhere along there).

    I would really go for finding out their attitude towards LGBT people but asking them in any way or even hinting may give away too much too quickly. I say, just watch out for opportunities when they would see or have to say something about it and work your plan from there.

    I'm not too concerned with my own situation so I can't say I am right but this is what I just see as the most helpful and I really hope that I wasn't being senseless. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. Jonamo

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    that's what i did/am doing/have done. I asked one how he came out and what it was like, and from that he basically knew. That way you can safely broach the topic with people who have been in a similar situation and can give you advice and be there for support.