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Confused and Ashamed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ilovedogs9, Jun 16, 2011.

  1. ilovedogs9

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    I guess the easiest way to start is to just say it... I know I like girls, and I have a girlfriend. I have wanted to do things with her, like kissing and cuddling and whatever (not anything sexual)... But whenever we do, I usually get tense and I feel awkward. I don't know why this is, and it really confuses me. I have an idea that it may be caused by a bad sexual experience I had when I was younger, and it still bothers me to this day, which would make sense as I don't really want to be touched most of the time. This is, of course, unless I am in the mood to cuddle or something, but then I don't understand why I get so tense. I want to do it, but at the same time my body is like, rejecting it or something. I was working on getting over it and getting used to being close in that way to someone, but then something happened.

    My girlfriend and I had come home to my house after a very tiring day of exams at school, and we were just cuddling when we ended up falling asleep. Well, we were woken up a bit later when it was time for her to go home, and I could tell there was definitely going to be a talk. I live with my grandparents, and my grandma doesn't really approve of my being gay. So without thinking, I immediately denied that my girlfriend and I were dating, and she then went on about how she didn't want me to give in to peer pressure and not to let people take advantage of me, and so on.

    When I told her it was nothing like that, she then lectured me even more about how I 'need to know myself' before doing anything with anyone, and that 'things can change, it's not exactly natural to be "that way" anyway'. Somewhere along the way she had mentioned something that implied that maybe I didn't know what to do with myself because of this previously mentioned event from my past. After this happened, it left me feeling ashamed at being caught, and being gay, even though I had already gotten over feeling that way about myself. But on top of that, what really surprised me, I felt really disgusted with myself. Sure, I had felt ashamed before about being gay, but never disgusted. Now when I see my girlfriend, I don't want to do anything with her, and I think it may be causing a bit of tension between us, or a strain or something. I mean, it's not obvious and it may just be felt on my part, so it's not exactly something I can talk with her about. She doesn't know about any of this stuff anyway (my grandparents, my past, my internal conflict).

    My mind has pretty much been spinning, and now I've even started thinking about things that don't make a lot of sense to me. I've been thinking, 'maybe I should just break up with her and go back to having boyfriends'. The logic behind this, I believe, is that boyfriends are "safe" in two ways: 1, society is okay with this. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but it's easier, I guess, especially when I'm living with people who would prefer I date boys. I feel horrible that I would think this, but I don't know what to do right now. 2, I don't do anything with boys. I'm not attracted to them, or at least I'm pretty sure I'm not, so there's no worries about doing anything with them as I can (and have been) use the excuse that 'I'm not ready'.

    But thinking that I would rather have a boyfriend and that I no longer want to do things with my girlfriend makes me wonder if I am bisexual, which isn't that shocking since I have actually been wondering this for quite some time before I recently concluded that I might just be a lesbian. In other words, I think I'm still actually questioning aside from this anyway, but this really makes me wonder. I mean, I've had crushes on boys when I was younger, but then this previously mentioned event happened, and since then I have wanted nothing to do with boys (this event happened with a trusted male). I just don't know what to think anymore, let alone what to do. Does anyone have advice? It would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. malachite

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    This whole having a girl friend thing is new to you, so its natural to be nervious or just not sure about what you should do.

    If you're doing something you WANT to do then you're not being peer pressured, old people tend not to be as accepting of us gays as the younger folk, you shouldn't look at is personal, rather culteral. 50 years ago being gay was look very much more down upon then it is today (yes, things HAVE gotten better)

    Sometimes people think they can scare (or pressure) you straight, its grasping at straws, we know, but they don't see it like that.

    Gay or Bi its something YOU need to discover and explore and people's opinions can't sway you, and by can't I mean you shouldn't let them.

    NEVER FEEL SHAME FOR BEING GAY
     
  3. AtmaWeapon

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    It's natural if you are gay.

    Hey, I had male crushes in my past and never really felt an emotional connection or real physical desire, myself. Now when it comes to girls I like, well, totally different. Can't really compare the two.

    You don't need them to tell you how to live your life. They are obviously not experts. Even if they were, who is anyone there to tell you that boys are better because you're a girl? Yeah, you might date boys, but what happens when it comes to sex? Maybe you wouldn't mind it but maybe it would freak you out.

    The point is, if you're going to be with someone, to parrot my mother, it should be someone you are in love with. If you don't fall in love with boys and you date a boy, what's the point? I tried that once with a sex addict and it didn't last more than one date because the whole time my mind was screaming at myself that I was gay while inquiring what I was even thinking dating a guy (I was not sure if I was really a lesbian and maybe bi).

    I'd think about this and then try to spend some time, if at all possible, pushing it from your mind and relax without obsessing over it and without breaking up with your girlfriend. Think of the guy of your dreams and compare him to the girl of your dreams. I don't know, listen to some Tegan and Sara (I even just like watching interviews with them and band banter because they are so comfortable with themselves), watch some lesbian drama, or watch a nice lesbian-themed comedy show like This Just Out if it will help you to figure yourself out (while mixing it up, of course) and to feel some pride.

    Just my advice but I would tread carefully before making a decision to break it off.

    Being gay is easy for no one, not even for me (and I have it easy with a family and with friends who are fine with it). Opposition will be there for all of us and so we have to withstand it if we want to find ourselves, claim our right to happiness, make the world a better place by being honest with ourselves and others, and make things change for the better for future generations.