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My mum's reaction confuses me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by asp3310, Jun 23, 2011.

  1. asp3310

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    Hello everyone,

    The thought of telling my parents about my true sexuality has always dreaded me, and I couldn't picture myself doing it. However, about 3 months ago my mum sort of found out that I was gay. I was meaning to tell her soon, but before I could do so she listened to me talking to a friend on the phone about a guy I was into. You see, my mum has always strongly disliked gay people (partly because she's Catholic) and many a time she asked me whether I was gay, which I denied, for I was young and was not ready to come out. I also denied because the question was always asked along with a hateful remark, such as 'Don't you ever dare do that to me, it'd kill me'. There was no answering the truth under such circumstances. I reckon that one of the reasons because of which she didn't like gay people was because she suspected I might be one of them. Due to that, she has always kept an eye on me, trying to find out whether I was. The day she heard me on the phone, she had picked the phone up without my knowing it in order to find out what I was talking about. She was always looking into my folders on the computer and my messages on the phone, after something that might 'incriminate' me. As careful as I was, I was bound to be caught one day, and that's what happened.

    Long story told short. Luckily (or not) I didn't say anything too 'gay' to my friend on the phone, so at that time my mum couldn't have known for sure. Although I knew she had listened to my chat on the phone (I noticed that the other phone was missing and that she was locked in the bathroom), I pretended I didn't know that. Obviously, she came to talk to me a few minutes after I had hung up. She was very angry and asked me whether I had something to tell her. Aware of the fact that I had no way out (even though she hadn't told me that she had heard me), I told her the truth. I also told my father a few minutes after that, because I thought he'd be more understanding than her and would help her. Oh, boy, was I ever wrong. They took it really bad. I knew they would be mad, but I had never thought it'd be so bad. Especially my dad, because he has always been very open-minded.

    I didn't tell them, though, that I was dating someone, they would have gotten much, much angrier, and they would most certainly forbid me to see him ever again. My parents are the type of people who think that gay people are only interested in sex and would have it with anyone who is of the same gender. You see, although I'm 18, I have only got involved with about 5 boys in my entire life, for I don't like meaningless affairs. But this boy I'm dating... man, he's the most amazing guy in the whole universe! I'm so in love with him, and he's so in love with me that it's hard to describe our feelings towards each other. Because of that, I'm sure I wouldn't give him up because of my parents' prejudice, for I would only hurt myself because of their ignorance and I would probably never find anyone like my boyfriend again, which would lead me to become an old, lonely, regretful man. They asked me not to go out with any boy, because 'they were going to get me cured'. I have always read a lot about homosexuality - books, articles, alternative bible interpretations, etc. - and watched several documentaries about it, so I was quite ready to argue back to my parents as to why it isn't unnatural, sinful, etc. In the beginning I didn't say too much to defend myself, for I knew it was really hard for them and they needed time to understand it. However, as time went by, I started trying to show them my side.

    My parents asked me some time so they can 'get used to it'. I know it's not easy for them, it must hurt a lot, so I gave them some time. But instead of trying to study about homosexuality or talk to specialists, they are just nourishing the hatred inside them. They are doing nothing to understand my side. They asked me a while, but I know that this 'while' is going to last forever if I don't do anything about it. I gave them some videos and texts to watch and read so it would help them understand, but they refused to use them. I encouraged them to ask people about it, even the ones who are against it, so they can come up with their own opinion about homosexuality, not the church's. They say they're hurting, but they don't realise I'm hurting too!! They think it's easy for me and that they are the only ones who are suffering with all this. My mum's worried about what people are going to think of us, but I don't care about what other people say, I'm only concerned about my parents' opinion. Since I told them the truth, they have said the most horrible things to me, such as 'This is going to kill me and it's your fault', 'It's like someone has grabbed my heart, crushed it and pulled it, ripping my chest' and 'I have never felt such sadness, even when my mum died'.

    As weird as it sounds, I guess my father is scared because of his own feelings.I think my father might have homosexual feelings as well and has never coped with them. I don't know whether it was just a phase or something, but he told me that when he was young he had feelings like I do but got ride of them by not thinking of them. He thinks I can achieve the same if I do like him - if I have faith in God, supposedly - but I know I can't. I can't deny my identity. So I reckon that he might think 'I myself have never given in to such dreadful feelings, so why should I allow him to be weak and give in to them?'. I don't know whether this is just speculation. But if I'm right, how can I convince him that there's no changing my sexuality? I find it hard to believe that he's gonna ever accept me.

    God, there's so much to say, and I can't seem to put it all into words here. I'm just very confused and hurt. My mum came to me today and said she feels I'm going out with someone and she's forbidding me to go pretty much anywhere. I don't know what to do anymore. As much as I love my parents, I think I may move out, for I can't take it anymore. I know it'd be really bad for my studies and all, but I have to preserve my dignity. I wanted to show them the truth about homosexuality, but that means going against everything they have been taught their entire life, and they're not willing to believe me or understand it. They do not understand that the Church is not as saint as they think.

    I'm really hurt... does anyone have any suggestions on what I could do? Please? I'm desperate and need help. :icon_sad:

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2011 at 09:04 AM ----------

    Also, I apologise for my lenghty post. I now realise it looks frighteningly long. :eusa_doh:
     
  2. ceruleangir

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    Wow. This is actually kind of how I see my parents taking the news when I tell them XD
    Fortunately, my sister came out a few years ago, and they're TOLERANT now. Not accepting, but tolerant. So I have a chance.
    My mom's VERY Catholic and my dad's just ignorant.
    AND THE WHOLE SEARCHING YOUR COMPUTER THING SERIOUSLY GETS OLD!
    If you haven't guessed already, I really can't give you much advice. I just had to tell you that you're definitely not alone after reading your story.
    The plus is that it sounds like you have a boyfriend who cares for you a lot.
    The negative is that some people are just so consumed in their hatred and fear of homosexuality that it may even surpass the love of a son.
    I say keep trying, and make it very clear that you won't change simply because your parents want it of you.
     
  3. bookworm43

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    i'm not sure how to convince your parents that being gay isn't wrong, but i do know that no one needs that kind of hate piled on to them everyday. and like the person above me said, it sounds like you have a boyfriend who really loves you :slight_smile: maybe just give your parents time you know and let them cool off, they'll be more ok with it. i wish you all the best!!
     
  4. Raeil

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    Well, I have good news for you, it will get better eventually. Reading about your mother and father's reactions actually fit really well on the grief period. When parents find out that their child does not match the image they have of them, they experience a loss of that image, which causes grief. Here's a link from our Resources section which explains it a little more:

    Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief

    From what you've described, it looks like your Mom is in Stage 2 (Anger) and your Dad is in Stage 3 (Bargaining) tinged with a little of Stage 1 (Denial) since it's so soon after they've found out. Now that I've talked about that, I'll address a few other things you seem to be concerned about.

    "They asked me not to go out with any boy..." - Yeah, you can ignore this. I would advise you to explain to your boyfriend that you might need to keep communication to a minimum for a while so that your parents don't get the idea. Normally, I'm against ignoring parents, but in cases like this I say go ahead and ignore them while being responsible.

    "..., because they were going to get me cured." - This is dangerous. I can't tell if they've gotten past this or not, but it's important to understand the dangers behind attempting to "treat" homosexuality (or bisexuality). These kinds of attempts can severely damage your mental health. So, if they try anything such as an ex-gay ministry or a "Christian psychologist" refuse it. Explain that they could severely damage your health, but refuse to see a psychologist who will try to turn you away from your sexuality.

    Your parents seem to be taking an active interest in preventing you from being you, so I would advise you at some point to sit them down and ask them their reasons for their behavior. If you are prepared with the right knowledge (Biblical reasons that being gay is not wrong, proof that LGBT individuals are as normal as everyone else, etc) you can probably show them that they are mistaken in their views. That could work.

    Also, you might just want to sit them down and tell them how much you are hurting now (and have hurt over the past years) because of their reactions. If you explain that you understand the pain they are going through, you might get some of their sympathy. Actually, you could also use this particular strategy to explain that a part of the reason you're hurting is that they haven't even attempted to understand you through the materials you've provided them. You've taken several measures in order to make this difficult coming out process as easy as it can be, and they haven't been cooperating.

    Finally, if it gets to a point that you can't stand their actions, you need to get away. It doesn't matter if it's for a short time or for a long time, you'll need to give them breathing room and yourself a non-antagonistic atmosphere. I know the idea of leaving the home is not a fun one to entertain, but in the end you have to do what is best for you, not best for your parents. They will hopefully come to grips with reality soon, but if not, be prepared to make a shift.

    All in all, good luck with this situation. (*hug*) We're here for you, and if you can't get a hold of your boyfriend to talk this stuff out, we'll be happy to help! :slight_smile:
     
  5. bichristian

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    I know what your feeling, im only out to one person right now witch is ironicly my ex-girlfriend, and im prety sure that my dad and granma will be accepting and some of my moms side might be but my mom married a minister and im not sure how their going to react if and when i come out to them, but if they have any problems with it then i wanna show them this website that i have been looking at and reading for a while, Whosoever Magazine and on the specific page i have linked to it says
    "Our Beliefs
    1. We believe that:

    'For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him. He (She) who believes in him is not condemned; he who does not believe is condemned already because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.' --John 3:16-18"
    "whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life."

    it does NOT say "whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life, oh except for lezbian, gay, or bi, people, because you dont count and god hates you"

    and i also seen a clip when ellen degeneris was doing standup comedy and here is the clip:
    YouTube - ‪Ellen Degeneres-TheBeginning-Part 6‬‏
    fast forward to around the 7:20 mark and she talks about meeting god and i found humor in it and it also made me feel like im not alone, because i am gay and im christian and i still bileive and love god, even tho im gay, hope things work out with your situation