This is going to be a long post guys. I am a 17 year old male living in Jacksonville, Florida. Within the next 6 months I will be turning 18. I am a high school senior and have decisions to make. All my academic life I have been very successful and I am in a pretty rigorous academic program and will more than likely be able to get into a good college in Florida. I am privelaged. I know I am and have always been. My father is a millionaire and will easily be able to afford to pay for whatever expenses I have going to a four year college in-state. I am in the closet. The only way for me to be out is to leave my opportunities. Let me first say that if I would go to college and my dad pays for it, which EVERYONE expects will be happening, I could not be out. My dad will have the most say so in WHATEVER I do because he doesn't want me to waste his money. Understandable. But this includes a GPS on my car, possibly people spying on me (he has hired such people before to spy on other people), and at least monthly visits/reports to his house to see that my life is going as planned. He believes that four years in college should follow a certain plan to make sure the money put into it will lead to a career that will yield lots of $$. I agree with my dad on some of his points; that you should choose a path in college that will allow a good job and that college is not place to fool around in. Now about me. I want to go to college bad, I love learning and want to be a well educated man. But I cannot live like this. I no longer want to be in the closet. I want to date guys and I want to have a relationship. I also want to live outside of where I am. I hate florida as a whole (except tampa/miami) and live / go to college in a more liberal city with a noticeable gay community. My dad says I can be whoever I want but he is also very passively controlling. If he knew I was gay it would be over. He would not tolerate it at all and would completely cut me off. He uses his money as leverage all the time. He will not fund me going to college out of state at all. He wouldn't even want me going somewhere that is farther than 3 hours away. I talked about going to FIU in Miami (many hours away) and he just ignored it. He and my mom would much rather I go to a major university that is only an hour away which is really popular but is not the right crowd/flavor for me (too sports oriented). If I opt to go to college in Florida with my dad's money I wont be happy. I know it. It will be easier to do, to have someone else foot the bill, but I cant do this anymore. I cant pretend to love someone who I really resent for not allowing me to be who I am. Its his philosophy that if I dont like what he offers me I can just take nothing or swallow my pride and deal with it. I cant stay in the closet past high school. I cant live in n. fla anymore, its too conservative and has nothing I want. Honestly, what I really WANT to do is move. Move far away and cut contact from my parents for the next 5-6 years. I want to make my own life my way. I want to live in the city of my choice and go to the college of my choice. I want to pay for it myself; work and go to school. I have been seriously considering moving to Portland, Philadelphia, or New York City (liberal cities with good public transit, I dont want to drive anymore), working hard for a year to save up money for college and establishing residency, and then going to college while working as a waiter/bartender for 4 years. In my mind, I think that this route will be the most rewarding. It will be significantly harder, longer, and possibly more volatile. But I want to do it. I want to experience what it is like being a go getter and being independent and fulfilling your dreams through your own hard work. I am realizing more and more that the only way I can live is to be free from my family that wants me to be someone I am not. I dont know though. I am confused, worried, frustrated, optimistic, scared, and excited all at the same time. Do I want too much? Am I ungrateful for what I have? I would be lying if I told you my situation is truly terrible. It has its positives. But ultimately, Im trying to what is best for me and all the facets of my life.
I dont know though. I am confused, worried, frustrated, optimistic, scared, and excited all at the same time. Do I want too much? Am I ungrateful for what I have? I would be lying if I told you my situation is truly terrible. It has its positives. But ultimately, Im trying to what is best for me and all the facets of my life.[/QUOTE] It seems as though you really know what you want to do with your life, and are just scared of making the wrong decision, which lets face it will happen alot, whether you follow your own path or your fathers path, it is a part of life. It is not easy living on your own, away from everyone you know, going to school, working and trying to figure out your orientation, believe me. but it is 100% worth it. My parents had certain expectations for me too, although mine were the opposite, they told be from the time I was 14 that there would be no college. It is awesome to be proving them wrong. Living with my roommate whos father is paying for her rent and her school and everything, it makes me appreciate the little that I have way more then she does the big things that she has. It is an amazing feeling of pride to know that you can do it all by yourself. You will not be able to live the life your father wants for longer then college anywyas, eventually you will have to be true to yourself. If you truely want to cut loose now and find a way to do it on your own, then I would suggest you do it, or you may never be able to live with yourself. You dont seem to lack appreciation for what your father is offering you, but you seem to know that deep down inside who you are you know that there is more benifit for you to move on and try life on your own, there is nothing wrong with that. All those contradicting feelings are normal, of course your confused, its going against everything that youve had planned for you, you worry because there is a lot hanging in the balance (and if you go on your own, you will never stop worrying about something isnt life great?) Just be true to you and make your decisions for you, because you have to live with you the rest of your life. good luck
Welcome to EC. You've come to the right place to deal with this kind of thing... You've depicted this situation as being very 'binary'. One or the other - nothing in between. If you're ready to come out to your parents, and feel that you'd rather do than then live under your father's thumb, then do it. But do it in a way that isn't confrontational - just honest and sincere. Tell then that you love them, that you really appreciate all of the opportunities that they have provided you with. That you appreciate the opportunities that they would continue to provide you with, but that you're not sure they will want to given the direction that you want to take your life in. I guess I'm naive in thinking that partents all love their kids unconditionally like mine do, and like I love my kids... but I think that MOST do! Good luck!
I want to point out that there are two good options for paying for college without having to rely on your Dad's support. www.thepointfoundation.org www.pridefoundation.org Both offer scholarships to gay kids. I would check into those. Now, as for your parents, please do not cut ties with them. Yes, your dad sounds very controlling but if you have your financial stuff in order and he cuts you off, then you are prepared to handle this on your own. You can't just disappear from someone's life because you are gay and don't want to face what you how you think your parents will react. It is better to face it and deal with it. You can't control how someone will react but you can control how you act. Put yourself in your parents shoes, would you want your child disappearing not knowing where they were or if they were safe? Please reconsider this.
Hi there! Welcome to EC! To me, it sounds like you've already made your choice, heh. You want to be yourself, you want to achieve your own future on your own steam. It'll be harder, yes, but difficult times will only make you a stronger person. It's so important to be true to yourself that it's worth telling your dad that you don't want his stinkin' money! Well, maybe not like that, heh, but you do need to let him know that you want to make it on your own, in your own way. It won't be easy to do, as he'll be losing his leverage/control over you, but he has to learn that you'll be an adult soon, and he can't treat you like that anymore. In any case, I wish you the best of luck in accomplishing your goals ^^
I would suggest going to your father and talking to him, man to man. Let him know that you want to go to college, that you appreciate how expensive it is and that you really do want his love and support. But you also don't want to live a lie. You don't want to sneak around behind his back. You don't want to hide things from him. Tell him that you respect his independence. Tell him that you want to be just like him in that respect. College is the ticket to that independence. Without it, you're always going to be controlled by somebody. You know- going to a Florida based college that's not overly gay friendly isn't a huge deal. The real problem is having to hide your orientation. Just go talk to him. If he can't/won't accept it and still lend his financial support- you've got all your bartending plans you can try out. If he does- then you're far more free to be yourself. But being yourself means not running from your family, not needing to flee to a "perfect" situation- but accepting that some people will accept you while others won't. You have to accept yourself regardless of whether you receive the approval of others. When you talk with your dad- try and negotiate a deal. Be honest with him over what your problems are. You save him a mint by going to an in-state college- that's going to be far easier to do than trying to save money prior to getting a good education and a good job. So don't be too demanding. Try to let him know who you are and where you're at. But he's got some say in where you go to school so respect his input. Best of luck! Tim
