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Fail.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jacobjake23, Jun 19, 2011.

  1. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    so i haven't posted on here in a while and it looks like ill be here for regularly from now on.

    there were a couple people i talked to about me 'figuring' out myself. 2 were guys i knew from high school that later came out. well after telling the first one, we talked for a while just on the phone and text about stuff and then he just stopped responding. fine. the next guy i went on a wimp that he was gay on facebookchat and he was, we talked for about 4 hours or so during the week, and he was all eager like 'text me whenever! i'm usually on here too" he never did any of that. and when id try to get ahold of him, hed be 'busy' or 'ill call you later' this went on for a while, and then stopped. fine.

    so then there was a bartender that wasnt out but it was like one of those, you kept making eye contact with eachother thing? so we knew eachother had something going on, ending up exchanging numbers, met up for lunch one day, talked online everyday for like 3 weeks, and then he started fading away, and then that eventually stopped. fine.

    so out of my drunkingly bored curiosity, i downloaded ######. thought, maybe i could find someone, talk to them a while online, then see if i want to meet? well, did just that. talked to a guy for hourssss seemed real cool. so i said why the hell not, lets meet up, and we did, we talked more, and it was cool. the guy was real masculine, no fem tendencies or high pitched voice, typical guy and i liked it. we ended up hanging out for the past 2 months, literally talking like every day. then we took a short drive to where he used to live and hung out. well the entire time i was there i didn't feel like i really was there, like i was just this person. i also felt real vulnerable, since im not out nor do what i am, and i feel like all these people i was meeting were making all these assumptions of me. i told him about it and he seemed to blow it off saying im over thinking it. then after a dinner with his friend we went back to where we were staying and i wanted some us time and he just wanted to sleep, and i got a little annoyed and rolled over. the drive home was quiet and he was very distant. and hes like he can get emotionally invested if i'm not 100% sure of what i am/what i want. i know what i want. him. that should be enough? but then he doesn't want to be in a relationship. either do i. but i feel like he saw it leaning towards a relationship, which it honestly felt like, and he took a couple steps back. so i called him out on it and said well maybe i need to take some steps back, and we haven't really talked since.

    maybe its just cause i had something consistent in my life that i just wanted to grab hold of it. ive been bummed and i dont know why. i have an awesome car thats paid off, a great paying job with job security, i have a house in an awesome location, and i have a great family (thats ive been blowing off for some reason...)..mainly i'm saying im very fortunate and i still feel bummed. so he came along and was all awesome and knows a lot about me then it ended. it hurts so much but i feel like i was the eager one in the 'relationship.' like id usually call, id drive to his place, id initiate a kiss, etc. and i noticed he wasn't really initiating any of that (same thing happened to bartender, but just that he wasnt initiating anything and i finally noticed).

    bleh. experimenting phase, fail. back to trying to tolerate women.

    I'm writing this at 4 am. not drunk/high, sober 100% just incase anyone was wondering.
     
  2. MyDecember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    You cant take texts and conversation online personally. The whole point of online conversations and texts is to communicate without socially interacting face to face. Sounds lie you're an extrovert and a very out going person. In my opinion you might have been to overwhelming for them treating these online conversations as an actual real social interaction when to them they might have felt more detached form the conversation that you hence the stop talk.

    As for the other guys, again I think you would need to find guys who were more extroverted and outgoing. It by no means was a failed attempt. In fact I would say you were more successful than guys who try to "experiment". I mean I'd rather stay experimenting than go back to tolerating something that forced me to be curious in the first place.

    Also if you were going to experiment with guys in general go all out (but in a safe way).
    What I mean is don't stick to one type. I used to be the same way, that ultra masculine guy is something I want but it isn't realistic because that masculinity usually has some insecurity to it. Explore some more, you might be surprised at what you like. I know I was.
     
  3. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    well i talked to the latest guy recently and i made him talk to me on the phone about it; he hated that. he wants things to progress naturally and he thinks that it might have been moving too fast, which it may very well have been. my beef is that he decided things were moving too quickly then took some steps back without talking to me, so it looked like disinterest on my end and he doesn't seem to get that. he thinks we're 'fine' but i haven't been talking to him as much lately and all thats going to happen is we're going to grow apart which sucks because i really like him. he helped me realize a lot of stuff but i feel like he wants me to stick around but have us stay in this 'unrelationship' phase or whatever you want to call it.

    and to be honest since all of this is new i feel like im eager to get more out of it because i unconsciously know hes not going to give it. i was wondering earlier if he was really into it if id get scared and run away, im not sure. i put so much effort into all this so far and id be really hurt if it doesn't last longer which is what im thinking about. i just dont think hes that into me bleh.

    at the same time im not out, and i still dont think people suspect anything as i went out last night and had a chick try to take me 'home' so i think i still have my masculine ways haha. but to try and find someone new to help me with all this and everything i feel like is going to take a lot of effort and this is putting me back a couple steps