Hi - I'm having some friendship problems with my best friends. Please help! I apologize for the lengthy post, but it's complicated, as they say! The cast: Myself - 55 year-old lesbian, single. (You'd think I'd be able to figure this out at this age.) Lisa - My ex and a best friend,; recovering alcoholic; Stage IV cancer survivor Tracy - Lesbian, best friend of over 30 years; heavy drinker Shannon - Tracy's wife of 9 years, moderate drinker. I am feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place these days. Here's the story. Lisa and I were together for 3.5 years (known each other much longer) and split up in July 2008. I broke off all contact with her and did not speak to her again until receiving strange e-mails and bizarre phone calls, later correctly attributed to a metastatized brain tumor. After a phone call in April 2009 informing me she was undergoing brain surgery for the tumor and Stage IV lung cancer (non-smoker), I arrived at the hospital and have not left her since. I have been her informal caretaker (we have separate houses in separate cities) for the past two years. She was originally given three months to live, but has made an incredible journey back, and is, for the moment, nearly cancer-free. We get along better as friends, and enjoy each other's company, traveling everywhere together. Prior to our break-up, Lisa, Shannon, Tracy and I were good friends, even though Lisa is a non-drinker. I used to imbibe heavily with my friends, including Tracy and Shannon, but since I was with Lisa, an AA member, I really cut back. I don't drink around her, certainly, although I could, but have no desire to do so. Tracy, on the other hand, cannot go anywhere, even breakfast, without having alcohol, and gets annoying when she drinks too much. Shannon can take it or leave it, and doesn't see a problem with Tracy's drinking. Lisa and I eventually broke up due to her control issues and my fierce need for independence. I am no angel, but felt used and verbally abused at times. She was struggling with alcohol , and had slipped a few times. She has now been sober for four+ years. My friends Tracy and Shannon supported me through the break-up and did not communicate with Lisa. Last year Tracy and Shannon invited the two of us to a cabin, along with a lot of other friends. Lisa knew there would be a lot of alcohol, but thought she would be okay with it. By the time we got there, she was having a horrible week from chemo, was feeling shaky and in a pissy mood the next day, pissing off Shannon in the process. She didn't drink; neither did I, in support. I later read in Shannon's blog that she was furious with her, although she never said a word to Lisa or me. (Shannon had started a public blog, and did not know I had read it.) Tracy also told me months later. Since then we have gotten a chilly reception from Shannon even when we took them out for Tracy's birthday dinner. I am feeling stuck between the two sides. Here is my dilemma: I do not want to abandon Lisa at this point since she clearly needs some support right now. I would, however, like to do other things and perhaps even DATE someone sometime! Her brother passed away last week, and is feeling shaky, although her health is good right now. Tracy and Shannon have invited me to a 4th of July 3-day weekend out of town, but have not invited Lisa, pointedly. I have not told Lisa she was not invited, because she would be really hurt, although she said she wouldn't care to go because of the partying. I don't want to either because of that, but thankfully have a family obligation that weekend. So I guess it's a moot point, but what should I do next time? Is it wrong for me to tell Lisa they are not inviting her? They often ask about her, say they hope she is doing well, but I wonder of they REALLY care, or are feigning it for my sake? I d not want to choose between them, but don't like being stuck in the middle. I guess I am the common denominator, though. Given a choice, I usually pick Lisa, since we don't really know how long she has. Am I wrong? I am really mucked up over this, and it's causing me stress.. Thank you for listening! Peepj
Welcome to EC! My main thought is this. My friends are not required to like my other friends. I'm friends with X who doesn't like my other friend Y (and, usually, it's vice versa). Sometimes it's a personality clash, and other times they just are so different, they simply don't have any commonalities (other than "being friends with Lex", which isn't much to go on). And this even extends to my partner. I have a couple friends that he isn't that gung-ho on. But the thing is - I don't have any issue doing things with them without him. I just say something along the lines of "X has invited me to do such-and-such. I know you don't get along well with X, so I'm probably just going to fly solo on that one." And my partner says "Yeah, good call" and that's that. I don't get the idea that Lisa is overly clingy when it comes to you, but maybe she is. Even if she is, you should be able to simply say "Tracy and Shannon have invited me to do such-and-such. I know you don't get along too well with them, so I'll probably just go solo to that one." If she gives you any grief for it - for "choosing them over me", or for "abandoning me" - you can just stick with the facts. "They've invited me along, and I do enjoy their company. You know I do spend plenty of time with you, but they're my friends as well, and I'd like to spend some time with them, too." But writing that you're pissed about somebody in a blog but not in real life is kinda immature, if you ask me. I thought it was gay men who acted like this, not gay women. Lex
I'm chuckling at your last comment - yes, we women have our issues, too! Thanks, Lex, for your comments. I think I just needed to step out of the situation and get another person's point of view. It helped me figure out the main problem: Lisa genuinely likes Tracy and Shannon. Tracy and Shannon don't like Lisa as she is perceived as a "wet blanket" because she doesn't party, but they don't have the cojones to admit it. It would be much easier if Lisa didn't like them so much! But that is their problem. My problem is trying to gently extricate myself from Lisa. While she isn't really clingy (has her other friends), I have been her main emotional support throughout her illness. She is doing well now and I need to put some distance between us so I can get on with my life. Thanks again. Lex, for your comments!
