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Homophobic friends?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by The Dudeh, Jun 24, 2011.

  1. The Dudeh

    The Dudeh Guest

    So yeah I'm still pretty much in the closet - the only friends I've told are accepting female ones.

    The majority of my male friends are homophobic. Sometimes it's just "oh you're gay." as an insult but occasionally it's stuff like "oh gay people are disgusting, it's unnatural, men kissing is disgusting etc."

    I'd like to come out, but I know if I did I'd lose these people as my friends because they'd feel uncomfortable around me. PE changing rooms would be hell.

    I don't really know what my question here is but does anyone have any advice? :help:
     
  2. Foxywolf

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    Well if you KNOW they would be homophobic then you might not want to come out to them. At least not yet. I'd say test the waters with them a bit more. Maybe talk about a gay kid at school and see if you could somehow convince them that gay people aren't unnatural or disgusting.
    If you KNOW you will loose them as friends then I'd say just don't come out to them. If you enjoy their friendship that's the only way to do it.
     
  3. The reality is, coming out to people who obviously hate gays that much is likely not going to go well for you and might even become unsafe.

    But Foxywolf might be onto something. Is there any way you could speak out against that kind of talk and just let them know that you won't tolerate it? That could possibly work, but they're your friends, you'd know better than I would. But if you could get them to tone down the hate speech then maybe it would make it a nicer place for you to be, even if you don't end up coming out to them directly.
     
  4. sickoflimbo

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    I don't know about England's social attitude too much, though I do love some of your television shows ("Peep Show" on channel 4, and "The Inbetweeners").

    On topic again :slight_smile:. In the U.S., especially at age 15, that type of attitude is very common. Some of those statements might be genuine, however, some if not most might be just trying to fit in with the group, and prove they aren't gay. I think even straight teenagers are all learning about their sexuality, and especially guys want to make it known that they aren't gay. It doesn't make it right, but it's the way it is.

    Maybe try throwing things out that you can still back out of, and don't even say that you're gay, such as responding to those statements with something such as, "that's not cool to say, man." Or "who cares if someones gay?" That way if they act negatively, and ask if you're gay or something, you can back out of it by saying "no, but gay people don't bother me." Or "if they bother you so much, you must be a bit confused yourself." Turn it around on them. Guys talk shit, and you can too.

    Don't necessarily say those things, they could end up bad. It's just a thought as to a way to try to test the waters, and see the reaction. I've definitely done that, but I'm considerably older than you, and attitudes do change with age. At 15, teens can be cruel, and it's generally based out of a need to fit in, and their own insecurity.

    I am still confused and closeted myself, so don't use my input without other opinions. I'm not exactly so experienced myself with coming out at all. To echo what others have said, it might not be the right time to come out to THEM. You are right about the PE changing rooms. That could really be a problem, in fact, it likely would be. That is definitely a reason that it might be best to just wait a bit. I don't want to push you in one direction or another, that is up to you. I feel for you though. Good luck.
     
    #4 sickoflimbo, Jun 24, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2011
  5. Robert

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    I have homophobic friends too.

    I do plan on telling everyone at one stage so I'm just going to roll with it. I do like them and I want to remain their friend but I'm just fed up with having to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

    I wouldnt say anything in school. Right now, school is your whole world. If you fuck that up, you've fucked yourself until you finish. You have one year left or something? Wait until you are in college (dont go to a sixth form)- in my experience people are much more accepting there.
     
  6. Lexington

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    First off - don't forget you're 15. You're smack dab in the middle of "what does everybody think of me" land. It starts easing up a BIT from here on out, but it probably won't be until 18 or so that it really starts going away. As such, people your age are far more likely to say things out of fear. When they say "gay people are disgusting", chances are great that they're actually saying "I'm terrified of being lumped in with a group of people you might find unacceptable, and so I'll say something to make it clear I'm not in that group. Oh, and maybe you'll think I'm cool for saying it, too." Or, to put it short and in American, "no homo". :slight_smile:

    What can you do? Well, feel free to call them on it. You can keep it impersonal. You can say "I know a couple gay people, and they're pretty cool, actually". Or you can just wave it off as insecure teenagers being insecure teenagers. You know that feeling you get that made you post that? That's the same feeling that caused them to say it in the first place. Not that they're gay necessarily, but the fear of being unaccepted.

    Lex
     
  7. thomasJ722

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    Option: You could grow new relationships with more accepting friends and come out to them.
     
  8. Lebowski45

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    Hey there. I sympathise with your situation. I don't really know if I can offer great advice because I came out a lot later than you, at fifteen I didn't even know I was gay.

    However, like you, I have many straight male friends. In fact, practically all of my closest friends are straight guys. I had the exact same worries as you, either they'd reject me or, even if they didn't, they'd be uncomfortable around me and I'd effectively lose them. Some would say seemingly homophobic things, either directly or through indirectly saying things like "that's gay", or whatever. Every time I heard the use of these phrases from people who I really liked as friends killed me a little inside. It's hard having to hear that and I understand how difficult it is. And yet I told all these people and not only did they all fully accept me (and I'm treated no differently from when before I came out) they quit using these words. Some have actually told me that when they used these words they weren't being malicious, but they were just used to saying it. They didn't realise how harmful these words were.

    I need to stress however that my friends were all about 20/21 when I told them, and therefore more mature and knowledgable on the subject. As you get older you don't see everything in black and white, and as you experience more of life you become less ignorant about things, and you don't really care about how others perceive you. I can't predict how fifteen year olds will react, I guess that's something you will have to judge. Perhaps you could wait a little longer before bringing it up, or try subtly get people's real views on the subject out by bringing up the news, or a famous gay person or something. People can surprise you, especially if there isn't a crowd where they don't feel pressurised into taking the "safe" view. Are your female friends also friends of your male ones? Its great that they are accepting because you know that whatever happens you'll always have them. Maybe they could help you out, they would no doubt be able to be supportive of any friends that struggle to accept it. Homophobia is - in the majority of cases - based on ignorance, if others were able to help your other friends understand, I'm sure that in the end it would work out fine. Friendships that are strong are generally very difficult to break.

    I'm sorry I don't have any clear advice. I sincerely hope it works out for you. Believe me, whatever you do decide to do, things get much better when you grow up! School can be quite a harsh place for anyone, never mind having to deal with a non-straight sexuality as well. I hated adolescence but, as most people do, you get through it, and you're generally a lot happier at the end of it. All the best :slight_smile:
     
  9. dumbblondedoe

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    Well in my opinion a true friend would stan behind you no matter what. If they disown you jsut because of who you are attracted to then they are not true friends at all. In order to be actually happy in life you have to be yourself. You have to surround yourself with people who accept you for who you truely are, not who you are expected to be.
     
  10. HantsBen

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    If they are your close male friends you may see a different side to them if you come out as reality hits them when they have a person close to them come out however it can also totally backfire on you. I'm going to go along with what Foxywolf and Lex has said and try and talk about the subject a bit more by referring to a gay kid in school or something, dont make it to obvious though :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
    #10 HantsBen, Jun 26, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2011
  11. The Big Boy

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    I came here looking for help, just like you did. I first discovered my sexuality when I was around your age(maybe a little older), and I can tell you, the hardest possible thing is telling a homophobic friend or family member. I still haven't told my grandparents(strictly Christian folk), and I was contemplating telling my best friend about it. He, as far as I know, isn't homophobic, but he uses 'faggot', 'queer', 'gay', and the like to express someone he doesn't like, so I have been uncertain on how to deal with this situation. I'll most certainly try these tactics with him, the next time I see him. As for you, I can only offer my full support, as with everyone else here. I hope everything works out for you, friend (*hug*)
     
  12. UndercoverGypsy

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    Many of my friends are decently homophobic, partially I think because so many of the kids I've met since moving to Canada are sheltered suburban kids who've never met a gay guy in their lives. When I do come out to them (planning on the last day of this school year), they can decide whether they want to hang out. If not, fuck 'em. Simple as that!