One of life's Aha moments?

I'm sure this is all too common, and for that, I apologize. Anyway, here goes nothing.

For the past two years I have been questioning my sexuality, and so far I haven't come up with a definitive answer. I was hoping that maybe someone could help me sort through my own brain since I don't have anyone I can really talk to in real life. (Not that they wouldn't support me, but I've never been one to talk about things like that. I'm easily embarrassed.) So here is the story. (I warn you it's rather long and might be out of order.)

One day about two years ago when I was 14,(I guess I looked like I was in a foul mood or something) my family decided I needed to be cheered up and that this was best done by telling me that they would still love me if I was gay.(They really are quite supportive.) I, being naive, looked at them as if they were crazy and continued to eat my dinner, dismissing the conversation. It was the first time I ever opened my eyes to the option(for lack of better word). But at the time I thought little about it. Not to long after there was another incident. My sister, her friends and I had gone bowling, and I was getting tired and was frustrated with my score(It was my first time bowling), so I decided to sit a game out. It wasn't a big deal, at least not for me. However, my sister decided that she should come talk to me. She asked me if everything was alright and was there anything I wanted to talk about. I replied that I was just tired and no there was nothing I really had to say. She said "Okay, but it really is okay if you're a lesbian." I just gave her a look and put my head down, but in my head I was flipping out. Why would she think I'm a lesbian? I'm not manly... am I? I'm not the girly-est but I'm still a girl. I like puppies and bunnies and sweets. Is it because I'm so flat chested? Because I don't wear make up? But it feels icky! Why on earth does she think I'm a lesbian? For goodness sake! I've even told her I have a crush on **** (a boy). I practically went crazy the next few weeks, but eventually I pushed it to the back of my mind. A few months later, said boy asked me out, and of course I said yes. Nothing really changed between us, as we had been friends before, and that's pretty much how it stayed. Eventually ,however, he wanted to "take things further" (not like that, I was a naive and very innocent girl). He wanted to hold my hand and put his arm around me and for some reason this made me very uncomfortable. I had what I thought I wanted, someone to hug me and protect me, and now I wanted to just shove him away. I didn't, of course. I thought there was something wrong with me, so why offend someone I cared about? (never thought I loved him, I wasn't that much of a silly girl) We more or less broke up a few months later (he left without a word and I haven't seen him since), and I found out that he was really just a pervert (Maybe that was why I didn't like it when he touched me?). I found it strange that it didn't really bother me, that I was really only upset that I was lied too. Thoughts of being a lesbian came back and I did research, but just dismissed it. Summer came and so I had lots of free time, and unfortunately I spent most of that time on the internet. Somehow, I came across a post describing a lesbian who fell in love with a straight girl. I felt sorry for her and thought maybe I would... just for that one person. And I was shocked! Shocked that I would even think such a thing! How could I! I was betraying me. That made me stop and think. For it to have been betrayal, it had to be a secret, which meant(and I hated admitting it) that it had to be true. I spent the next weeks practically locked in my room, thinking and writing in my diary. I tentatively decided on bisexual (It was easier, I could handle that.), and then I forgot about it. I spent the rest of my summer happy and content. The next school year started and I guess I tricked myself to think I was straight again. I got a boyfriend pretty quickly, and he was a nice guy, but again I wanted to squirm when he even put is hand on me. Again I didn't, it would be impolite. It didn't last long and again I was single. I didn't really care. I just hung out with friends and I was happy. The year rolled round and I turned 16, it wasn't special in my mind. My dear sister started getting funny ideas though. She decided to tease me because I had never had my first kiss. In all reality, she was simply worried, but it didn't help. I started to freak out again. Then one day I was just getting out of third period when one of my best friends runs up behind me and gives me a big hug. At that instant there was a flood, like a dam of memories had given way. I realized that the first person I had ever kissed (on the cheek) was a girl. I realized that the friend I fought so hard for, the friend I tried to impress, the friend I only wanted to see smile, the friend I cried over when we quit talking, I wanted as more than just a friend. And I realized that right there in that person's arms I felt warm. I felt safe. I felt like I belonged. The first real thought that came to my head was:"Oh ****, I'm gay." So, I did what anyone would do(sarcasm) and gently pushed her away with a laugh. I went numb. I reacted to thing mechanically and managed to make it to the end of the day without crying. It didn't last. I got to my room, locked my door and proceeded to break down. I didn't understand, didn't get why I couldn't be normal. I was scared, that I would get hurt because people wouldn't accept me. And I felt lost, because my dream was suddenly ripped away from me. I wanted a husband and kids, I wanted it to be like what my parents have and now I couldn't have that. The next couple months I wrestled with myself, trying to redeem my "straight card" i guess. I kept getting images of my life as a lesbian. In one such picture/dream I had just woken up and was making coffee for my partner who was at the table while at the seat beside her was a glass of OJ. (I don't like coffee.) It made me feel better, but still I tried to push it away. In reality I think it isn't the thought of being gay, it's the thought of being different that bothers me. Lol. I think I feel better just having it off my chest!

Wow, now that I have it all in front of me I guess I have my answer really, but some confirmation couldn't hurt could it? If you actually read all that I applaud you.:eusa_clap I didn't even have enough patience to proofread it! I never realized I was so long winded. Sorry. And thank you for your time and patience and in advance for the advice.

 

Thanks, guys, I appreciate the support. I guess that I really already knew that, but it's just so much harder to deny when you see it written down. Oh well, life moves on I suppose, yes? Right now I actually feel quite okay with this, but it probably won't last. Lol. Again, thank you very much; it means a lot to me.

 

Thank you! I hope things go well for you both. It was (and still is) very strange to me at first. It's like there are two layers: one, on which it is calm and serene, and another, where there are falling buildings and volcanoes and just general chaos. In a way, I can understand that happiness for me I can finally quit arguing with myself. I know the truth, and now all I have to do is be comfortable with it.:icon_bigg

As for crushes, whatsnormal7, (though I will be the first to admit that I am no expert on the matter) I would think that if you were really good friends this wouldn't drive too much of a wedge between you two. (Then again, I come from the world of ideals, so the real world might work differently.) Ultimately, it’s up to you, but that is my two cents.

 

I am extremely lucky to have such an awesome family. Even the general area is pretty accepting. I've only met a handful of people who had something negative to say( at my school, anyway). Other than that no one seems to care. Of course, I was still surprised to actually see a pride flag, or that's what it looked like, anyway.(It was a big rainbow flag.) It was kinda cool.