So here's the thing, I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We're very much in love, it's rather sickening really. However, he's not out to his family (with the exception of one of his sisters - who has shown no interest in our relationship). He's met my family several times, despite us both living in London and them living in Manchester. My family love him and so far the relationship has ticked every box. We're now looking towards moving in together next year - but he has problems thinking ahead about the future until he has come out to his parents, he won't even go on holiday with me until they know. His closeted status is stopping us from progressing in our relationship. I ask about his thoughts on coming out and try to be there for him as much as possible but he doesn't want to talk about it. Last time we discussed it, he was so scared about the "coming out" scenario that he started crying and looked visibly traumatised. It made me concerned. I have a lot of gay friends and never seen such a fearful reaction. He assures me there's nothing out of the ordinary about his family and he's given me no reason to think that his parents will have an adverse reaction to coming out. It bothers me that he won't talk about it with me and keeps telling me to "leave it to him." He is fully out to friends and colleagues I should mention. But I don't know how much longer I can put up with being a secret to his family. It has crossed my mind that I give him an ultimatum or a deadline, but I imagine that could have counter-productive effects also. Any advice?
my buddy was in your possision once, i his families likes you, have him bring you up as a topic with them. "what do you think of him?" and if they say they think your nice, maybe just blurtout "well, he's my boyfriend." it worked for my friend.
That's a difficult situation, but if you are in love like you say you are, an ultimatum might work. I know it would work for me. If I was dating someone who really wanted me to come out, I'd make my best effort to do it. Though I'd also never prevent the progression of a relationship just because i'm not out to my parents.
Welcome to EC! I was in a vaguely similar situation, in that my boyfriend had never come out to his parents. In fact, even though we're both over 40, and we've been together thirteen years, he STILL hasn't come out to his parents. Thing is - that family has a completely different dynamic than mine. In mine, everything is pretty much discussed outright. There aren't really any "dirty little secrets" in my family. But in his family, NOTHING is ever discussed. Things may be brought to light, but it's always in the most roundabout fashion, without ever talking about anything directly. The idea of "coming out" to his parents didn't make any sense to him, since that went against how the family did everything. Of course, to me, this seemed silly. Why not just TELL them? But it finally occured to me - this isn't my family. I can't force them, or expect them, to operate under the dynamic that MY family operates under, even if I think our way is the better one. And as such, my partner never DID have to come out to his family. I was just "Lex". The guy whom their son moved in with. The guy whom their son moved to two different places with. The guy who bought a house with their son. And they got it. I don't know if they've ever said the "g-word" (gay) or the "b-word" (boyfriend), but they understand our relationship. When my grandmother died, his parents sent my mother a condolence card. When his father was in town to meet an old friend, he invited not just his son along to have dinner with them - he invited Lex along, too. A few points to be made here. First off, be careful of assuming all family dynamics are the same. Yes, coming out might be the obvious and even the easiest step to an outside observer, but that doesn't mean it'll be the simplest or only way to accomplish your goals. Also, he doesn't even have to come out to his parents if he doesn't want to. If he wants to say "I moved in with JM", that can be sufficient. If they want to ask questions, he can answer them then. So what to do? I'd say offer him that alternative. That you two move in together, and he tell his parents just that. It may be that he'll dismiss that idea, as well. At that point, I'd go ahead and ask for some sort of timeline. I wouldn't give an ultimatum, but I'd say "I understand what you're going through, but I'd rather not keep our relationship in limbo indefinitely." Lex
Heh Lex...your boyfriend's family sounds an awfully lot like Will Truman's. Not saying they're "wasps" but when his father was having an affair, it was known but never discussed lol. As for the topic situation, I've dealt with that actually. My boyfriend kinda had at first been okay with my being closeted, but by about the 7 month mark, it was getting tiresome to him to always pretend he had breasts (i always said i was out with one of my girl friends). So eventually I finally did it, though it was probably the toughest moment of my life so far to tell. But sometimes, you need an ultimatum or something like Lex suggested and that might be what you want to do because if it's just bugging you now, that might be a wise thing to do.
Thank you all for your welcome and your replies. They all make so much sense. We had a talk tonight and I mentioned many of your points, especially yours Lexington, so thank you for your fresh take on the situation. I think he knows after our talk tonight that an ultimatum isn't long off, but I don't want it to get anywhere near that but I think he can tell I'm struggling. Thanks guys x
I'll add couple other thoughts: Sometimes it's helpful to gently ask him to just fantasize about what the outcome might be... good and bad. Talk about it in detail. What might his dad say? What might his mom say? How would he respond if they said this or that? What would he do in the worst-case scenario? Sometimes simply by walking through all of the possible outcomes, it has the effect of taking away some of the fear and helping the person to understand that whatever it is, it is probably manageable. And look at what factors might influence the outcome; if your bf comes from, say, a very conservative Christian family, or a first-generation Asian family, then those are typically more difficult situations because in the first case there are a lot of religious beliefs, and in the second, there's a concern about the effect on the extended family and expected family obligations. Finally, gently communicate how it makes you feel; that you end up feeling invisible, or second class, or devalued, because he doesn't feel good enough about your relationship to confront the situation. The bottom line is, it probably has a lot to do with his own self-esteem issues. If you can help remind him what a good person he is, then as he develops more confidence in himself, it will be easier for him to consider coming out.
Hi, I'm in the same situation, except I'm the one in narnia. My family are not the best at discussing things, never have been and never will be, my uncle came out to them and I've not seen him for 7 years. All i can think about is being disowned by my family when i tell them. There is alot of secrets in my family because people won't or can't talk. I don't know why they are like that but it's impossible to be myself around them, I'm not camp so there is not even any giveaways that will drop hints. I know my uncle could help but I don't even know where he is I asked the question as to where he lived, all i got as answer is dunno. Seriously I know it's a pain but u give him an ultimatum you can be saying it's me or your family. the way most of my family are it would be I'd not speak to most of them again, you'll prob think I'm over exaggerating but when you remember some of the things your aunts and uncles said about their brother, and no one has seen him since. Please don't pressure him into it, if it was me I dunno what I'd do, if my bf was to say tell them by end of month or it's over how much more pressure is that gonna put him under and it's not good either, if he loves you he'll want to be with you but his family are a part of his life too and if he tells them he may lose them.
