Hi guys, This is a ramble because I'm upset and I have nobody to talk to, I'm sorry.Also it probs doesn't even make sense... Damn. This is loooooong. I just had skyped someone who used to be one of my best friends and it was clear she just wasn't interested, she was talking to someone else online at the same time and there were long pauses and then after about ten minutes she just disconnected me without warning. She's been ignoring my messages lately (When she heard that I'd outed myself you should have heard the contempt in her voice. I don't understand this at all.)and tbh as we got older we've grown apart a little. Now when we meet up (very seldom) all we talk about is LBGT things. It's probably because we don't actually have much else in common and because I wasn't out to anyone but her until recently so I felt this need to vent at her. The thing is I think that it annoyed her because there's a general misunderstanding that she is a lesbian when she isn't. She's asexual gender queer. That's what she says. The thing is, idiot that I am, when she first told me this and for a while afterward I just didn't get it, I didn't understand and when I said I didn't understand she said that she didn't understand why I didn't get it and was offended. She also blames me for ‘outing’ her even though I did not. Her sexuality was the currency of gossip when we were 14 and I don’t think it is fair of her to blame me for this merely because I’m a terrible actress and when I was interrogated by bullies I wasn’t a convincing liar. She also says that it’s unfair that I “got away with” being gay, that nobody suspected (I’m super femme) whilst she got all the abuse for something she isn’t. She’s often said that she wishes she could have stood up and told them that I was the gay one. Yet, she was always defending me you see. I’m a weaker and needier person. That said, her defence of me didn’t prevent her from calling me ‘pathetic’ and ‘a drama queen’ and twisting my arm behind my back until I thought it was going to break. She spent many years bullying me~ now she outright denies it~ I thought she had changed though, I forgave her because I knew she was having a tough time and because I felt guilty because I blamed myself for her self-harm and thought that I could have prevented it. I don’t understand people. Just when I think I’ve got them sussed out they go and hurt me or do something strange. The reason why I was friends with this girl in the first place was because it was the first day of secondary and I had none. I had been bullied through primary and I was being abused at home. She seemed like an intelligent person, an outsider like me, so I clung to her and hoped she would be kind to me. At first she ignored me. She told me to ‘F-off’, she told me I was stupid. Then, later, we became friends. She supported me when I needed it most. I genuinely thought that we would be friends for ever. I think I might have been in love with her. I was never attracted to her but I loved her in some other way. Young love is confusing. Now I don’t know what I want~ she’s terrible at discussing feelings and she never apologises, she’ll never admit her meanness and she’ll never admit any hurt. She’s a nice person now; it’s like all the previous didn’t happen. (Although everything to do with being gay is still on-going and she still says I’m a bitch and an old fag) She does a lot of outreach work and is thinking of going into the Church. I don’t know if our friendship is salvageable, with it goes the closest friend I’ve ever had...they all seem to leave. I know I’m not a saint, I know I’m needy, and that suffering from mental health problems is hard to understand. Why can’t people get that depression is an illness and that I genuinely can’t ‘buck up’ and meet up when they think I should. Why is an anxiety disorder a sign of self-indulgence or self-pity? Why is it that lots of people say they like me, that I have lots of acquaintances and yet not one real friend who I really feel I can open up to? Am I such a terrible person? I’ve always thought that I must be and this friend leaving me is just the final proof... :’( [Rant ends]
Hun this friendship if you can call it that sounds unhealthy. A friend is supposed to support you and make you feel good. Not bully you, blame you all the time and never say they are sorry. You are not a bad person but your "friend" sounds like they are. You need to see that you are emotionally dependent on other people and must learn to break that. You need to learn to love your self and not allow others to dictate how you feel and see yourself. You cannot love others or have a healthy relationship with anyone untill you learn to love yourself.
Let me tick off a few things you say about yourself and/or your relationship with her. * You're "not a saint". * You've got anxiety issues, and "can't meet people when they think you should". * You two don't have much in common. The first two, even collectively, aren't necessarily a deal breaker. But when you toss in the third, there doesn't seem to be much reason for her to WANT to be your friend. Friendships are supposed to be pleasant and fun. When you help a friend out, it's because you like them enough and have enough pleasant history in the past that helping out isn't a burden. It's something you want to do. But if the relationship mainly involves somebody being clingy, or being contacted because "I'm bored" or "you're the only one I have", the friendship becomes more of a chore than a pleasantry. And the history of this relationship looks like it's ended up being a chore (for both of you) rather than a pleasantry. It may be true that "she's all you have". But if you're in a shipwreck, you wouldn't grab a heavy safe because "that's all I have". You'd let that sucker sink, and tread water until you can get to something that actually would help keep you afloat. And right now, I'd say you're in that position. Bib's got the right idea, I think. Yeah, it's very easy to toss off phrases like "love yourself", but it's actually the way to go. Friendships come a lot easier once you love yourself. If you think you might need help getting to a point where you love yourself, maybe we can help you out with that. The only other thing I'd suggest is to always keep in mind what you're bringing to the table. Having anxiety disorder or anything else won't preclude you from being a friend, necessarily, but make sure you've got something to offer. Lex
Hi guys. Thanks for responding; sorry for the SUPER late reply but the day after I posted this my internet got cut off and it’s only just come back (we've changed providers). Well that was a melodramatic post I made! Although it was literally just after the putting-phone-don-ness and I was in a state. You're totally right about it being unhealthy, I've often thought that, we haven't spoken since then and she hasn't responded to my olive-branch message either. I guess I don't get much choice then, although I shan't be too worried about it. When I said she's 'all I have' I really meant in terms of when I was younger and now that's not true at all I have lots of new friends who I met a few months ago as well as one really close male friend I've had for years. For some reason the only person I'm really clingy with is her (go figure) maybe it’s because she was the only queer person as well as person I was out to for years and years and we went through a lot of sh-t together. Maybe because its she is a pretty controlling person and played emotional games where she sometimes acted like she was my friend and sometimes bullied me and that made me want to please her all of the time. It's a bit sad but I think I'll just let this friendship go. We're not really good for each other...
