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where to go from here

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by coastgirl, Jun 19, 2011.

  1. coastgirl

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    I'm a 27 year old female and in the last year I've finally lifted the veil of denial I was hiding under and accepted (kind of) the fact that I'm gay. However, this is really not easy and I've been really struggling with it. I'm wondering if I should go to a psychologist to try to figure out how to deal with all the internalized homophobia I have somehow acquired over the years.

    I seem to know, mentally and objectively, that I am gay. Yet when I really start to think about it I just can't get comfortable with it. I can't picture myself in a relationship with another girl yet somehow I want it. It's like I'm being pulled in two different directions. I've had so many crushes on other girls and am quite physically attracted to the ones I like, but the thought of actually acting on it kind of scares me. I've dated guys, I've done some physical stuff, and I just don't enjoy it. I've been attracted to some guys, but in the end I don't really get physically turned on by them.

    I've been getting super depressed lately (I don't think clinically, but it's definitely affecting my mood) and I'll have these mini panic attacks where I'm afraid my whole life is passing me by and I'm never going to find what I truly want: a fulfilling relationship. I have been really sensitive lately, random stuff makes me cry, and I've been a bit preoccupied with a bizarre fear of death - probably because I'm just not happy with how my life is going and I am afraid of dying before ever getting past this and experiencing love with someone who loves you back. I've never had that. And now the more I hang out with my friends and watch them easily go in and out of dating and relationships (well, maybe not easily, but at least they are having the experience and are able to freely act on their attractions) I get even more down because I just can't get out of my own damn way.

    I just feel really, really stuck. :bang: I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to figure it all out but nothing has changed for a year. I can still barely even say it out loud - in my apartment by myself no less. Ticking the "Lesbian" option for orientation for this forum still made me really uneasy. In middle school when I first started really noticing that I was crushing on girls I tried to explain it away and bury it. I just wanted to be friends with them. They were cool. I ended up getting seriously paranoid that people would suspect I was gay, to the point where I ended up getting some weird phobias and panic attacks (looking back it was probably all anxiety driven by that paranoia). Even now the stress of being in the closet and the emotional strain is building up and I'm just having all sorts of anxiety issues. I seem to have dealt with anxiety my whole life and I don't know for sure if it's related, but I'm betting it is.

    I know what I want...I just can't seem to get my mind around it. I have a crush on this girl who is a friend of some friends. I haven't even met her officially yet, but I know she is gay. From what I can tell she's fairly out, although she doesn't shout it from the rooftops. I just see that, though, and I desperately want what she has; she is out and still has friends who like her for who she is. She just acts like herself. I just want to get to that point.

    So, fark, should I just call a psychologist? I've found one that seems to be good. It's not super easy though since I doubt my insurance will cover this. I can afford it, but it's still pricey. I just don't know what else to do to get myself out of this rut! Just looking for some advice...this seems like a good community with some thoughtful, helpful people. Thanks for reading.
     
    #1 coastgirl, Jun 19, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2011
  2. Mogget

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    Going to a psychologist in times of stress and turmoil is usually a good idea. A lot of them operate on a sliding scale, too, which can be helpful. It definitely won't hurt to ask around.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC! :slight_smile: Glad you have joined the forum.

    If you can, I think it would be definitely a good idea to try seeing a counselor or psychologist to talk about your fears, anxieties, feelings and the hard time you are having with accepting yourself. Sometimes, depending on our own upbringing and social surroundings, our internal homophobia can be pretty strong and keep us pulling back. That said, you have already accomplished a small triumph over your internal homophobia by joining EC and starting to talk about it.

    Trying to come to terms with it all, can also produce a lot of stresses and emotions. As you keep processing it all and coming to terms with it, it is possible that you will have days where you will feel really emotional and perhaps even a bit fearful as to what the future might hold. But as you keep chipping away at the layers of your internal homophobia and are beginning to come out to yourself, some of the emotional roller coaster rides will become less of a roller coaster and will eventually stop all together.

    Even though it might seem like that your whole life is passing by you, know that this is far from what's happening. I'm pretty sure that you will be able to find a fulfilling relationship with someone, where you can say to yourself, 'yep, this feels right and I have true loving feelings for that someone.'

    In some ways, hanging out with friends, and seeing them dating and entering into relationships, might actually be a good thing in that it could help you to start looking more deeply inside of you and trying to understand yourself better, because you want what they have. Once you have started to understand yourself better, and have accepted yourself, you will be able to concentrate your energies on finding that right person for you.

    In addition to trying to see a psychologist, I would suggest that you maybe try checking out some LGBT support groups in your community. If you are living in the United States or Canada, PFLAG, would be a good starting point. There might also be a support group specifically for lesbians. Joining a support group or at least trying to meet with a member of a support group could help you in coming to terms with your own sexual identity. Talking about our feelings/experiences and also listening to others' experiences, and relating to them, can help us to make better sense of our own feelings.

    If you are finding that it would be hard to get visits to a psychologist financially covered, you could also look into free citizens' counseling options. Some communities have free counseling places, that are staffed by qualified counselors/psychologists.

    Hope this helps! (*hug*)
     
  4. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! You might go see a therapist if you think you'd benefit from it. But there's something else you might try.

    I get a vague sense that you've never actually befriended or gotten to know anybody gay. And I think that might be something you might want to do. Your thoughts and concerns aren't unusual, but they're most common in people who have that "disconnect". In that position, being gay is almost "clinical", like a mental exercise. But once you meet other gay people, and especially once you come out, it just sort of...is, you know?

    For example, your take on relationships. Early on, you say you just can't picture yourself in a relationship with another woman. And yet, later on, you say you're crushing on this girl. My guess is that you can at least somewhat potentially see yourself in a relationship with HER. The only difference? You've moved away from hypothetical. It's no longer "what would a relationship with a woman be like" - it's "what would a relationship with THIS woman be like". And a lot of being gay is like that. Instead of hypothetical situations, you get real ones. And the real ones seem to be easier to process. :slight_smile:

    My only concern is that you may be doing something I call "convenience crushing". It's common among gay folks who have more or less just realized their orientation, but are still in the closet. It seems we commonly find somebody nearby who is gay, and start a crush in that direction. As if the mindset is "well, if I could just hook up with this person, I wouldn't have to bother coming out OR looking for a partner". This isn't to say the crush isn't "legitimate", or that it can't work out. But it's probably good to consider the possibility in any case. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. coastgirl

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    Thanks for your replies, you've given me some helpful thoughts.

    Lexington: You really hit the nail on the head. Yes, I can definitely potentially see myself in a relationship with this girl that I'm crushing on. But when I think of being in a relationship with any other girls it's uncomfortable. So, I think you're right about that.

    And yes, you are absolutely right. I don't have any gay friends! Well, I should correct that. I have two gay male friends who came out after college, but they don't live near me and I don't talk to them much anymore. BUT - one of them is moving to my city in a few months so I'm sure I'll be seeing him quite often. The only thing is how to get to the point where I can come out to him. I have to somehow, and I don't want to drag it out. I want to do it in person. I'm really happy he will be here, but I have to work on myself before he gets here so I don't chicken out and never tell him.

    Crushes of convenience. Haha, I like that. Yes, that is likely contributing to this particular crush I have right now. Although...she does have that something special. I don't crush very often, and when I do I tend to get rather preoccupied with the person. That's probably not so healthy but I'm not sure how to change that one.

    Mirko: thanks for the encouraging words, and thank you for the suggestion on the gay related support groups. The only problem there is that I'm petrified. I can't even pick up a gay related magazine or book at a bookstore lest someone see me - even strangers I'll never see again. Therein lies the problem. I've been able to order books privately through amazon, so that has helped. But I'm REALLY stuck. Even some (not all) other lesbians make me uncomfortable - usually the more masculine ones. I love gay guys and have no problem whatsoever. But I'm fearful of lesbians sometimes - probably because I fear that in myself quite a bit. Yeah. I gotta get over it.:eusa_doh:

    I'm thinking seeing a psychologist would help me as I could at least verbalize it to someone. It would be a start. I think I could do it with a psychologist.
     
  6. adam88

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    Coastgirl, I know exactly where you are. I was there in late 09 early '10. Right down to the crush, depression etc. Verbalizing it to someone is certainly a good idea. Then you won't have it all bottled up .:slight_smile:
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.

    I was in a similar place to you a couple of years ago but now ive worked on through. I think the most important things to know are that it definately gets easier and that all the paranoia and the internal thoughts and traumas you have are way worse than anything that will happen when you actually do come out. Keep your chin up, I think seeing a proffessional person would probably help but stick around here on EC it can really do amazing things for you.
     
  8. coastgirl

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    Thanks again for the replies, it means a lot. If you wouldn't mind telling, how did you guys/gals work through it? I'm just curious on how people get over these mental blocks. Reading? Interacting with people? Just coming out kamikaze style? Or maybe point me to where you may have posted about it previously?
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Well I started by reading some stuff online and joining EC and posting a few threads here and there. EC helped me a lot because there is always someone there to talk to, you can post anonymously and the staff are amazing and always have tip top advice. I think joining EC and starting to open up to people about all the things I was hiding inside was the first big step. Then once I was a bit more comfortable talking to people I didnt know online the next big step I made was coming out to one of my close friends.

    Luckily for me my friend was very very supportive and she helped me feel more comfortable. I did go to a lesbian support group reasonably near where I live but I didnt feel that comfortable.

    My advice for you is if possible to come out to a friend, I think when you come out to a friend and they are supportive it makes you feel a lot better, and not like people finding out will make the world end.
    I think it is good that you have been reading information but I think whilst it has helped you get this far perhaps the way forward is to venture into something a bit different, I think joining EC will definately help you. Im not saying reading is bad but I think half the problem with accepting your sexuality and coming out is that your mind plays tricks on you and if you are not careful you end up over thinking things and sometimes you just end up winding yourself into more of a knot, or that is the case for me.
    Take your time but if something feels right just go for it.
     
  10. coastgirl

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    Haha, you just described me to a T. I am the queen of that.

    Thanks for the advice. Yeah. I agree, I need to tell someone. I think I have the perfect person...my gay friend from college and he's moving here. But not till September. I'll be working on myself in the meantime.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    No problem anytime, if you ever want to chat feel free to post on my wall. Its difficult when you feel like you are alone.
     
  12. sickoflimbo

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    Coastgirl, you sound like the female version of me :slight_smile:... I am in almost the exact same place, same age too. I think the suggestions in this thread are really great, and are going to be helpful to me too, thanks all.

    I see a therapist, and I think it is a good idea for you, IMO. I would suggest you vet your Dr., and don't necessarily pick the first one. You have to find one who clicks with you, and is supportive of this subject, obviously. In your situation, I would also suggest staying away from getting on meds. You don't sound like you want that, but therapists tend to push them these days, and you sound like you are doing well without them. I am on meds, I need them, so I'm not anti-medication. I do, however, think that you should avoid them if you can. Just my .02cents. Good luck!
     
  13. coastgirl

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    Thanks silverhalo! And sickoflimbo - definitely no meds! I know I'm perfectly healthy. I have some bad mental habits, but I like my brain chemistry just the way it is thank you :wink:

    Yeah, I have one therapist picked out to try first. I'm just afraid to pick up the dang phone!