Confused and just need someone to talk to

Welcome to EC!

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that one's sexual orientation/identity is set in stone, and once you start getting "data", you'll quickly figure out which it is. And that IS true for many people, for the most part. But for other people, their sexuality is more fluid. Even among bisexuals, they may find they're more interested in one gender than the other at different times of their lives. And it seems the younger you are, the more likely your sexuality will be fluid. (Even here, us old people are more likely to get "stuck in our ways". ) So I wouldn't worry too much about precisely pegging where your sexuality is at.

Your post certainly suggests bisexual. You've shown you can be in a physical and emotional relationship with a woman (without forcing things), and you seem not only interested in guys sexually, but you don't seem overly freaked out by the idea of being with a guy. So if you want to have a label, "bisexual" will do for now. And feel free to write it in pencil - things can and do change.

Will you "get bored"? Perhaps. But I've often said that this trait certainly isn't exclusive to bisexuals. I'm attracted to both muscular and geeky guys, for instance. So if I get into an exclusive relationship with a geek, will that mean I'll someday "get bored" with the whole geek thing, and want to hook up with a muscular guy? Honestly, no way of knowing. My theory is that if you're satisfied NOW, and happy NOW, then there's no use worrying about the future. I'd say full disclosure would be the right move, but other than that, I wouldn't hamper my current happiness for something that might or might not happen in the future.

Lex

 

Hello there, and welcome to EC! :smilewave

I have the impression that you mainly want us to tell you you're gay, but I'm in the same boat as Lex, above. My bet is on bisexual. I'm hardly the final authority on other people's sexuality, but your description of your relationship with this girl does sound like nothing I ever experienced with a girl. at most, I'd get infatuated with a girl, all the way through regretting she was saddled with a female body. What you describe seems much more honest and complete than mere denial.

Maybe you could say that you're more attracted to men in general than to women in general, but who we fantasize about and who we fall in love with can be different sometimes. Real people tend to overrule vague fantasies that way.
And while porn can be an indication, don't treat it as the final authority either. I still watch straight porn, occasionally. Without screaming But I definitely know I'm not intrested in women anyway.


So, yeah, if you love someone emotionally and physically, then it's best to go with the flow, I think. Whether that next person you meet is a guy or a girl. Other temptations and moments of boredom might happen, but that is not all that different from what happens to any relationship whether gay or straight. If and when that happens, they all have to decide whether to work through it or to call it a day.


Maybe not the clear-cut answer you were hoping, but I do hope our opinions can at least help you along a bit!

 

I agree with those above that you are probably bisexual but with a preference for guys. I dont think you should worry about whether you are bisexual or homosexual in terms of becoming bored with a partner its just something you are never going to know, even if you are bisexual it doesnt mean you will become bored, bisexuality doesnt make you any less able to have a committed relationship. I am currently with my first ever girlfriend and I have been with her almost 2 years, I could say to myself being as she is my first girlfriend will I get bored of her and wonder what else is out there that I am missing out on? But the truth is I dont know at the moment I love her and I want to be with her and im not interested in what else is out there. If I get to the point where I am wondering what else is out there that im missing then it probably means the relationship has run its time and come to an end. I dont know if that makes any sense.

I think the best thing you can do if see the therapist like you plan and in the meantime just go with the flow if you want to tell some of your friends just tell them what you told us, you know you're not straight but you havent quite figured it out yet and whoever you fall in love with next girl or guy just go with it, as long as you love them it wont matter.

 

Yes, sounds like you are bisexual. I agree with the other posts.

 

Your story seems similar to mine. Personally, I'm leaning towards a "gay with exceptions" label though I did start out calling myself bi (I am just never sure where the cut off is for claiming bisexuality or if the attractions to women are just exception because they are fairly rare (if genuine)).

 

Hello and Welcome to EC.
Labels sometimes are ugh.xD
Be what you feel more comfortable with...
And if you still feel like there is something missing... look for the missing puzzle piece.
Do you see yourself living with a guy? Having a house etc?

 

Hello Again, it is good to hear that you are accepting more your feelings and yourself.
One thing I may recommend, thought, is to not become too fixated on the sexual attraction. Being gay or bi is not just about feeling sexually attracted, but of other stuff as well.

 

It's hard to say, really. I can say in retrospect that I already stared at guys from when I was 9 or 10 years old. I was always more fascinated by the male roles in books, TV shows or movies. And I could be very obsessed with befriending some guys in my class and hanging out with them as much as possible.
Hindsight is 20/20, though, and I'm not sure if this counts as genuine attraction rather than that "girls are icky, guys are cool" stage that a lot of straight kids have as well.

And after that, I distinctly remember honestly crushing on a girl when I was about 12, and a couple of months crushing 5 times as hard on a guy and never going back to girls.
So, to the best of my memory, it was just a confusing time of not knowing what I really liked. There was (I feel) always an element of same-sex attraction there, though.

I'll admit, the satisfaction you seem to have when dating women can be confusing. I've never dated women before myself, so I honestly can't say whether that is normal, or whether it would go away in time.
Easy solution (in theory, that is) would be, obviously, to compare with dating a guy. Or at least befriending local GLBT people and seeing where that leads. Might be that you find out feelings that way that you couldn't figure out when just doing the thought exercise.

So, does your uni have a GLBT society that you could go to? Any other way you could meet GLBT people in the flesh?

 

i'ma go ahead and disagree with any of the labels so far... 'bisexual'....'gay'....

you're a person =) you're unique, and just as your personality and body are unique, so is your sexuality.

join the club!

hehe

i hope you learn to enjoy your difference =)

the best way to learn about it is to recognise that it DOESN'T MATTER which way you lean, or whether you lean both ways, or which way you lean more than the other....

it really, really doesn't, and the sooner you don't mind how you turn out, the more rapidly you will learn about yourself.

hit me up if you're ever after a chat with a random who won't judge you =)

[edit] oh and by the way after 2 years here i still don't really know what i am either, but i am content with that, because i know it will work itself out with time.

You never stop learning about yourself as you grow older... a fact we should all be thankful for. If we did stop, life would be so very dull.

 

All I really have to say is that I feel similar sometimes. I'll lead to one gender one day and the next I'll be the opposite and thoroughly challenging my sexuality. It's always changing. It's confusing sometimes (okay, a lot of the time), but I'm kind of accepting it. I think that might be how your feeling a little bit. I think everyone has that changing in their sexuality. It's never really solid.

 

>>>I know my family will accept me (they're extremely liberal and support gay marriage and all that), but I am really worried about my best friend. He actually lives in another country, and where's he's from, homosexuality is not exactly tolerated, to any extent. I know a lot of people say, "well if doesn't accept you, he's not really your best friend." I've never believed this to be true. We're all products of the environments we grew up in, and if you don't know any better, it's not your fault.

Well, be that as it may, if he can't overcome his society's prejudices to accept the fact that you're gay, then he's decided that his society's prejudices are more important to him than his friendship with you. And while that might be understandable to some degree, that still means he's not a friend in my book.

Lex

 

Another point of view perhaps: if you don't give him an opportunity to break out of his culture, then how is he ever going to do it? Waiting until he randomly has an epiphany about gay people?

Coming out to friends is a bit of a risk. But often, even if it takes some time, a good friendship wins out in the end. If you come out right, he might be able to see that you're not a different person than the one he knew all along. And even if he's not A-OK with it, you might just agree to disagree on the topic.

Finally, assuming you know better than he does how he'll react is always a tenuous proposition. Maybe he owes a chance to prove himself in the positive sense!

Those are just some thoughts, though: there's no hurry to come out to him now or in the next few weeks. But odds of a good reaction with friends are IMO always a bit bigger than you'd estimate.

 

Hey

well, it really sounds like you are gay. That's just my opinion. I haven't ever masturbated to men (this is mostly because I plan on changing my gender and I despise my penis) but I have had sex with a woman. She was beautiful and everything and we loved eachother.

But I digress.

It seems that the important question to ask is "Would I enjoy my life more as a gay man, woman, or straight?" for me, o found my answer in the fact that I'd be happier as a girl.

You need to think, would I enjoy fooling around with a woman, or would I find love with a man? People say we don't chose to be gay and that's true, but we chose to act on these feelings. Act and take a chance or don't and continue to feel this way.

It's all in your hands my friend.

Hope you find the answer down the road,

Ian.