I honestly do not know where to begin. Ok, well here goes nothing. I am 23 years, I've pretty much come out (gay) to everyone around me since I turned 22 and get this: I am still very very uncomfortable with my sexuality. I come from an arab muslim family and growing up since I was a kid, I was your typical 'he's definitely going to grow up to be gay' young boy. I had a massive crush on John Travolta and I had a loyal My Little Pony collection. I'm not trying to be stereotypical, but it was sure obvious, and even now when I look back, I can't believe its taking me forever to admit it. Also, I came from your typical Freudian/Odepius family background- divorced parents, absent father, dominant mother, and cruel Stepfather. As I grew older, I was always berated for the way I spoke, the way I acted and of all my interest, I had liked girls from a young age, they were the majority of my friends, and as I grew older I realised it was only an aesthetic attraction- never sexual, hardly romantic. When I hit puberty, I kind of realised I was gay, I must have been about 11 and ever since then, my attraction has always been the same. Anyways when I turned thirteen, I was sexually molested by a cab driver and I told my parents, who believed I was being dramatic, and it didn't happen. And I had felt that that had happened to me because I was gay, and it was the religious-islamic God giving me that as some sort of punishment. After that I became really self-loating of myself and tried chasing after girls, i desperately in my heart did not want to be gay at all, no question about it 100%. At a few times I entertained myself with the idea of coming out, and wanting to tell my friends and such but nothing happened, and I endured. I changed everything about myself, became deeply homophobic, changed my interests completely, anything I could, but the attraction was still there. I forced myself to sleep with a few girls but for the life of me I couldn't get it up, and had to think of a guy to get through the whole time. I kissed girls, and my body never responded, and once when i kind of did, i was completely drunk. I prayed to God to change me and kept searching 'for this girl' who would change me. I turned 21 and then I met this guy, I fell completely head over heels and couldn't stop thinking about him, I became obsessed and obsessive, he was always on my mind and I'd think of the things we'd do together, not just sexually but everything else. I had always known I was gay, and always sexually thought about guys 99% of the time if I wasn't trying to change myself. I went to a gay bar, met some random guy and made out with him and then, right there and then I knew I was gay. The way he smelt, I still remember, a kiss never had felt that good. My body responded everything was perfect. I then began to come out to everyone around me, and although all my friends at first were kind of shocked, they accepted it. Then my entire family found out and I was moved away from where I was originally (europe) to a cold and darker place of the world where I still am. And then get this, I've began to suffer from what I believe to be 'hetereosexual ocd" where I doubt my sexual orientation on a daily basis, and I feel I have to remind myself I am gay. Its been a year, since I've been out. At times I feel comfortable with it, but most of the time I still don't and I have my family who constantly tell me something psychologically is wrong with me and all of that. When I started searching on the internet for an explanation on my obsessive thoughts, I came across Homosexual OCD, where straight people think there gay and check with straight porn and realise they are still straight. Well I feel that I'm gay but have some form of Homosexual OCD, where i have to constantly still check if I am gay. And then I go around and around in my head questioning everything. Its like everything in my subconciouns is telling me I'm not gay, although I am. I can see a girl and be blown away by thinking wow, she's so pretty and beautiful but I really just dont want to sleep with them. And I am only sexually attracted to men, but can't find myself being romantic with any of them. Then I think but wait maybe I'm straight, but I am not sexually attracted to woman at all, and really really find vaginas disgusting. So i ask this, what the hell is wrong with me? Its been a year, I still haven't accepted it fully. I've done everything anyone can possibly do. I've come out, fooled around with guys since I have. Its a bit obvious with me now more since I've come out and I still don't feel 100% comfortable and on a daily basis I wonder If i'm straight although I know im not sexually attracted to woman at all. And then I see a woman and I get scared I''m going to get an erection although its never happened before. Its become a vicious cycle in my head that I can't get over, and I've started taking anxiety medication because of it. I don't know if anyone's gone through this before, all I want now in my heart is be comfortable with who I am but I can't. Please someone tell me it will get easier, and let me know if there's anything I can do. At times I wonder if i struggle with ego-dystonic disorder, I honestly just don't know anymore. I wish I could be like a lot of other people who accepted it easily and moved on. Its been a year, and I just feel like I'm going to die, be alone forever, and wake up one day and realize maybe I was straight all along. I know this sounds crazy, but I truly and really need someones help.
First of all, welcome to EC! :smilewave Let me start off with a reassurance: I don't have the impression there's any real mental disorder in play here. It might take work to be entirely comfortable with who you are, but I'm sure you'll get there eventually. Some thoughts: - We're all very good at convincing ourselves that we are really straight. Many of us have more than 20 years of practice at pretending to be straight and staunchly denying all signs and feelings to the contrary. That doesn't go away just by coming out. It takes time to gradually lessen. At least it did for me. The first time a girl asked me out after coming out, I was totally confused for a day or two. Partially because I didn't know how to politely say no, but also because, on some level, I kept doubting: "what if I could make it work? It'd be so easy to just go on this date. And what if I find out I am straight after all?" Tempting thoughts, but the more I notice that flirting with girls feels like pulling a teeth out while flirting with a guy makes me grin like a fool, the less I have them. Still took me more than two years, though. - You're not mentioning the environment that you're in now. However, I'm not having the impression that it is a supportive one? A large part, to me, of becoming OK with being gay (even long after coming out), is the constant reassurance. Everytime I'm hanging out with friends, it comes up in some minor way or another, but it's absolutely clear that they don't really care whether I'm straight or gay. Same when I'm talking to my brother. I don't know what my mom thinks of it exactly, but she politely ignores it and didn't treat me any different since I came out. Contrast that to a family who's insistant on forcing you to be straight (I'm not saying brainwashing here, but it might come close), and not having your original friends around to be cool about it, and it's only normal that you're feeling the urge to fit in, to convince yourself you are who they want you to be. Good news: it does get easier over time. The more you're used to having affirmation you're gay, the easier it gets to feel more self-assured. The more you hang out with friends who don't care about you being gay, the easier it gets (and if you don't have friends in your new place, it pays to take up a hobby or two and meet more friends that way). If you meet more out and proud GLBT people (in real life, but online forums like EC can be a good substitute), the easier it gets. If you find a boyfriend, you'll have your constant reassurance right next to you in bed everyday when you wake up It just takes a bit of time. And a year is pretty short in the grander scheme of things. (*hug*)(*hug*)
Hi! Welcome to EC!!! (*hug*) I was about to write a wall of text, but Filip did a good job of beating me to that! It does get better, as time goes on. The more that you come to accept who you are, the less this cycle will repeat itself. If you're concerned that this might be an actual disorder, I'd advise you to start seeing a counselor. They are trained very well in the ways the mind works, and they will be able to help with any disorder better than those of us on this forum. (*hug*) Also, for some reason, I feel like singing a part of Gaga's Born This Way to you, but there's no way for me to do that through the internet, so I'll leave the relevant words below. "There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, 'cause He made you perfect, babe."
