Hey all. This will be long, but I feel details are necessary for true advice to be given, so thanks in advance to anyone who reads it. I've finally taken a plunge and registered here. I've done a ton of searching the web, and more time spent stuck in my mind searching my thoughts than is healthy. I need to talk to some like minded people (hopefully you all), as I feel I'm ready to make a move. I'm in my late 20's, and it's been a LONG journey of shame, denial, basically anything that you can think of, and many of you can relate to, I'd guess as far as emotions are concerned. I've been confused/in denial of my sexuality for a long time. It got to the point a few years ago that I became so depressed I had to leave work and move back in with my parents. I'm much better now as far as depression is concerned, thankfully. Looking back it started when I was in 8th grade. I had girls who were interested me, and girlfriends. I made out with girls, but something was missing. I even turned down a blowjob in 8th grade. I was scared. I never entertained the possibility of being gay, though... not me. I am masculine, I played sports, I couldn't be gay, right? Well, when I was 15, one of my good friends used to always offer to blow me if I reciprocated, when he spent the night. I said no repeatedly, until we were drunk one night. I denied it, but I enjoyed it. Our friendship pretty much dissolved into awkwardness after that, and it was a one time thing. I fantasized about it, yet still convinced myself I was straight. I had no girlfriends in High School, even though I could have. I was terrified of women sexually. Every time I would get in a situation where something could happen, I wouldn't get an erection, so I avoided it. In college, first semester in the dorms, I finally hooked up with a girl I was completely un-attracted to, as I really did want to have sex. I was under the influence of multiple substances, and again, I couldn't get it up. I convinced myself it was the intoxication, but at that point it was really eating me up. Still, I was straight in my mind, though at that point, I started getting called gay by friends. When we'd get drunk, and the censor would be turned off, they'd make fun of me, I don't know why I hung out with them still. I moved on from that group eventually, but emotionally, they made me feel worthless. I continued on, and when I was 20, I finally had my first real girlfriend, and lost my virginity. I couldn't get it up the first few times, but once I got comfortable with her it was good. We were together for 4 months, not too long, but our sex life was pretty good. I was attracted to her, and enjoyed sex. I initiated it, and wanted it, but still sometimes things wouldn't work, and something just was missing. I didn't love her or have any emotional attachment with her. I had nothing in common with her, and really just enjoyed finally having physical, and sexual experiences with another person. I was constantly confused. She ended up making out with a friend of mine, and I ended it. Soon after, I was into another girl, and we finally hooked up. I slept over, and made out with her, but turned down a B.J., because once again, I never got hard. Nothing progressed there and I convinced myself that I was just nervous, and paranoid from my first experience. Come another month later, I hooked up with another girl, and couldn't get it up again, and we tried for a while. Since then, I'm ashamed to admit it, but all I've had were two massage parlor hand jobs. Had trouble getting it up for them too, but with some coaxing it worked. I just needed something besides myself. It's been about 6 years now since I've had sex. I think already, all signs point to gay. Enough of the graphic talk. 3 years ago when I had a complete breakdown, I finally told my therapist what I was going through, and it's pretty much been back and forth since then. Basically I've been stuck. I've finally accepted that I'm not straight, but I still can't quite commit to Bi or Gay. I will be confident one way, and it changes throughout the same day. I feel no motivation to hit on women, and I'm scared to approach men. I have never had gay friends, and that probably doesn't help. I need to go to the center in my city, but I am afraid to. I don't want to be seen. At this point, I've completely isolated myself from friends aside from going to work. I do nothing. I told my sister a little over a year ago what's going on, and she's completely supportive, and I told my mom I was confused soon after, but she seemed to dismiss it. Neither made me feel better. I know my sister is there for me at least. I also know my parents will still love me and all, my mom has a gay brother, who was roommates with my dad prior to being out of the closet. That's how they met. Both of them have no problem with gay people. My parents, especially my dad, do make homophobic comments, and use the F-word at times. He doesn't realize what he says, and doesn't mean it, but it's not funny. It's not appropriate, and words like the F-word, and when people say that's gay register in a painful way to me. I know my dad would still love me, and doesn't really mean what he's saying, but it still hurts. I also know it would disappoint him, though he'd never admit it, if I come out. We're best friends, and he'd lose an aspect of our friendship, the one where I pretend to like women. I know I have to live for me, but I don't want to hurt him, and I have some serious shame about who I am. It's some extreme self hatred in fact. It almost hurts more to me to hear people such as my dad, who don't have any problem with gay people make homophobic comments. After reading the jumbled mess I've typed, it actually seems pretty obvious that I'm gay, I just have a mental block on it. I find men attractive, but I don't really like gay porn. I like straight porn, but only like watching the finishing shots, if you know what I mean. That is probably a bit gay, no? I also have started watching the LOGO show 1 girl 5 gays, and I love it. It's like I feel fascinated, and kind of comfortable? I do find the the host, a woman, to be hot, but I also feel that way about some of the guys. When it comes down to it, I know I don't want to be gay, but I've spent almost 14 years fighting it, and I'm losing. It's really hurting me. I am hanging on to kind of having attraction to women, but I feel like it might all be fake. I know when a girl is attractive, even straight women do. I do enjoy sex with women, but something isn't right, and I make no attempt at having it anymore, so that's a sign. I've isolated myself from my friends because I've realized that I'm living a lie, and It's so tiring that it's unbearable. I'm pretty certain they all think I'm gay too, and obviously they don't care if they're still hanging out with me. My parents have to have an Idea too, considering I told my Mom I was confused, and I haven't been with a single girl since I've moved back in with them. I really just can't commit. I feel like I need to come out to my parents, it will be next to impossible to move forward for me if I don't, since we're so close, and I moved back in with them. I'm just terrified. I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning with my mom, but couldn't do it. I haven't come to full acceptance to myself yet, so I'm worried it's not smart to tell them yet, but I feel like I am moving nowhere. I feel like telling them might make me move forward, but that might be flawed logic. When it comes down to it, I need to do something, and I think I want to tell my mom soon, and then my dad. I'm just stuck doing nothing right now. Literally nothing. I refuse to continue friendships with people, when I'm lying to them the whole time. It's not fair, and it's exhausting. I need advice please. Thanks to anyone who read this massive post, I'm terrified to hit submit new thread. I really am ashamed of myself.
Ok the first thing you need to know is that its ok to feel like you do. It seems like you are confused about your sexuality and its going to take a little exploring to figure it out. Its not easy to admit that when it comes to sex you might be Bi but emotionally you might be Gay. If that doesn't make sense to people well I tend to believe that there can be sex and love or they can be separate. I am totally fine with the idea of just having fun with another person I am attracted to and that might be where you are with women. However it sounds to me that when it comes to matters of the heart you prefer men. Now again this is all my opinion so take it for what its worth. Its going to take soul searching and maybe experimenting for you to figure all this out and it wont be easy. But know that you have people in your life to support you and the people here are great they don't judge and they are here to help. Keep your chin up and remember this is a safe place to vent and ask questions. (*hug*) Remember things will be ok and more importantly YOU are ok just the way you are.
I just want to say that I really feel you and understand what you're going through. I'm also in my late 20's, and I'm just beginning to figure myself out. I've always had crushes on girls, even enjoyed sex with women, and never considered myself gay, but in the past year or so I've begun to question my orientation. I'm frightened that I'm in heavy denial, and that my attraction to women is 'fake'. I also do 'very little' and I'm scared of social engagements because people might look at me and think I'm gay. Just know you're not alone, and a lot of people are having the same kinds of issues. I know it's tough, but you can get through it. Ultimately, you owe it to yourself to have a shot at happiness in life, and I'm saying this to myself just as much as you. Don't give up, good luck.
Welcome to EC man, it takes a lot of balls to admit all of that to total strangers. I'm pretty much in the same position you are in. I fluctuate in my level of self acceptance, e.g. tonight I feel fine, last night I was really depressed. You need to know that there's nothing wrong with being gay. I read somewhere that almost every species documents some sort of homosexual behaviour, but only one exhibits homophobia. Which seems unnatural now? I may only be 16, but I've pretty much always known I was gay, even though until a few months ago I clung on to being straight, and until a few weeks ago being bisexual. I've gone out with girls and had sex once, but it was just for my reputation, I didn't really enjoy it. I know exactly where you're coming from with the lying to friends, and it makes sense now, to slowly come out to people, as and when you see fit. I intend to soon come out to my best friend. I myself am guilty of overusing the phrase 'that's so gay', and I intend to keep using it if I come out. I think you have to just accept that through the social stigma of homosexuality, gay became a word associated with bad things, and its just stuck. I think its use as an insult has no affiliation with homosexuality anymore, as if you call an openly gay person gay, is that not just stating the obvious? About your mum and dad, they will keep loving you. Mothers have a habit of loving unconditionally. Why would they have carried you for nine long months if they didn't love you? It may take a while for her to accept that your are gay/bi, but she will accept it. Your dilemma with your dad is slightly more complicated. Again, he will still love you, but men are much more homophobic and less accepting than women, as a general rule. The fact remains, you will be the same person you were before you came out. Why should he treat you any differently? If he can't accept you for who you are, he doesn't deserve you for a son. I hope that I've helped you along 'the journey' in some way, and good luck to you in all your endeavors!
First of all: Hi, and welcome to EC! :smilewave A massive post is something I always like, and I hope you don't mind a massive reply. I assure you you did the right thing in hitting "submit thread" anyway. There's nothing to be ashamed of, really. Finding out more about yourself and trying to lead a better, more honest life are things to be rather proud of, in fact! Your story sounds remarkably similar to how I spent most of my youth. I never actually went so far as to hook up with girls, but I did have a similar feeling of "this is what you're supposed to do, and if I meet enough girls, I'll probably find one that attracts me both physically and mentally. I guess :dry:" ...then only to be floored by the next new guy in class, but forcing myself not to admit it. After the years, fighting it becomes an ingrained reflex, until the point where you stop questioning the reasons for it. But what helped for me was to do the following thought experiment: "what if I just stopped fighting it and allowed myself to think I am gay?". No one needs to know it, at first, but maybe you should just try imagining how your life would be. Write down "I'm gay" on a piece of paper. Say it in front of a mirror if no one's listening. While you're doing it, shrug and say "so what if I'm gay?". When you're in public, look at a cute guy and just allow yourself to think: "what if I went to him right now, asked him out, and he said yes?" Just speaking for myself here, but I found that I went from thinking about girls: "Okay, I guess I can stomach being with her. And I guess the sex wouldn't be too bad..." to thinking about guys: "And then I think we could also get a dog, and take long walks in the countryside, and spend the entire night up counting stars, drowning in each other's eyes..." ...and realised that it was pretty clear in retrospect what I really wanted. It just helped to try it out in my own mind first, where I could at least have the safety net that if being gay to myself didn't work, no one of my friends would have ever known anyway. So, assuming you've eased yourself into it, then there is the matter of coming out to others. I'm not going to lie here: coming out is hard. I can do it spontaneously now, but for the first few times, I would have never managed it if I didn't prepare in advance. Maybe you could try writing a letter first? Not necessarily to send. Just as a dressed rehearsal. "If I would come out, I would want to say this, and this, and this". That already helps to make matters more concrete. You could even put it up to get our input. And when you tell your parents, you have the advantage of at least having a mental map of what to say (and a printed version to give if all else fails). I do think that you're focusing on the negatives of coming out too much. Yes, you might lose that "boys amongst each other" feel with your dad and friends. At first. But for me, that actually grew back pretty quickly. In fact, without the crushing feeling of having to filter every single statement, and keep up with the lies you told, I'm closer to most of my friends than ever before. It takes some time, and the discussion topics change a bit, but real, guiltless friendship is quite a benefit to be had. Last but not least: it always helps to talk with other GLBT people. So stick around! Read a bit in other threads. Post some more in threads or on walls. Seeing that being gay is no big deal, and most GLBt people are just regular guys and girls apart from who they feel attracted to helps. And you might want to try swallowing your doubts and contact the GLBT center too. Most of them don't have paparrazi parked in front of them, so you're unlikely to get noticed, really. And if you have an e-mail, they might even be willing to meet up away from the center for an introductory meeting. Many (*hug*)(*hug*) things might seem bad, but I don't doubt for a second they'll work out!
Hey all, I don't have time to get in detail right now, I'm working... but for now, thanks for the reads and responses. Lots of good advice. I'll get back to you all later, but a preliminary thanks for now.
Thanks man. We do sound similar. I definitely am scared of social engagements as I feel people might think I'm gay. That's pretty much why I don't go out. My friends have to know something's up, since I've had one girlfriend, and that was 6 years ago. I'm almost past worried about telling them, It's just that to say I'm confused is not something that most people would understand. I feel like if I'm wrong, I'll be stuck in a label that's hard to get out of. The whole bi thing is difficult for me. I have never really had a friendship with a woman. I feel like if I have candid conversations, they will know I'm confused. One of my sister's friend was totally hitting on me a couple months ago, and asked me to call her, and I didn't even pick up on the fact that it was going on. My dad told me later. That type of stuff really confuses me, and It's the type of social situation that scares me. I feel like if I were straight I would have picked it up and gone after her. She's about 10 years older than me, and good looking. Why would I not go for it? Confusing, arghh. Thanks for the words man, and good for you to start figuring this out at your age. I'm envious of that. If I can give you some advice, stay away from saying "that's gay." I don't think we as a society should accept that gay means bad. It is one of the many subtle messages we are given throughout our lives that make things difficult for us. It CAN be changed, and should be. We don't have to wave the white flag on that type of language. I'm definitely too sensitive, but really, I don't think we, straight, gay, or bi should stand for that type of language. Just a thought. Thanks again for the words. You are definitely right about a lot of things. I am most definitely focused on negatives. I think that experiences with some of the people I used to hang out with that were homophobic really hurt me. I tried to be with a crowd of people that were harmful to me, and treated me poorly. I think I wanted to be them, so I stuck around them in the hope for acceptance. It did damage. I need to get out of the negative, it's a problem I have in my thought process for many things. I do also need to go to the center. They have resources I could benefit from, and you're probably right about the lack of paparazzi . I think hanging with some gay people would help me see if I fit in with them, and help make me see if they're like me. Reading this also made me think I presented my father in too negative of a light. He's a great guy, and I know he will accept me no matter what. He even says things like homophobic guys probably have some confusion themselves, and his comments are just innocent, he doesn't realize what he's saying. We really are best friends, and I think that I have some paranoid, and unfounded issues that I'm creating in my head with him. They are just based on fear, and I've come to conclusions in my head that likely aren't real. I saw my therapist last night, and he thinks I need to tell my dad what I'm going through. I think he's right. I'm in a unique situation, and have a close relationship with him that isn't necessarily common, but it's great. I think he might feel hurt if he finds out that I've been going through all this and didn't feel like I could bring him in, my therapist said the same. Even though I'm not sure, due to the fact that I had to move back in with my parents, they are key in my life, and know that I do nothing. As such, and since they are open minded, it's probably the right thing to do to let them in. I want to, I'm just scared. I think the fact that I'm so confused makes it so scary to talk about. If I knew where I stood, I'm at the point that I think I would be confident to spit it out. I'm so antsy about it, it's like I'm about to burst. Any advice on this? Thanks so much to all of you. It's so selfless to help me out, I appreciate it... another massive post.
It's tempting to want to be absolutely sure before coming out, and then tell people from a position of absolute self-assuredness and confidence. For some people that might even be possible. For me, however, it was precisely the other way around. Obviously I didn't come out while I was still desperately trying to become straight, but the first time I told people, I wasn't much further than: "I feel attracted to guys, but don't call me gay to my face, and I really don't know what to do with this". But then, when faced with the acceptance of my friends, and mainly by talking a lot with them (it helped that some were rather fascinated by the topic), I slowly got more confident and also more sure of where I stood. Obviously, I could theorise to myself all I want about what kind of guys I'd like, what I'd want out of a relationship, and how I would react if the whole world knew. However, it really is an eye-opener to just discuss it with friends, listen to their opinions, and meanwhile come to a better understanding of yourself. And, actually, it continues being a journey. I'm pretty sure right now that I'm as gay as they get, and I could describe you what I want out of a guy, but don't ask me about sex stuff, as I'm still not entirely sure what I'd ever want to do about that... You never cease to learn more about yourself. So, while it helps to have a reasonable idea, I don't think you should be absolutely sure either. Sometimes it's best to jump and learn to fly in mid-air. Especially since there's a lot of people here and elsewhere who are living proof it works.
Filip, I like your suggestion that I need to jump, and learn to fly in mid-air. I'm having so many second thoughts. I really need to do it, it's just so hard. I've been feeling straight lately too. I'm really frustrated. This is just complaining, and I guess has no purpose, but I'm just stuck. I need to do it, I know, I just am afraid. Thanks for the responses man, I might take a bit of time, but you have helped me. This forum is so awesome. Incredibly accepting and positive. The world needs a place like this, and this is an example of how the internet can be a wonderful tool.
