Oh, high school. The best years for some and the worst for others. It's already a confusing time. Trying to figure out this new environment, all the new people, and (well, for me anyway) new feelings about relationships in general. When the "just wanting to be friends" line begins to come in handy. Call me a late bloomer maybe, but at the end of my freshman year in high school it hit me hard. I had the biggest crush on my best friend... megan. Then throw this into the equation. A really popular girl about a year older than me came out to her friends and family around the same time. I watched her friends abandon her. I heard literally everyone talking about it in vivid derogatory terms and oh, the shame. "oh, her poor parents." The shame and fear I feel simply hearing the word lesbian or gay turns my stomach. I hate it because that's who I am and I can't change it as much as I might want to or try to like I have for so long. I have tried many other ways to find some advise and the only thing I've gotten is accept yourself. I DON'T KNOW HOW. If I did i would have done it already. I'm so tired of being miserable about something I don't know how to change. I know this may seem pathetic but i'm just so tired. I just need help and I don't where to find it.
Welcome to EC! Before I start doling out the gargoyle advice, I guess I should ask - are you actually still in high school? Because your profile lists your age as 20, and I don't want to start giving advice based on incorrect information.... Lex
change is scary, the word gay might freak you out because once you're out there is no going back. But, its a better world outside the closet, its not always sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows but it is better.
OK, just checking. Are you going to school still? In college or university? If so, there's probably a gay student group there, and that'd definitely be the best place to go to start working on self-acceptance. If not, there might be a gay volunteer group near where you live. If there ain't, there's us. Here's the deal. It's very easy to have issues with self-acceptance if the only viewpoint you're seeing about gays is via homophobic people around you. Once you start meeting others, and interacting with them, you'll get a better grasp on the whole "I'm gay - big deal" aspect of it all. And if you can start moving towards that mindset, you'll be well on your way to continuing on with your life without worrying about what small-minded folks might think. I know I heard plenty of "fag talk" when I was in high school, but I didn't have much problem leaving it behind once I realized I was gay, and nothing was gonna alter that. Lex
Yes, it does go away. Just stick around here for a while to see how us gays function. Once you realize that we're really not that different from "everyone else" it becomes a lot easier to to accept.
It's a shame what that poor girl had to go through when she came out. Something about that made me sad somewhat. Anyway, onto your issue. It is possible to come to terms with sexuality and not have it bother you. I'm still trying to come to terms with it to the point where I can admit it openly, but it does get easier as time goes on. At first, I disliked the idea of being gay, then somewhat enjoyed the possibilities to finally accepting myself and soon hopefully, coming out to the people I love most. Recognising one's sexuality is sometimes a long and difficult process, but a worthy one. Soon, the idea of being gay shouldn't be an issue for yourself and it's just another interesting character trait in the end that makes you you. That and a lot of gay people are similar to straight people and vice versa, so it's nothing really.
