I'm tired and I feel sick. I haven't eaten all day, I lay in bed for hours at night trying to force myself to sleep but sleep won't come. My dad is seeing another woman, I've confirmed that she is a crack-cocaine addict. My dad told me he was done with drugs, it's only been about a year that he's been "clean" but I've had my suspicions the entire time. My sister is only fifteen and she's the mother of a two month old child. I hurt myself just to pass the time, I've almost entirely given up on the idea of employment or furthering my education, I don't feel like anything is worth the struggle. I've been doing this for too long, it still hasn't gotten any fucking better. Everyone has been telling me since I was thirteen that things would get better. When the fuck do things get better? Will I wait until I'm sixty or seventy years old and finally experience some happiness once again? I'm almost twenty years old and people still keep telling me to fucking "stick in there" and that things will improve. They never fucking improved despite my hardest efforts. I've done everything in my fucking power to try to improve my life and the lives of my family members and I see no fucking results. Everything is shit and I don't know what the fuck to do, I want to hurt someone, I want to break something, I want to break myself. What do I do now? Where do I go? Where do I seek hope? What now, now that I've given my all and waited patiently all these years? What the fuck now.
You're suffering from depression. It's mostly situational, but since it's been going on for so long, there's probably a clinical element too. So, for that part of your problem, the usual diet of therapy and crisis lines is the best option. As to your living situation, it sounds extremely toxic and one you should be looking to escape. I would check with your local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) chapter. They will be able to help you find affordable mental health resources and will also know what resources are available to young people like you who are in toxic situations. Above all, do not kill or hurt yourself. That your problems seem unsolvable is more a symptom of your depression than a realistic analysis of your situation. If you can't control the urge, go to the hospital. They can hold you and counsel you until the urge gets less strong, or send you to a psych ward if they can't talk you down. Contrary to popular belief, most modern psych wards (especially voluntary ones) are not grim places, but actually very nurturing environments. If going to the hospital seems like the safest option right now, I'm happy to talk about what's happened to me the various times I've checked in either to spend a night in the ER or to go into a ward.
Hi there! (*hug*) As bleak as the situation, in which you are finding yourself, looks at the moment, don't give up. From what you have written, it is clear that you are a very strong person. When we go through all of the things that life throws towards us and we keep fighting back, and wonder what it all means, we actually become stronger because we built the strength within us to face whatever comes towards us. Often times, it is not pretty and we wonder why do we go through all of the things we are experiencing and wonder when will it all come to an end. Sometimes, we have to come so close to the breaking point, when we actually do start telling ourselves, enough is enough. I need to do something for my life. I want my life to be better than what I am experiencing at the moment. You can change things and you can start building your life. The life that you deserve. From what you have said, you have tried to "improve...the lives of [your] family members and [you] see no fucking results," it is clear that you have tried and have given it your all. That in itself speaks to your willingness and commitment to change and make things better. You have tried. Don't discount that. Maybe the time has come for you to say "I have tried my best, but now it is time that I put my energies towards me and try to make my life better." And you know what? You can do it. Maybe it would be a good idea (and perhaps as hard as it will be) for you to leave the environment in which you are finding yourself. You are 19 years of age, which allows you to have your independent live. Start working on your independent life, a life that you build for yourself, a life that you can be proud of and a life where you can accomplish things. You don't have to go through all of it alone. Don't give up on the things you believe in or want to accomplish for yourself, whether it be finding employment or get further education. Keep believing in the things and want to accomplish. Ask for help. Seek help from people you know you can trust. It doesn't matter who they are, whether they be your friends, teachers, a counselor or a doctor. It does not matter. If you are not or haven't seen a counselor yet (at your school for example), please try seeing one and talk about what is going on in your life, and let that counselor help you in moving forward. In starting to turn things around for yourself, maybe try some finding employment. In finding employment, you don't have to do it on your own either. As you may know, there are employment help centres that can help you with writing your resume, preparing you for what you can expect on different kinds of jobs, and perhaps even forward your resume to potential employers. Maybe try finding an employment help centre near you. Sometimes, doing something that provides with a sense of purpose and allows us to start seeing that we are moving forward. Even if they are just small steps, they can make a difference. Remember that you do this for you, and only for you. No one else. Please don't hurt yourself. Don't break yourself. You have come already this far and from the sounds of it, there is a part of you that wants to move on from all of the things you have faced thus far. If you feel you need to talk to someone, during any given time of the day, and you don't have someone to turn to, log on EC or call a crisis/support line and talk about your thoughts at that moment. (*hug*)
I know how you feel.was there a few yrs ago and never found the answers,until it changed around me yrs later......,...You want to talk,throw me a pm.
(*hug*)Im sorry to hear about your situation. It must be so hard to go through such hardship. I couldn't fathom the feeling. first off, do not give up school or employment. If you truly want to separate yourself from the situation at your house, you may want to seek employment or school or both. If you become parttime employed, while taking a couple classes at the community college. This option may help you keep your mind off of your current situation. I have never had to deal with something of the magnitude that you are going through, but I know when my homelife gets the best of me, I actually enjoy going to work or studying. You should not blame yourself for what you are going through. Neither should you blame your family members. Life is difficult, and full of temptation. The most that you can do for them right now is tell them how much you deeply love them. Even though they may have made some indecent mistakes, you should look past that and see them as the people that you love. Make sure, no matter how angry or frustrated you are with them, always tell them that you love them. I hope that your situation gets better. If you are tired of waiting for the happiness that you so desire, then you should make that happiness for yourself. Just, whatever you do, do not hurt yourself. Focus on making yourself the best you that you can be. In this time in your life, you probably have only two options to take hope in: God and/or yourself; whichever works best for you. We here at EC are behind you too if you need moral support or inspiration. You are more than welcome to talk to me about this via private message if you ever need moral support. Good luck kiddo.I hope that everything gets better. If it helps, you may take enjoyment in watching these banana guys dance!!! (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!) If that did not cheer you up a little bit...sorry...just trying to help
I woke up this morning to find out my mom is now in the mental ward because she was hurting herself. If this isn't further proof that everything is falling apart I don't know what is. I really do not know what the fuck to do right now, this couldn't have been worse timing, it's almost fucking funny! It's like my life is some kind of dark sitcom. In all seriousness I can't stop crying and I don't know what I'm going to do. I used to see a therapist but she's currently in prison, kind of left a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to professional help. I've been to the hospital myself, I was in for trying to kill myself, it's a depressing and awful environment. How do I continue to cope with this shit? I feel like I'm fucking losing it, this is seriously unreal. Nobody should have to put up with all of this, nobody.
Hey sweetie (*hug*), you're right, nobody should have to go through all the stuff you are living and had been living for the past years. And I am even more sorry that your experiences with therapist and hospital haven't been helpful and positive either. Though that doesn't mean you shoudln't be trying this once again. Things goes for therapist as for every professions, there are good ones and the others. You had a bad experience with your therapist next time but that doesn't mean that it will be the same if you seek for another one. Given your situation, it is certain that you could use some help. Have you tried to find if there is Al-anon, or other kind of support group for the family members of alcoholics and drug users ? Maybe that could be a first step to get some support and to be able to talk about your family issues. Now, I know it's hard to think things will get better in your situation and I understand words may seem empty because you've been dealing with a lot of troubles and for a long time, but you're not even 20 yet. Even if the path is long and hard (and I have no doubt it is very very hard and that you're dealing with a lot of pain) you'll get there. Surely not tomorrow or even in a few weeks, but even if it still takes months to get there, you still have many many years ahead to look forward. So please, don't give up. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) Cécile
you're in a toxic enviornment, you need to get away from it. some of the other have suggested places you can go to get help. Staying in a bad situation isn't going to make things better.
A lot of you keep saying I'm in a toxic environment so let me elaborate a bit to clear things up. I live with my mom and stepdad and my four younger siblings. My mom struggles with several mental disorders and I do not blame her for being the way she is, she has a job and she tries her hardest to be there for us. The only toxic thing here is my situation, my life. I can't run away from that.
Your life isn't toxic. You're in a bad situation, but none of it is any reflection of who you are as a person or who you can be. I know it's awful, and I am so, so deeply sorry about that. But, but, BUT! You do have options! Finding help is not the same as running away from your problems. You cannot let anything in your life prevent you from finding sanity and safety. Praying for you.
Hi there! I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I can only imagine how hard things must be on her and on you. (*hug*) Your situation and your life aren't the toxic things. (*hug*) I think what is meant with the 'toxic environment' is that the situation you are finding yourself in at home, isn't helping you to find your own foothold in your life, and see a way forward. The things that happen in your home, such as your dad seeing another women, your dad's past addictions with drugs, your mom's situation and the things she is trying to deal with, etc.... all of that adds to your own stresses and perhaps also leaves you with a feeling "there is no time for myself where I can deal with the things I need to deal with." You have mentioned above that you have tried to be there for your family. You have given it your 110%, and most likely even more. It is absolutely fantastic that you have tried to help and that you continue to be there for your family. But there comes a point where you need to think about yourself too. From some of the things you have mentioned, it is clear that a part of you cries for help and wants that help. You shouldn't be running away from your life or your situation. And if you look closely you will realize that you are not running away and that you are actually facing it and are starting to deal with it, or at least are trying. And that is already an accomplishment all in itself. Please try to see another counselor. Give another counselor or a therapist a chance. Maybe speak to your doctor and ask for a referral. Don't give up on seeking the help that you deserve and could benefit from. You have already done the hard part. You have started to talk about your situation and things you are facing. You are an incredibly strong person. I know you can ask for help once more. (*hug*)
