My story is probably a bit more unusual than others. I'm almost 30 years old and I'm not out to anyone at all. I've been knowing that men arouse me since I was at least 13/14 years old, but my family is very conservative and bigoted towards gay people, so I knew that coming out as a teenager would not have been a good idea. Over the years, I've tried to oppress my desires and attraction to men, but that obviously does not work. I can admire the beauty of a woman, but I feel so weird because I don't feel sexually attracted by them. I had a few girlfriends in college, but it was never anything serious and I was having to constantly deal with the questions from my family because I never really bought many girls home. My dad found some gay pornography in my room when I was younger and I was grilled and he found some woman to try and "cure" me, but it's quite obvious that doesn't work. I had the excuse of obesity and being unemployed for a few years, so that was my crutch and answer to people who asked me why I didn't have a woman. Now, I have a relatively good job and I've lost a lot of weight over the past few years, so the questioning is getting more intense. I didn't really start having sexual encounters with men until last year as my weight has gone down and my confidence increased. So I can no longer repress myself like I used to and I've been learning to accept the fact that I am gay. However, I don't feel brave enough quite yet to come out to anyone and it's really eating away at me. I've been isolating myself and keeping my distance from people over the last year and feeling generally numb and depressed. I can't keep going on like this and I don't know what to do. When you come from a religious family and having to listen to people constantly harp on gay people and talk about how "they're going to burn in hell," it can really damage a fragile psyche. I'm black, and homophobia and religious paranoia are pretty strong with a lot of black people down here in the South. I've been finding myself being generally irritable and angry and lashing out at people lately. I went home a few weeks ago for Memorial Day and almost came out to my mom after I had a crying fit over something minor. It's getting to be too much and I know that I'm going to have to be honest with other people. I have a family reunion in my city in a few months and I'm really dreading having to deal with being around them. My dad will be coming and he'll be wanting to go to a strip club for some contrived father-son bonding and I really don't want to be bothered. I'm thinking of leaving town for a few days. I'm trying to figure out how to gradually come out in the next few years and I know it's not going to be easy. I'm thinking of coming out to a few co-workers first and then figure out the rest from there. I have a few male friends and I have a feeling we really won't be friends after I do come out. I'm also thinking of finding a GLBT support group or center where I can talk with other people and volunteer to make use of my time. I live in the Atlanta area and there is a large GLBT population here, so I'm going to do some research on what I need to do and how I go about doing it. If any of you have any advice, please let me know. I've been really down in the dumps lately about this. Thanks in advance
First off, welcome to EC! I'll just hit points as I run into them. >>>I can admire the beauty of a woman, but I feel so weird because I don't feel sexually attracted by them. Oh, definitely. My partner and I love going to the local burlesque shows, which are mainly attractive women taking their clothes off. We both find the women attractive, and at times stunning...but the same way we might find a painting stunning. In regards to coming out to your family, three things of note: * Your father found gay pornography in your room. * You have very little "dating" history. * This despite having your father hook you up with a girl to "cure" you. In short, you coming out isn't going to be that much of a shock. At least not to your father. That doesn't necessarily mean he'll take it well, but it certainly can't be a huge surprise given the three facts above. And know that many homophobes find such a stance easy...because they never have to confront it. To most homophobes, gays are "them". Some nebulous group of other people they feel they don't ever come in contact with, so they don't have much problem considering "them" wrong, evil, perverted, or whatever else. But a lot of the time, that changes when they find out one of "them" is actually nearby, or a member of the family. It forces them to confront their beliefs, and not uncommonly they start coming around. This doesn't mean your family will suddenly be your biggest ally if you come out to them, but do know that simply because they've been homophobic in the past doesn't mean they'll be so in the future. My father is Catholic, and my mother is Episcopalian (Catholic Lite - a third less guilt), but they've both been great. As far as coming out "slow" - that's tough, for two reasons. First off, it involves people keeping their mouths shut, and in this day of Facebook and Twitter, that's often a tall order. And secondly, it can be like pulling a Band-Aid or a scab off. You might try to start off slow, but feeling the sharp pain may make you want to go "Oh, fuck it" and just rip the damn thing off already. So feel free to plan, but do so in pencil. Be adaptable. >>>I have a few male friends and I have a feeling we really won't be friends after I do come out. Something I say from time to time. Friendship can handle something as simple as sexuality. Seriously. If I were to ask your friends "So why do you like noel?", I might get a variety of answers. "He's fun to be around." "He makes me laugh." "We can talk about anything." "It's fun to talk sports with him." "We always have a good time together." I doubt a single one will say "Because he's straight." And you're going to be the same person post-coming out as you were pre-. If anybody wants to not hang out with you anymore because he found out you're gay, he may be a guy you hung out with, but he sure as hell ain't your friend. And something to ponder. It seems other people take a cue from us when we come out. If we come out hesitantly, quietly, taking hours to say it, punctuated by "I can't" and "You have to SWEAR not to tell anybody"...well, they tend to take it the same way. Like it's a horrible secret. You "admit" to crimes and failings, but being gay is neither a crime nor a failing. It's just how you are. (Some of us have gotten to the point where we view it as a gift.) If you approach it that way - "I felt it's time I told you I'm gay. I'm still working on telling everybody, and I'd prefer to tell them myself, so I'd rather you not spread this around until I get the chance" - then people are more prone to treat it as not-that-big-a-deal. Do look into an LGBTQ center nearby. I actually know another gay black guy in Atlanta if you'd like me to introduce you. (He IS a metal head, but he's got a great head underneath his mohawk. ) And definitely let us know if we can be of any more help to you. Lex
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place! EC certainly helped me come to terms with my orientation and I'm sure it can help you too. Lex has covered off much of what I would have said. However, in my case I did come out over a fairly long time. My situation was that I was married with a couple of kids when I concluded I was gay. So I came out to my wife and doctor and therapist first. I didn't come out to to my 2 best friends until 7 months later, and my parents 4 months after that, my sister a month after that, and my kids another 6 months after that. When I had finally come out to my kids, I then came out to my extended family and a couple of months later to some people at work. It wasn't a 'big bang' - because the thought of a 'big bang' was really scary. Because, like you, I wasn't sure how people would react. In hindsight, I didn't have anything to worry about. But I don't regret doing it the way I did it. Ensuring my kids heard from me, and heard at a point in time that was appropriate for them was very important to me. While I was 'in the middle' though, I did feel uncomfortable. The 'out' me was feeling really good and comfortable around people - for the first time in my life. The 'closeted' me felt more and more uncomfortable in contrast. It was a real relief when I had finally told my kids and was then free to be out to everyone. Hanging out here would be good. Finding a local support group would also be great. Making gay friends would be helpful - it was for me. And one of them turned out to be my fiance - we're getting married this summer. So good luck!
Your story isn't too unusual to me cause your story is essentially my story... from being black, Southern family, questioning relatives, recent weight loss.... I can relate to all of this. I guess the only difference is that I came out to two male friends, and sadly, only one of those friends stuck around. I'm still struggling a lot with everything, but it really helps to tell at least one trustworthy friend. That's my suggestion to you, dude.
Thank you all for your input. I'm still trying to figure this all out. I have one of those families where being a "real man" means all the world to them and they have these really old-fashioned ideas about everything. The older I have got, the more I realize I really don't like much of my extended family (except a few of my cousins), so I figure to hell with what they think, but it's my immediate family I'll have to deal with in the meantime. I am thinking about coming out to my brother first, he's younger and he seems to be a bit more open minded, but he has a big mouth and knows how to blurt out things at the most inappropriate of times. I think they might know already, because I am always getting asked about when I'm going to find a woman or when will I bring them a grandchild. Like I said, I'm glad I live hundreds of miles away from them, because living in the same city with my parents would aggravate me to the point of distraction. Regarding my story earlier about my dad finding a woman for me, I'll have to clarify what I meant. To make a long story short, he hired a stripper to "make a man" out of me. That was my first time doing anything sexually with anyone and it was very awkward, as you can imagine. I am going to go to a GLBT center here in the city to meet other people and possibly look into volunteering as well. Since I am turning 30 this year, I have been doing a lot of self-analyzing and trying to figure out "who" I am, and I'm having to accept the fact that my sexuality is a part of that. I am also going to seek some licensed, professional help. I've been having some really bad thoughts lately, and I know I need someone to help me sort all this out. Again, thank you all for your advice.
Hey, as someone else who is also confused and 27, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. This kind of thing can be terribly difficult to come to terms with emotionally. Good luck in everything you do.
Slight update folks. I did join a coming-out group in the city I live in to try and figure this process out. The lady who runs it is a licensed psychologist and I am in the process of finding a therapist to fit my needs (and is covered by my insurance) to sort all this out. I did almost come out to my brother over the phone about a month ago but I chickened out and started getting all vague and beating the bush and said something about "I'd rather do this in person," which would probably be better. I'm supposed to be seeing him for Thanksgiving, so I'll try to do this in private with him. He seems like one of those folks who doesn't care about other people's sexuality, so he'd be easy to talk to. On the other hand, I have my meddling ass parents, my father in particular to deal with - the other night as I was getting ready to go out for Gay pride, he me and tells me that he just happened to find the 'perfect woman' for me and how I should take her number. Evidently, this woman came down to our hometown for a game but lives in the same city as I do. I politely took the number and I might hang out with her (nothing wrong with making new friends, right?) but I'm certainly not about to make a big to-do about this and rope some unwitting woman into my shitty life for the sake of others. He's already texted me this morning to see if I've spoken with her yet (and he's the type to pester me about this stuff). It's been a couple of days, and I might call to be polite, but I just want him to fuck off and mind his business. I'm not really looking forward to the holidays either. I'm about at my wits end. I'm making plans on coming out to my parents sometime next year - more than likely by letter. I just turned 30 and this is taking too much of an emotional toll on me. I'm trying to figure out how to make more gay male friends as well. I know I'll have to go hanging out in bars or find some sort of meetup groups. Rebuilding my social life is going to be so time-consuming, but I know it's something I'll have to do. I did find out that a mutual friend of mine is gay, but I didn't find this out directly through him. I want to reach out to him for advice, but I'm not too sure the proper way of going about it because he'll want to know how I found out, but the other side of me wants to throw caution to the wind.
