Lost in Oregon (The most difficult one)

The next chapter and the most difficult one: On Saturday I went for a hike in the woods with my wife and two dogs. It was a beautiful sunny day. Several times she asked me if something was wrong. I guess I was being very quiet. I said yea and said that we should talk later. We got back to the car and sat on the tailgate and opened a couple of beers…..I pretty much chugged my down. Then she asked me if I was ready to talk. I said that I will never be read for this conservation. Then she was very concerned. I took a couple to deep breaths and said that this is the very hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. A couple of more sighs and I said “I guess there is just no other way but to just say it. I am gay.” There was a long moment of silence….I’m sure disbelief or just not wanting to hear those words. I told her that I wanted her to know that I love her now and that I loved her when I married her. By now I was crying. She put her arms around me and said that she knew that and truly believed me. I didn’t know what to say as this point, even though I had rehearsed this conservation hundreds of times. After me babbling about some things and I don’t even remember most of what I said, she said that she must admit that she is not completely surprised. She said that a good friend had told her that she thought that I was gay and that there were some things over the years that made her slightly suspicious. So we talked for a long time. She had quite a few questions. I explained that I was very faithful through most of our marriage, but had been with a few men over the later years. I told her that I was not planning on going home and pack my bags to leave. She was relieved at that. She then asked what I thought our future held. I told her that I have been lying all my life to my family and friends and that I was done with that, so I couldn’t answer that question. I just don’t know where to go from here. I told her that a lot depended on how she reacted and I had not thought much beyond that. Of course she is very sad and frightened, trying to sort it all out; I hope she will talk to someone soon. I did suggest that she do that before long. She is going to see her doctor later today, who is also a family friend. I hope he can help her.
Now my wife, brother and good friend know im gay. I can’t tell you how good it feels to be able to say that after all these years. Next will be my big sister and mom and dad. I don’t know if it will get any easier. It certainly would be easier if my wife wasn’t one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met in my life or if I didn’t love my family. I know it will take time, I wish it was a year from now and then I would know how it all played out. I thought it would feel better to get this out but the pain has only gotten worse. I have hurt her so bad….it feels awful.
We have a niece that is getting married in about six weeks. My wife has asked me to wait until after the wedding to tell anyone else. There will be lots of family there so I understand how she feels, it would make it difficult. My first response was that I didn’t want to wait that long. Once I got started on this I just felt as the ball was rolling down the hill and I don’t want to stop it. On the other hand I have been with her for many many years and will it really hurt to wait another six weeks. I don’t know. I just wish it was all over.
On the good side I know that I am going/getting even closer to my brother. He has been the best little brother anyone could ever ask for. We are texting/talking frequently . Until I came out to him we were talking maybe every other month. I love him so much. He so much wants me to tell our sister. He says that he can’t wait for them to get together so they can make fun of me being gay and he absolutely means that in a very loving way. We have always joked a lot with each other. I'm not sure why but I’m looking forward to them teasing me. I guess it’s just the part of not having to hide anymore. Sorry this got so long….it just helps to talk I guess.

Any feedback on my situation I would really appreciate. And again thank you to EC for having this site…..It has helped me so much.

Jim

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It's going to be a very very long six weeks until I can talk to my sister and mom and dad. I'm going to be with them this weekend so it will be very difficult not to spill it all out....but I have to honor her request and wait.