So I've talked on this forum about my mother before and her ignorance on the subject of bisexuality/homosexuality. Today I became increasingly more aware of this.... We were watching some tv and then randomly she brought up the lesbian couple in our church. Apparently one of the women is having a mastectomy and a hysterectomy due to her not feeling comfortable with her feminine body. I noted that I was happy for her, for she was doing what she felt was needed. My mom appeared to agree, but seemed very confused with the whole thing. The conversation then moved onto other homosexual/lesbian couples in the church, and then broadened. I was actually really happy to have this conversation because since I came out to her in February, we have never talked about it again. I was going to bring up the topic of me, when she returned back the woman that we had originally discussed. My mom said that she thought it was interesting that she was a lesbian and she had a gay brother. Now what she said next sent me into complete shock. She said, "I would feel like such a failure as a mother if I had two children and they both turned out to be gay. I would feel as if I failed them genetically". I was about to retort back aggressively, but I just couldn't find any words to say. I was completely taken aback. My mom has said some pretty "off" things about the gay community, but nothing this bad before. She then moved the conversation back to a more open one and I managed to slip in a reminder that I am bisexual, but I'm not sure if she even noticed. I left the house to go to neighbors, who I am dog sitting for and took the dogs for a walk. I needed time to think things over and go over what I had heard again. So what should I do? I'm thinking about maybe making a packet of information that I could maybe just leave in her room for her to read through, so that she can actually learn something. What do you guys think?
First of all, (*hug*), sorry that she said that to you :/. She definitely should have watched what she said a little closer at the very least. I see a slight silver-lining in this situation. She showed that she was accepting of you and other non-straights. She said that she would have blamed herself if she had two kids that weren't straight. At the very least, she isn't blaming you. To me, this shows that she isn't necessarily denying the fact that you are bi, nor does it show that she is mad at you for any reason. If she would be upset in herself for having two gay kids, she probably is "mad at herself" for having one at all at least a little bit. This shows that she isn't necessarily homophobic, but it shows more that she doesn't understand it very well at all. If she understood it, she wouldn't blame herself because sexual orientation is nobody's fault, nor is it anybody's choice. And as far as why she would feel like a failiure: Many parents feel bad for their child when they come out because they know that their lives are going to be more difficult because of general stereotypes and bullying and prejudice. She shouldn't blame herself, but the fact that she wouldn't be happy about it is because she probably would just feel really sorry for her children. I would recommend trying to tell her that sexual orientation is nobody's fault nor is it a choice. Help her realize that nothing she did could have changed that. If that doesn't work, perhaps offering her more information could help. PFLAG might help as well, I don't know too much about PFLAG, but you could look into it; I have heard good things about it.
What does this even mean? Am I the only person who doesnt know what this means? Maybe you should ask her what this means?
I think what it means is your mom knows that people are born this way. It's not genetic though because scientists have never found the "gay gene". It's more hormonal/neurogical (sp?) I think your mom could really use some PFLAG information AND encourage her to go to a meeting. She could even request a meeting with another parent if she's not comfortable with going to the meeting. I meet with other parents one-on-one all the time. By the way, I am the President of my PFLAG chapter. Here is the link for PFLAG information: PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays She can go to PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays to find a chapter near you. A little interesting tidbit. The Executive Director of PFLAG is one of four gay brothers in his family.
Much (*hug*)(*hug*) It's always tough when parents prove less accepting than we want them to be. I'm still kind of dejected when my mom blatantly refuses to address the subject when it comes up. But it's not all that bad, I'd say. She seems to be supportive of GLBT issues in general, even if she still has a lot of misconceptions. But misconceptions can be remedied with some efforts at explanation and education. Becky's links above are pretty helpful for that. There's tons of pamphlets you could leave. And I do think you might just want to sit her down and talk about how what she said affected you. No need being angry, though (though anger is a normal reaction at not feeling accepted, it doesn't help in having a calm discussion). Maybe you could just start with saying that you'd hate the idea that she thinks that you feel bad for being gay, and that you don't like the idea of her thinking in any way that she failed as a mother. And that what she said back then actually did make you feel bad for a bit. Probably not the easiest discussion you'll ever have, but honest feedback usually works pretty well (definitely better than anger). I do think your resolution to educate her is the right one in any case, so best of luck however you approach it!
