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Very confused and dont know what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bn79375, Jun 23, 2011.

  1. bn79375

    bn79375 Guest

    Well I consider myself straight but curious but I am just very confused about it all. I love girls and always have but have never been in a relationship so my friends and coworkers keep asking me if im gay and every time they ask me I get all nervous and and feel like im going to get sick. I know im not 100% straight and I hate lying so whenever they ask and I tell them im straight I freak out and get all nervous. I guess what im trying to say is that I think I may have outed myself to these people and im not even gay (not that I have a problem with it im just not gay) and now I just dont know what to do. Im thinking about quitting my job so I dont have to be around these people all the time but I just dont know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated.
     
  2. Raeil

    Full Member

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    If they're not treating you any differently, is there reason to leave? I mean, there may be some incorrect perceptions, but as long as you can still be you then there shouldn't be a problem, right? They'll either figure out that you're pretty much straight eventually, or they'll be confused for the rest of the time you work there, and as long as you don't care, there won't be any problems.

    However, if it's gotten to a point where you're being identified as the gay guy or being harassed for it, you should probably correct the false suspicions. If you don't think that would be effective, that's when you should think about filing a report with HR or switching to a new job.

    I hope that helped! Welcome to EC, BTW! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi, and welcome to EC! It's great that you've found us, and even better that you feel comfortable enough to talk about the situation.

    I'm going to go into some territory that might be a little bit uncomfortable for you but I think it might be helpful to you in figuring out where you are with things.

    The first thing I'm noticing is there seems to be a fairly strong emotional charge for you in thinking about being gay (or not gay.) If it genuinely didn't matter to you whether you're gay or not, then it also probably wouldn't be a big deal if your coworkers thought you were gay, as you'd realize that it doesn't matter if you are or not. Additionally, it seems like there's a big emotional charge associated with saying you're straight because you know you aren't... but at the same time, you seem to be strongly denying you're gay. So it sounds like there's some internal wrestling going on with what, exactly, you are, in terms of your sexual orientation.

    So here are some thoughts that might help:

    My first question is, are you sure that the only reason your friends are asking if you're gay is because of your lack of relationships? There are lots of people who are single and always have been but no one questions whether they're gay. And there are a lot of gay guys who, before they come out, are in such strong denial that they can't even see the signs within themselves, even when everyone else can. I'm not saying that's the case, but I am wondering if maybe there might be something in the way you act that's making people think that.

    My next questions... if you know you aren't straight, then you're likely somewhere on the continuum (along with about 90% of the population.) So where are you on it? I know you said you really love girls, but one important question to ask yourself is, *how* do you love them? Do you love spending time with them as friends, or do you fantasize about how beautiful they are and dream of having sex with them? When you're walking down the street, do hot girls catch your eye, or is it more guys? When you watch porn, do you watch straight or gay porn? If straight, are you looking at the guys or the girls? When you masturbate, do you think about guys or girls? All of those questions help you get a better idea of where your real orientation lies.

    Finally, I'll mention the "stages of loss." Whenever anyone confronts any sort of loss -- in this case, the loss of your identity as "straight" -- there are stages that one goes through. The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So it's possible that you *are* gay (or closer to gay) but not ready to accept that, and that's why you have such strong feelings about being identified that way. It's also possible you're mostly straight, but a little bi, and just scared that you're gay... even though you say it woudln't matter if you were. But the answers to the above questions can help you better understand, and perhaps help you move on in the stages of loss and better handle whatever your true orientation is.

    I think if you think honestly about the above questions and answer them (either for yourself, or, if you feel comfortable doing so, in this thread) it will give you a much clearer picture, and probably also help you understand why you're so upset about the current situation... and perhaps give you some insight as to what you should do.

    Please update us as you feel comfortable doing so, and if you'd rather talk more privately, feel free to message me or any of the advisor team and we'll be happy to try and help.