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Work

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by starbucksshoote, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. starbucksshoote

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    Hey guys,

    I'm looking at taking a new job, which would involve me moving back across the country (in November 2008, I moved from Western Canada to Ottawa for a job, and in October 2010, I moved back to Western Canada to take another job).

    The thing is, I've noticed a bit of a pattern here.

    I left my job out west because I wasn't finding it fulfilling anymore, was becoming depressed, and as a result I was drinking a lot.

    I moved to Ottawa, started a new job, and while it was fine for a while, I stopped finding it fulfilling, became depressed, and started drinking a lot.

    Then I moved back out west to take a new job, which I really loved at first (you're going to guess this next part), but then it stopped being fulfilling, I became depressed, and started drinking a lot.

    The first time or so, I believed it really was the job which was the problem, so I packed up and moved thousands of miles. However, after trying three separate jobs, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just expecting too much out of work. I'm a bit of a workaholic - I tend to work long hours (70 hours or more a week), and do work during the evenings and weekends. I also like to go out and have fun with friends - usually they are work friends.

    The second issue is the drinking. I haven't (and don't) consider myself an alcoholic - there are periods of time when I don't drink - but when I do go drink, I drink a lot. While my work quality is always high, and my employers have never had performance issues with me, I have had one employer express a concern about the level of alcohol I consume. I also sometimes have a big mouth, especially when drinking, and the same employer expressed concern about my discretion when drinking. I think these are fair points, and I've been more careful (and more sober) for the past several months.

    I think I might be looking for something more in my life which work can't provide - for years I was in denial about being gay, and used work as my outlet (working a ton, leaving no time for a personal life other than hanging with work friends and drinking). I see other people who have jobs which cannot be that enthralling, and yet they seem happy.

    So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to go ahead with the move - I have more friends in Ottawa, find the city more open and tolerant (I'm pretty closeted at my current employer), and think the work will, in fact, be better, but I'm curious to know if other people found this as either part of their coming out/growth as a gay person, or if I need to be taking some of these things (drinking and depression) more seriously.

    Sorry for the long post - thank you for reading.
     
  2. Revan

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    Hmmm...I do have a few things that I will say in regards to your posting.

    1. The work problem. I have a similar problem in that at first I enjoy work but eventually get sick of it to the point I'm calling in sick, getting others to work it for me, and eventually quitting without having a backup job. Though my case is from my disability, in your case it might just very well be the hours your working. Most people in part or even full time jobs generally work only 40-50 hours, you however are pushing the boundary quite substantially and it's no wonder you start having difficulty with the job. Working 70 hours a week at a job is the equivalent of working 3 straight days (well 2 days and 22 hours), you're pretty much working 10 hours per day in a week. No one wants to work that many hours, because unless you're in a job that is your actual passion, you're going to start despising it because it's just a job for money. Besides the other bad part is it keeps you from your friends. Working more = less time for friends, and if you do have time it'll probably either be in the night after a day shift which results you probably staying well into the night leaving you exhausted for the next day of work. Or if it's a night shift, and you want to hang with your friends during the day, you're going to be pretty tired because it's a lot harder for your body to function working through the night when one should be asleep and then staying up even longer during the day (unless you slept like throughout the day all the way up to your next shift). So yeah your reasoning as to why you're not having fun at your job anymore and not finding it fulfilling? That's a pretty good reason why. That or it is as you said, you used work as your outlet and as such you didn't really have much of a teenage life or young adult life.

    2. The drinking...that's hard for me to really say stuff without coming off judgmental because I myself have never drank so I don't know really what it's like. I mean if it's not totally effecting your life you may not be an alcoholic, but I can't help feeling like you may just be. If your employer while not having issues with your performance, is having issues with your drinking and your mouth? I would say that still is a case that your drinking is effecting your life and you may very well be an alcoholic...

    and 3. As for the depression part, I would say perhaps see if you can maybe see a counselor if possible? If it's out of the question financially, that's okay, but if you can, it wouldn't hurt to talk to someone about this who has knowledge in this area. Perhaps see if there's any relatively inexpensive substance abuse or depression-type counselors.

    Good luck
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Do I think there might be a problem here? Yes - there might be a problem here.

    Is there a chance that counselling would help? Yes. I don't see how it could hurt.

    You've touched on something that is a theme in addiction recovery - having a void in your life that you try to fill with something else - work, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, sex, etc. Quite often it isn't just one thing, it can be a couple of things that you turn to - work and alcohol. (For me it is sex and food.)

    You're obviously unsettled too - if you are moving back and forth across the country. So there's likely something there worth looking at.

    What you'll find is that work isn't the problem. Alcohol isn't the problem. Moving around isn't the problem. There's something underlying all of those things that is the problem, and these things are your means of coping.

    Of course I don't know the details. If you're a young lawyer or equity trader, 70 hour weeks isn't actually unusual for those careers. But if you're working in a more typical kind of job that is normally done in 40 hours a week but you're spending 70 hours to do it, there's probably something wrong. At the same time, if someone else is mentioning your drinking, and you yourself are wondering about your drinking, you might want to consider doing something about your drinking.

    Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.