So here’s what’s up. I grew up in a Christian home, was chaplain of my class for 2 years, did door to door evangelism one summer as a teenager, and was actually chaplain of my Christian high school my senior year. A few months ago I realized I wanted to have sex with a guy. I don’t have a problem with that. In fact quite the opposite, it felt kind of exciting to admit it too myself, and I felt kind of kinky thinking it. Even before I realized I might like to try a guy I had had a few sexual fantasies about guys, and a few where I had a boyfriend. This is where the trouble started. I keep wondering if I’m almost pushing myself in that direction because I can’t see myself being happy with a women. I think girls are pretty, especially boobs, although I realized recently I think vaginas are kind of gross looking. I’m 24 and have been with 3 women. My first time was when I was 19 and I remember thinking that I didn’t want what I had with that girl to last, but I didn’t want it to end, and whenever I was around her I didn’t feel right unless I was touching her, and I defiantly pushed things forward physically, but my last girlfriend a few years really bored me. I can still remember this one long make out session we had, that I only really enjoyed because of how into it she got. I remember complaining to a friend that all she wanted to do was have sex. I wanted to hold her and watch movies or talk. Sometimes I day dream about having a boyfriend, and some times it seems right but I’m not really sure. The thing is I am not like other stories I read about. When I was younger I had an easy time fantasizing about girls, and I noticed a guy’s chest once or twice and once quickly shut some gay porn I accidently found on the internet and told myself that all guys are a little curious, but nothing like other stories of gays in denial that you might read about. When I was in puberty though I didn’t have all the tumultuous sexual feelings other people report, and every since I thought I might like guys I have been masturbating like crazy. My dick kind of hurts. I really need to stop rubbing it. As you can see, I am pretty confused, and getting frustrated with it. I’m not sure how I feel about girls or guys at this point, I have thought myself around in dizzy circles. I’m not sure how much of anything I used to feel means anyways, if you read the second sentence of this post you’ll know that I was a pretty crazy sexually repressed and overprotected teenager. I am thinking about going to a gay bar and looking for someone to experiment with, but I want to lose a little more weight dieting to get some confidence. And second to the unwritten “What The F!!!” question under this whole spiel, would a gay guy even be interested in me if I was honest about what’s up with me.
