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I can't think of an appropriate title for my predicament...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ceruleangir, Jun 21, 2011.

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  1. ceruleangir

    ceruleangir
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    Hello!
    So here's my problem: I want to tell my best friend that I'm gay, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I suppose that could normally be easily solved, but it gets more complicated.
    I'm desperately in love with him. Which would be kind of funny if you were to know me well, since "desperately in love" isn't really my personality type.
    Now fortunately for me, I've noticed that he exhibits some rather "gay" tendencies. I know he grew up around plenty of gay people, and he certainly doesn't have a problem with it. He's also been doing this weird thing lately where he'll date a girl for a week and then break up with her because of "irreconcilable differences."
    Even if he isn't gay, I think there's still a pretty decent chance that he's attracted to me. He's, at times, disturbingly protective of me. He actually started joking about putting me on one of those toddler leashes when we went to Disney a few months ago. There's also been a few instances where we've made plans to do something with a group of friends, and none of them could come (according to him) at the last minute so we end up doing things alone. Like going to see a movie.
    The thing that makes me sense an attraction more than anything else, is that he refuses to get closer than a foot from me. (He has a few gay friends, so even if he knows I'm gay I doubt that's it.) When he graduated last year, he gave every one of his friends (not excluding the gay ones) a hug except for me. All he did was give me this shy smile and tell me that he thought I'd feel awkward.
    Maybe I'm onto something, or maybe I'm just delusional, I don't know.
    The more pressing matter is that we have plans for tomorrow and I'm not sure if I should come out to him then, or do it today through text form to avoid any negative response. I did the latter with my other friends, but... I don't know... he's special.

    I'm sorry if this was rather long, but I didn't really want to leave out anything important... even though I'm sure I did XD
     
    #1 ceruleangir, Jun 21, 2011
  2. ShebbsIsAwesome

    ShebbsIsAwesome
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    well, I don't see the harm in coming out to him... I doubt that he would have a negative response, since he doesn't have a problem with gay people, and has gay friends and stuff. If you are confident enough, do it in person, it makes it a little more personal. (I always get outted and never really say "Im gay" to somebody just from nowhere, they either ask or somebody just says it, so I dont have to worry about nervousness.) but yeah, do it in person.
    WELCOME TO EC!! :grin:
     
    #2 ShebbsIsAwesome, Jun 21, 2011
  3. ICTOAUN

    ICTOAUN
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    id say, come out to him. leave the "im in love with you" part out of it. that can wait until you for sure know how he's going to react to your sexuality. if he reacts positively, look for some more signs of him liking you. you dont want to assume things too quickly.
     
    #3 ICTOAUN, Jun 21, 2011
  4. Bart93

    Bart93
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    I am in the SAME boat as you are man...it's frustrating falling in love with a straight guy who you think might be gay.

    It really messes with your mind to the point where you just want to jump off a cliff.
     
    #4 Bart93, Jun 22, 2011
  5. Raeil

    Raeil
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    I agree that this can be frustrating, but the two main options you have have basically been listed already. You can either 1) Come out but leave out the feelings or 2) Come out and explain you have feelings. Both choices are valid, and they have their own ups and downs. Leaving out your feelings means that you'll have to keep crushing in silence until he does something to convince you that you can either tell him or stop crushing. It could take a while, but this option allows him to not feel awkward by being around you. Telling him means that you'll be completely honest, but if he doesn't feel the same it could lead to a separation. I don't think it will, since you mention he has other gay friends, and you also get an immediate response.

    When I came out to my crush (guy I thought might be gay but turned out to be straight), I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He thought about it, and let me know that he didn't return those feelings because he was straight. Thankfully, we're still friends, even though it might be kinda awkward when we see each other as we return to school this fall.

    Either way, good luck! It's hard to deal with crushes, no matter the person they are on, so I hope this turns out well for you! :slight_smile:
     
    #5 Raeil, Jun 22, 2011
  6. dl72

    dl72
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    Do you think he may suspect you may be gay and that is why he did not hug you or come really close to you. I say that because you said he hugged everyone except his gay friends. Just a thought. I think you should come out to him. It would probably make you and him feel better.
     
    #6 dl72, Jun 22, 2011
  7. ShebbsIsAwesome

    ShebbsIsAwesome
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    He said he did also hug his gay friends, "not excluding the gay ones"
     
    #7 ShebbsIsAwesome, Jun 22, 2011
  8. Lexington

    Lexington
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    My friends and I have a running joke that absolutely everything is a sign that somebody is gay AND interested. If he stands too close, it's because he's gay and interested. If he keeps his distance, it's because he's gay and interested, and doesn't want you to figure it out. If he stands precisely the same distance away as with everybody else, it's because he's gay and interested, and he's being EXTRA-careful to make sure you don't figure it out.

    The first and obvious step is to come out to him. Sucks, but there it is.

    Lex
     
    #8 Lexington, Jun 22, 2011
  9. bookworm43

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    first, lemme just say AWWWW THATS SO ROMANIC :wink: sorry i'm a sucker for romance. second, if he's around gay ppl, than he MUST be ok with it, so that's a gigantic and uncommon plus. third, you should go for it turns out he comes out to you in return. it SOUNDS like he likes you, and you never know what might happen... :icon_bigg
     
    #9 bookworm43, Jun 22, 2011
  10. ceruleangir

    ceruleangir
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    Thanks everyone! I'll keep you posted :grin:
     
    #10 ceruleangir, Jun 22, 2011
  11. ceruleangir

    ceruleangir
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    So I told him!
    I suppose it could have gone better... he told me he thought I was about to tell him I was dying XD
    He's entirely fine with it though, he was insistent on going to do something afterward.
    He also said he wasn't at all surprised XD

    Unfortunately for me, I've come to the deduction that he's entirely straight (it's a rather awkward story XD), BUT I'm entirely happy with just being friends.
    Again, thanks for the advice everyone!
     
    #11 ceruleangir, Jun 23, 2011
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