Hello again EC. It’s been a fair while since I was on this site- I originally joined while considering coming out- so when I got to a stage where I considered myself as out, I kind of just forgot about the forum. Anyway quite a lot has happened in the last few months in this department- my Mum found out about my sexuality and was absolutely cool about it (this made coming out to friends a complete doddle ), and now anyone who takes an interest gets told the truth. Other than the occasional insensitive or uninformed comment, everyone seems to have taken this entirely in their stride, which is great. There’s WAY too much context about the situation I currently have a problem with, but to boil it down as far as I can: basically couple of months ago, I sort of ended up going out with a guy for a couple of days. Through the entire process he was relatively unenthusiastic, which should have been a heads up, but instead I pretty much devoted my entire emotional capacity to this guy (lame I know). Having never really had a proper relationship before I got far too excited, and when it all fell apart I was completely devastated. Anyway while explaining to me why we couldn’t be together etc. He pretty much used every ‘it’s not you it’s me variation’ possible (though as I’ve heard from other people since, what he says to others is that he just plain didn’t like my personality). I’ve almost come to terms with this whole debacle- the problem now is having him exist in my life. We share most of our friends so he’s around quite a lot. He doesn’t talk to me, and I’m not even capable of looking in his direction without feeling like total crap. When he’s around I tend to get overly aggressive and mean to other people who are also in the vicinity (projection I guess). Anyway my first real attempt at ‘trying to stay friends’ was inviting him to my birthday party- rather than talk to me at this event, he spent the night bitching to other people about how he couldn’t find anyone he wants to go out with (exact words: ‘of all the billions of people in the world I can’t seem to find a single one who suits me’), which, being the top guy that he is, he said within earshot of me. Being a quite drunk at this point I spent the rest of my party upstairs crying, and one of my friends asked him to leave. We haven’t had much interaction since then, until a couple of nights ago at another party we were both invited to. Since his presence+ alcohol never make a good combination, I sort of acted... well not great. Feeling exceedingly crappy about him flirting with people at the party (he’s bi, forgot to mention) I ended up kissing a couple of girls (both of whom know I’m gay), not seriously, just... well drunkenly. Anyway since then he seems to have some vendetta against me, since he constantly makes comments about how ‘predatory I am at parties’, etc. And from what I hear from quite a few people seems to spend an inordinate amount of time bitching about me. This is coming from the guy who, while we were almost going out, warned me before we went to a party that if he started making out with people I shouldn’t be offended... I know I’ve probably made him sound awful, but he does have good points. I just wish he wasn’t so judgemental about everything I do- alot of the way I act now is entirely different to how I acted before my experiences with him- I’ve got to say I was a much nicer before all this happened, and I can’t seem to regain some of the aspects that made me a decent person. There’s a lot more to this whole thing than is just written here- this version is just about as basic as it gets, but sorry for the text mountain. Basically I don’t know what to do. Having him in my life is killing me on the inside, but avoiding him means losing everything I have. He wasn’t great at discussing feelings when we, were practically going out, any attempt to talk to him now is generally met with contempt. My friends aren’t exactly sympathetic- I agree that it has been a while now, and there wasn’t very much to it to begin with, and I wish I could move on or whatever but it’s proving impossible. I know I haven’t really formed this into a question so far (mainly because I don’t know the right question to ask), but any... well thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Here's something you need to keep in mind. When somebody says "It's not you, it's me", in essence, that's accurate. It doesn't necessarily mean a failing on your part. It means he gave the relationship a try, and hoped to form some sort of connection to you...and didn't. He probably thinks you're just fine as a friend, but he just doesn't "click" with you on any level above that. Chances are he would've LOVED to have fallen for you the way you fell for him, but the fact is - he didn't. And rather than string you along, he cut things clean. This was the right thing to do, and you can't blame him for either trying things out or ending it when things didn't work out. It sounds like you're going to need more time to get over it all. So put the distance between you. If there's going to be a party, either don't go, or don't drink. Don't play the victim of circumstance - "I couldn't help it". You can. And you should. Lex
I think your right about the 'couldn't help it' thing. I do generally go to those sort of things with a more positive attitude, I'd even say I sort of try and impress him a little (ie. I try to look my very best etc.), though this just sets me up for a bigger fall when he starts being... Well him. But yeah, I guess it's one thing to be effected by him and another to let it ruin the night. Thank you for the input.
