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Yet another confused queer girl...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sascha, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. sascha

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    Hey everyone,

    I'm new here and hoping that someone will be able to hear me out and help me figure my situation out. I feel so confused and lost and uncomfortable.

    I'm splitting up with my boyfriend of five years and I think I'm gay. The only thing that makes me doubt it is that I grew up thinking I was straight, and I have always thought that to be gay you would have to have known all your life and never been attracted to guys. my story is a little more confusing than that though.

    I lost my virginity at 15 to my best (male) friend. All while growing up until my teen years, I had boy crushes and not once did women enter my mind romantically. I'm not sure now if this was because I felt genuinely attracted or if I just went along with what was expected. I never knew being with a woman was an option. I had sex with a lot of men in my teen years and had two relationships with men that lasted a year or more. When I think back to it, I felt that I was physically attracted to them. But I also had incredibly low self esteem, and whenever my friends asked me what my type was I would say, "I'm attracted to guys who are attracted to me".. thinking back on that now it seems ridiculous, i didnt know what i was attracted to at all, maybe i just liked the attention... I loved male attention, and was rarely single.

    I had my first female curiosities when I was 16 for my best friend at boarding school. I didn't have a boyfriend the whole year i was there, a very rare stretch for me. I never honestly considered sleeping with my friend (maybe because I had no idea how that would even work at the time) but I daydreamed of making out with her, and at bars when guys hit on one of us when we didn't want it, I enjoyed the fact that we'd say we were gay to get away from them. I planned a vacation with her and my goal for that vacation was to make out with her, and i did, but it never went further than that. It never crossed my mind that i might be gay though, not once. i just figured it was curiosity. Funny enough, I did have a crush on a boy there too but he was gay!

    After that I started dating another boy and I honestly felt that I was attracted to him, i got butterflies in my stomach, it felt like love at first sight and i definitely loved him. But thinking back on it now I remember that I didn't like sleeping with him, I tried to think of excuses to get out of it. eventually I convinced him to become religious and that we should stop having sex because we werent married, and i was so relieved that i wouldnt have to deal with sex anymore. i wonder now if i was genuinely attracted or i just felt that i needed someone to care for me emotionally, as i was also in the midst of dealing with an eating disorder. maybe i didn't want to sleep with him because i felt too bad about myself to feel sexual? or maybe i am gay. not sure.

    After we broke up I remember seeing a gay girl on a tv show and having a MAJOR crush on her. She was always my fantasy when I was pleasing myself. It still never crossed my mind I might be gay though, even when at 18 I was planning a trip and I kept hoping and visualizing that I'd meet a beautiful woman there and have an affair with her. It turns out, I did meet her- the first gay woman I'd knowingly met face to face. We had an amazing affair. I had introduced myself as bisexual, because I didn't feel I could be gay but I couldn't tell her I was straight either obviously. even though it only lasted three weeks, I really fell for her. and that was the first time I asked myself if maybe i was gay. i remember one other woman talking to us and asking about our relationship, and when i told her i was bisexual she said, 'oh, I just assumed you were gay'. at that time, me being gay just sounded so beautiful and perfect.

    i then became very confused and after that ended i started spending every waking moment trying to figure out my sexuality. i definitely felt attracted to women, but i thought i couldnt be gay having grown up sleeping with men and thinking i'd been attracted to them and calling myself straight. i assumed that despite my recent attraction to women and disinterest in men, it would only be a matter of time before my passion for men returned.

    at the same time though i tried to rekindle my attraction to men and they just didn't hold the same appeal to me anymore since my affair with the woman. i then went on to make out with and date a few women, but didnt sleep with any more. i decided to sleep with a guy who had a crush on me to test out my sexuality. but in the back of my mind i kept telling myself, 'you're bi, you can't be gay'. even though i thought i was crushing on him and it felt good to hold his hand, sleeping with him there was zero chemistry for me. i told him a week into it that i thought i was gay, even though i thought there was no way i could be.

    for some reason we ended up back together and he promptly got me pregnant. fast forward five years later, we have a daughter and are about to split up and i'm right back where i was before. our sex life has sucked, but i mostly chalked that up to never having been attracted to him to begin with, not because of his gender but because we didn't have chemistry. but now i'm wondering again if its because i am truly gay. and I mostly didnt think about my sexuality all during our relationship... maybe it was too hard to think about. and now its rearing its head again. i feel more gay than ever but i still feel like i can't call myself that. i still feel like i grew up thinking i was straight and if i were really gay, i would have known sooner, i wouldnt have ever been attracted enough to a man to sleep with him.

    when i told this to my therapist however, she said 'wow you are lucky you realized so young, at 24, that you're gay'. i thought... young? i feel i should have known much much sooner than this. i don't feel i can say for sure i am gay, let alone come out to someone, because i dont feel legitimate. reading stories of many lesbians, they all say they knew they were gay growing up and that being with men felt wrong... it didnt feel wrong to me, until after i'd slept with a woman at age 18.

    does anyone have a similar story?
     
    #1 sascha, Jun 12, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2011
  2. sensitiveguy22

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    Well perhaps this is mis-information but I've heard almost all girls are at least a little bi and sometimes straight girls will convert because "women know what women like", for instance girls might give 'em the softer touch and emotional connection (with sex being more emotional for women) and such that they might not get from guys. I actually just happened to be reading this article on the topic the other day...

    Being Bi-Sexual in a Straight Relationship

    So maybe you are lesbian or maybe you are just looking for someone who satisfies your needs better :slight_smile:
     
    #2 sensitiveguy22, Jun 12, 2011
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  3. Just Passing

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    I'm not too similar being a guy and being younger than yourself, but it does sometimes take a while, if not a long time for some LGBT individuals to recognise their sexuality. Some people don't discover until later on like in their forties and fifties and sometimes have been happily married for several years (I know some of the staff here would kindly explain that if it was relevant).

    Anyway, at sixteen, you clearly had some sort of feelings for girls, even if you couldn't act upon them straight away or wasn't sure about yourself sexually, but it's a good start and from what I can tell, you appreciate women sexually more then men, so the chances are that you're gay or bisexual with a preference leaning towards women.
     
  4. thedylan

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    Well it didnt take me as long but I would chalk that up to how ever much experience you have had and well I left my parents house at an early age but I have come out as bisexual lately and its proving to feel right, but as for you I think you are at a young enough age that you still have time to fool around. As four the bi-sexual community I find it really fun because you cannot only sleep with men but you can sleep with women as well and I find it if not erotic but hypnotizing. I believe that you should explore more and maybe join some local lgbt groups because you would be suprised but a lot of people go through the same thing as you. So just keep your head up because with a dark face no one looks pretty.
     
  5. Anne Nonymous

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    I think it's so fascinating how everyone experiences their sexuality differently. I wouldn't worry about feeling "legitimate." You have nothing to prove to anyone. I don't know if it'll help you at all, but I can tell you my story.

    I've known I was gay since I first started having sexual thoughts. Boys never appealed to me the same way they did other girls. I didn't wanna live with one, let alone marry one. Even when I was a little girl, there was no Ken in my Barbie Dream House :lol: My first crush was on a female friend of mine and it ended badly. Very badly. So, I spent a long time trying to make myself straight.

    I dated boys. I made out with boys. I had sex with two of them. Not at the same time, of course :grin: At no point was I "in love" with any of them. I liked them a lot ... they were smart, kind, strong. They were all attractive in that could-almost-be-a-girl teen preppy way. But I didn't get all dewy-eyed at the thought of spending the rest of my life with any of them. And when we were intimate, I felt practically nothing. I wasn't turned on, but I wasn't weirded out or disgusted either. Eventually, each relationship broke down. We could never fully meet each others' needs.

    Pretending to be straight was getting too old, so I was ready to start pretending I was asexual. Then fate intervened. Last summer, I decided to take a dance class to help me prepare for varsity tryouts. One of the other students would become my first true love. We started hanging out after the class was over. We had SO much in common. Not only were we both committed dancers -- we love the same music, see the world the same way, and have very complimentary senses of style. We became close friends pretty quick.

    One day, as I often managed to do, I messed up a triple pirouette, and fell flat on HER face. Yes, I fell right into her and brought us both down -- me splayed out on top of her like a blanket of derpitude :icon_redf I was completely embarrassed, but she was laughing it off. We laid there on the floor for a while, her laughing hysterically and me turning several lovely shades of red, and then it dawned on me how much I seriously enjoyed being so close to her. It suddenly seemed so stupid and pointless to ignore or deny it.

    She'd come out to me as a lesbian shortly after we first met -- and would sometimes make little flirty remarks to me. While we were laid out on the floor, she said, "you might wanna get off of me before someone sees and thinks you're a lezzie too." That's when two little words popped out of my mouth: "I am." She didn't say anything else, but her face was all like: "yeah, I know." Then she kissed me. And it was just about the best f-ing feeling in the whole world.

    I had found someone I could love ... body, mind, and soul. If there was any doubt before that, and honestly there wasn't much, it was completely gone after. I am gay.

    For what it's worth, that's my story of experiencing love (and lust) for the first time (!)
     
  6. TheEdend

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    First of, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Seems like you have gone through a lot, but its good that you are taking your time to figure things out.

    The first thing that I want to say is that in no way can anyone "convert" to being a lesbian or bi in order to be less lonely. If that was the case then every single lonely person out there would be gay already.

    From what you are saying it seems like you might be bi with a preference to women, but only you can be the judge of that. Maybe you can check the Kinsey scale and see where you fall on it. Its a pretty awesome tool that might help you understand just how fluid sexuality can be and could also help you label yourself :slight_smile:

    As for not being fully aware of your sexuality earlier on, its totally normal. Completely sucks, but the good news is that its never not too late to get it right :slight_smile:

    Hoped that helped some :slight_smile:
     
  7. thedylan

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    OMG:eek::eusa_clap:dry: You do not know how much that is the best story I have ever heard I was so happy when she kissed you its not even funny. I wish I had an experience like that, :tears: geese well I am glad you had it but I am jealous lol
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. My story is not exactly the same, ive never been with a guy but I didnt realise I was gay until I was 26, and I grew up thinking I was straight and wondering when I would grow up and really be interested in guy I guess I always thought I was a late developer.

    You could be bi or gay or a mixture of both but you are definately not alone. Stick around at EC and we will help you work it out, and you will see that a lot of people have similar experiences to yours.
     
  9. Anne Nonymous

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    Thanks :slight_smile: And don't worry! If such an amazing person could find and fall in love with me, as full of denial and bitterness as I was, there's hope for everybody -- believe me :lol:
     
  10. thedylan

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    Thankyou and to stay on topic with sascha's topic I would say definitely take Anne's story and hope one day you have an experience for yourself, I was trying hard to have an experience like that and it ended up badly most of the time but as soon as I just relaxed and let days happen as they were supposed to happen things started going good for me.

    My favorite quote is the Latin words "Carpee Diem" which translates to seize the day and every morning when I wake up I make it my personal goal to carpee this Diem, its the best thing to do in my eyes and it has worked out pretty well so thats good.
     
  11. sascha

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    Thanks so much everyone!! You advice really helped.

    I guess I feel really pressured to label myself and 'come out'. I feel that I really, really want a girlfriend now I feel scared of what is going to happen when i get into another relationship and eventually have to introduce her to my family. I ask myself if I should come out long before that happens so its not so dramatic, and if so what do I come out as? Or do I wait until i have a girlfriend?

    I suppose I also have prejudices against bisexuality. Logically I tell myself it is a legitimate orientation, but I hold a lot of subconscious feelings that its not. That it is just a 'stage' that straight or gay women go through before picking one or the other. It doesn't help that I don't know of a single bisexually identified woman who ended up with a woman, and so therefore I have the idea that bisexuals are perceived as straight women who just fucked around a bit before settling down with a man. I wish we had more positive role models in this sense- where are the bi identified women who settled down in a lesbian relationship? Or do they all then identify as lesbian at that point? If so why is it that bi women in hetero marriages don't identify as straight?

    Also, I'm worried that when i start dating women, if i identify as bisexual just to be safe, they won't take me seriously or think i'm a flake or a curious straight girl. but i feel that i want to be in a committed serious relationship with a woman.

    I don't know why I feel this pressure to figure out whether I am bi or gay. I am uncomfortable with the fact that I dont know myself well enough to say who i am. I wish we all just dated who we liked without feeling the need to 'come out' about it.

    I should also mention that i told my mom about my fling with the woman when I was 18. she then assumed i was gay and i told her i thought i was maybe bisexual and she then thought i was straight again.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2011 at 06:12 AM ----------

    Also, I was just reading in another thread about being homosexual but hetero-romantic and something just clicked for me there. Maybe I've been confusing romantic attraction with sexual? Because I've always loved male attention but not really the sex and penises kind of gross me out. I'd love to hear from members who have felt this way.

    I partly realized something about romantic roles played into it- because as I find lots of women super sexy, I see myself more in a romantic relationship with certain butch woman who play the 'male' role in the relationship so to speak. i like to feel like the girl. the woman i had a fling with at 18 was very butch, she used to bind her breasts too and maybe was bordering on trans yet i didnt see her as a man.... i found her breasts and womanly curves and feminine features very sexy and beautiful. i guess partly i liked her in the bedroom as a woman yet as a man on the streets so to speak.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2011 at 06:14 AM ----------

    Also, I was just reading in another thread about being homosexual but hetero-romantic and something just clicked for me there. Maybe I've been confusing romantic attraction with sexual? Because I've always loved male attention but not really the sex and penises kind of gross me out. I'd love to hear from members who have felt this way.

    I partly realized something about romantic roles played into it- because as I find lots of women super sexy, I see myself more in a romantic relationship with certain butch woman who play the 'male' role in the relationship so to speak. i like to feel like the girl. the woman i had a fling with at 18 was very butch, she used to bind her breasts too and maybe was bordering on trans yet i didnt see her as a man.... i found her breasts and womanly curves and feminine features very sexy and beautiful. i guess partly i liked her in the bedroom as a woman yet as a man on the streets so to speak even though she didnt look like a man but like a boyish woman.
     
  12. Anne Nonymous

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    Well, that's better than really, really not wanting to be gay -- ai ya, the needless suffering I put up with ... terrible :dry:

    Depends on what'll make you feel most comfortable, I'd say. Most of my family and friends have met my girlfriend, but have no clue that our relationship is not just friendly. We are super-sneaky ninja-bunnies :lol: But the truth has to come out sooner or later. Not looking forward to it, but what is love without sacrifice? My better half is being so patient, though.

    I wouldn't worry about that. If they're going to be so judge-y, they wouldn't make a good partner anyway, right :slight_smile:

    I'm a dancer, so I naturally loathe any kind of attention :icon_wink But I think it's pretty normal for a woman to appreciate being appreciated. Being leered at, of course, is another story :bang: Hello, I'm a human being, not your next meal, dawg! What can I say? Dicks have always bothered me more than penises :badgrin:

    I'm all about grrrl-ishness. Since I don't like dressing like a man, or God forbid Justin Bieber, and aren't attracted to women who do, I guess I'm a "Lipstick Lesbian" :eusa_danc So, who wears the pants in our relationship? NO-body, baby! Although we both have some pretty stylish leggings (!)
     
  13. silverhalo

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    Hey I think it is a common problem and one I definately suffered with for quite a while, we have this almost uncontrollable desire to want to know all the answers right now and be able to fix everything and sometimes you just need to take your time.

    You want a girlfriend thats great, whether it makes you bi or lesbian who knows, its possibly too early to say, but does it really matter? You can always choose one and then change your mind. Should you tell your parents before finding a girlfriend or after, or how long after? Again I think its too early to tell and its different for everyone, some people like to tell lots of people before they are in a relationship so they are more out whilst finding a relationship and others wait until they are in a relationship before they tell their parents. I think it is whatever feels right, if you get to the point where you feel like it is right to tell your parents then do it, if you have already found a girlfriend then thats great and if not well no problem.

    I think what im really trying to say is just take it one step at a time and dont worry about what the next step might be until you have taken the one you are currently dealing with, and feel free to alter the sequence of steps at anytime. Just think to yourself what would I most like to have sorted next, a girlfriend? coming out to a friend? Coming out to a parent? Attending an LGBT group? Going to a gay bar? Once you have decided just go for it and when you feel comfortable that you hava done it choose another.