I think I'm in the right forum! ... anyway... The name's Joe. I'm bi, 21 years old... don't really tell the whole world I'm bi, but most of my friends and my mom know. (introducing myself) So, I've been having a little confusion about something. I don't usually bother myself with these kind of things, but this time I'm kinda... well, worried? Anyway, here's the deal! n_n This is long, so I hope it doesn't bother anyone. As you may have guessed (and I've seen other people with similar problems in here, that's why I decided to join and ask) I'm a little confused about a friend of mine. I---'ll just call him John. I've known him for almost a year and a half, but since january he's become my best friend... I went through depression, and I don't have THAT many close friends, and he was one of the few people who really helped me and stood by me (even though we were friends, I didn't think he'd be there for me... Just didn't picture him that good a friend at the time, even if we hung out drinking together along with friends in common from time to time) Dude's great, he IS older than me by 5-6 years... and actually, the only reason he's my best friend is because people like him are hard to come by... I mean, I'm the kind of friend that always gives it all for others, and is strong for his friends and all that.. problem is, other people aren't like that with me and are rarely there to help me... well, he is, and he has. He knows I'm bi... I told him how important it was for me that he was there to help me, and that he's the best friend I've had in years (and he is) ... I thanked him and all, and in the middle of the conversation he asked me "Are you gay??" and I'm like "no, I'm bi... but it doesn't have anything to do with this" ... turns out he was suspecting me of being gay or bi, and he's the kind of person that just has to know. He said it didn't scare him, or surprise him, as I'm not his first gay or bi friend. No problem there. My confusion is this. He's straight (I've met one of his ex, and he's told me about other girls he's been with and all that... just like I've told him of girls I've been with and blablabla) ... buuuut these past few months have been weird, and last weekend just got me thinking. Once, a few months ago... we were at a friend's house, beers, home-made burguers, whatever... I'm talking with some friends, sitting in a bench, spot beside me empty... he comes over to join the conversation and when he sits beside me, he puts his hand/arm on my leg as he sits... he keeps it there a few seconds, removes it and pushes his leg against mine (as he was shifting to make himself comfortable) ... it wasn't a "Oh, I just noticed I've my hand on his thigh, I'll save myself from looking weird" ... it was just a "excuse me, I'm sitting here" move. I just noticed it. And, well... we were drinking, and stuff like that happens. Other time... different place, no chairs or whatever. Same thing... all the friends, drinking on the sidewalk, and a friend of mine and me laying on the hood of the car, drinking and talking... John comes over to see if we wanted another beer (he's quite the drinker) and my other friend (girl) says "no" ... he moves closer to tease her of being a lightweight and chickening out on beer... Then I notice... I'm laying close to the edge, and my legs bent (y'know, I'm flat on my back, feet on, legs bent... like ... ^^ these are my legs) ... and when he approaches, he stands a little too close (he's kinda chubby... not fat, just a bit large...) and I feel his stomach on my side, and he rests his hand on my knee... he stays there arguing with my other friend, and never removes his hand, even when he's not talking... he eventually leaves. Another time we're at a bar/club/whatever... a lot of people passing by, and he's just standing TOO close to me... I mean, literally pressing his whole body into mine... I just didn't think much of it that time, because... well.. .there were a lot of people, and there was really no space to stand. So, I just don't count that one as anything. Anyway, I had always thought of those times as the typical... well, you know... when people just don't mind being close to others, or the typical guy that even if he sometimes stands a little close, doesn't mean anything. He just doesn't notice, or it's completely normal for him. But, these past few months/weeks... specially after I've told him he's my best friend, and he knew I'm bi...... he's acted differently. Um, in facebook, when he comments on something I've posted on his wall or tagged him... most of the times when he comments, he uses my name, even if it isn't necessary. Like... He says "In the mood for some headbangin!" and I post on a comment a link to a song... and he says "Hm, no like! Joe!" ... or I tell him "I was in a party and went to say hi to you... and it turns out it wasn't you" he says "Hahahah, joe!! That only happens to you!" ... okay, that doesn't seem like much... thing is, he didn't comment like that before, and I've NEVER seen him comment or respond to anyone else where he uses their name/nickname like that... I mean... unnecessarily... Hm, actually past few weeks he's been commenting a lot in my statuses, links or whatever. And I check his profile... and you know how you can see his recent activity, when he comments on other people's statuses and stuff... well, I don't see him commenting anyone else... and if he does, it's like... one comment every few days. I try not to think much of that. Two saturdays ago, we were gonna go to a bar with two other friends... they were going on their own, and I went to pick up John... like always, he tells me to come in, we go to his room and we chat about whatever while we wait for the other two to tell us they're at the bar or at least on their way. John talking to me (I'm kinda serious, so he talks more than I do) about whatever, laughing at some stories and stuff about friends we have in common and blablabla... Well, that day I gave him a beer (a guinness, we're both fans) ... I had one at home, and I thought he might like it (i'm like that with my friends) ... he had it in the fridge, and when he takes it out, he takes a drink... and gives it to me... insisted that I took a drink, I did, gave it back, he drank it. it was... awkward... I don't know, I thought I was imagining things. All the time he seemed to be a little comfortable... and he said he was gonna take a shower (we were going out and dude wasn't even ready) ... so, he gives me his laptop so I don't get bored waiting for him... curiosity got the best of me, and I WAS in his browser... turns out he visits my facebook profile quite often (it was one of the top visited pages in his browser, along with one of his other friends facebook and random links) ... I make nothing of it... he comes back, he gets dressed (no, he didn't get dressed in front of me... he came in with shirt and boxers on, and put his pants on on the other side of the room) ... he's just there, and all of a sudden he says "oh, look! I thought I didn't have any condoms left... I have a few" ... I just say (like always) "Dude!! Too much info!! I don't wanna know about your sex life" ... he just laughs and we get ready to go... On the way he says "i gotta be home a little early, 'cause I have to drive my mom to work... but I've got some beer there, and we can come back and keep drinking in my house" ... I just say "f*ck yeah!!" 'cause I love drinking. So, night goes on... and two kind of weird moments... I buy him a pint (large one), 'cause he said he didn't have THAT much money, and he'd drink whatever he could buy... me being generous. He gave me money, and I said "no, I already paid for it" and he, standing beside me, and I'm sitting, puts and arm around me and hugs me... I just gave him a "you're ridiculous" look, and that's that. buuut, a little later... we're on a kind of bar-like table... and he had gone to the restroom... i was trying to reach for the ash-tray, and when he comes back, he goes to a chair that's on the other side, and when he goes around behind me, for some reason he puts his hand on my waist... but... a little too low. he's done that before... and I'm not even in the way, he just goes by me and when he does, he puts his hand on my waist and leaves it there a few seconds and leaves. And he stands close to me. That day I didn't go to his house to keep drinking 'cause we were in a car crash going out or the bar, so nothing happened. Last saturday, me and two friends of us went to his house to have some beers... if everything else meant nothing, and it just happened because whatever... THAT night gave me a different feel. The whole night, he was always on my side... he stood, or sat, in the spot next to me... if I moved, he would stay there a while, and after a bit, he moved again to the spot next to me... I didn't switch places all that much the whole night, but when i did, he would go next to me. And the weirdest thing... even though I wasn't the one talking (mostly one of our friends, or him) ... he would constantly look at me. Specially when he wasn't the one speaking, he would just turn around and look at me... a few times there was eye contact, but we bothed looked away (not the awkward look away... i think...) ... but he constantly put his eyes on me... I noticed it all night, but I didn't react to it in any way... I just kept listening like I didn't notice, or like it was nothing. Ah, this is long... bear with me, please!! (Hey, maybe it's interesting enough! hahah) I noticed, then, that there are weird things there... I've been at his house drinking with his friends, even though I don't know all of them... and even if they're talking about their old times, he always turns around to explain it to me. Or he's usually sitting or standing close to where I am... and when we're at a bar or whatever, sitting next to each other, there's almost always physical contact (either his leg is just in contact with mine, or his arm is brushing on mine, stuff like that) ... lately he seems to be more open with me... last friday I went drinking to a friends' house and I told him we'd be there, if he wanted to go... I posted it on his wall, and he replied in fb chat... conversation: John: "Hey, I'm gonna head over to -insert friends' name- a while... and a girl wants me to go over to her house. Looks like she wants a fight!" Me: "Uhhh... fight? :S" John: "yeah! Y'know... like wrestling ;D" Me: "aaahhh, bed wrestling" John: "Yep! But I think I'll go over with you instead" Me: "Eh? Dude, why!? You've got yourself a girl!! You should go!" John: "Nah, I don't think I will... anyway, I'll go over with my friend, and I guess I'll call you later" Blabla... aaaaand that's weird 'cause the guy just doesn't pass up an oportunity like that... he's known for it! Anyway, he couldn't go out that night, and he was pissed, and he told me about it... he almost never tells anyone why he's upset or pissed about, or angry... lately, he tells me if I ask him. I'm like "woot! He trusts me! " but nothing else. He usually tries to make me laugh, or if he knows I'm angry or sad or whatever he cheers me up with jokes or by commenting on my facebook status (he's real funny, either way) Anyway... myself... well. It's not like I don't find him attractive... I mean, if he were gay, and he weren't my best friend, I would go for it... but I know he's straight (even if he sometimes sends some weird signals), and I just don't fall for guys like that... this is not exactly a "I'm in love with my best friend, help me" ... it's more of a "I have a straight best friend that's tripping my gaydar lately, what should I do/think?" I mean... his friendship is what matters to me. I don't think he's interested in me, that way... even if some of the things I've written in here are the kind of signals someone sends out when they're interested. Maybe I don't want any of this to mean anything, 'cause I've been in a similar situation and lost a friend. Don't want a repeat... and I always think "okay, if you're not interested... then just don't do or say anything, and it'll go away" ... but maybe I'm also scared that if I read too much into this, I'll get interested? I know this is REAL long... but I felt like I had to tell everything in detail so there's no confusion. I don't want to be ambiguous with those "signals" and end up more confused. So, real question... what do you think of all this? If you don't think he's interested, I'd be happy and everything will be as always. If you think he is, even if he's not all that obvious, should I put some distance between us? it's kinda confusing, and I don't wanna make a mistake like past times and end up losing a friend :/ Thanks, in advance. And I apologize for the endless post! ^^;
A lot of us here have been in similar situations. Unfortunately the only way of knowing what's going on in his head is by him telling you. But on another note, if your friend is straight and is known for being straight, then chances are he's not into you in a sexual way. Who knows why he's being so physical. I would say that if your friends contact with you is bothering you, you should ask him about it. Note that if you do talk to him, the contact will probably stop. The safest thing to do would probably be to just reject his "advances." This way he will get the message that you don't want him to touch you, and it will avoid you having to verbally call him out on it. This way no one gets hurt, and you don't have to accuse your best friend of coming on to you.
It wouldn't be much of a surprise to find out that he's "bi-curious", or more accurately, "interested in perhaps fooling around with you to see what it's like". It isn't that uncommon to have same-sex friends want to experiment with their known gay/bi friends. The problem, as you're well aware, is what happens afterwards. But since it's not clear whether he is or isn't - and he'd probably deny it if you confronted him - the best bet is to play both sides of the street. Try to say things that don't accuse him of making a play, but at the same time, let him know that you're not interested if he is. It's a tough balancing act, but it would probably be the for the best. Your comment about not wanting to know about his sex life was ideal, but you'll probably need to make a few more. When he hugged you awkwardly after you bought him the drink, you could've said "I hope this doesn't mean we're dating now" with a smile. If you notice him staring, you could ask "What - do I have something in my teeth?" If he suggests wrestling with him, you could say "I don't think that's such a great idea - I don't know if you'd take it the right way." If you just continually deflect anything that could possibly be a move, and do it with good humor and friendliness, chances are he'll get the message. Assuming there's a message to get. Lex
I think its difficult to tell without asking him. I think it could go either way, just because he has slept with lots of girls doesnt make him straight but it also doesnt make him gay. As for whether or not to say anything depends on how awkward you are feeling and what you would rather do.
Thanks for the advice... I slept on it, after writing this... and I thought that if it doesn't get out of hand, there's not much to worry about. If it does, well, I'll cross that bridge when I get there! It doesn't really bother me, as much as making me think of past experiences where things have gone wrong when I act on that kind of signs... I did notice that he isn't that physical with other people, but it could also mean he's just that comfortable around me... he's had the same problem as me of not having THAT many close friends. So, I'll just think of it as part of the friendship, and not something else Thanks, everyone
