Nothing is getting better

Listen to me. Two years ago, i tied a piece of rope around my neck to try to end it, just like you want to do. My dad found me before it was too late, and i lived. A few months ago, i had to stop cutting myself, because i was so scared that someone would see and i my parents would send me away to some mental hospital somewhere. i gave it up, even though it was one of the most important things in my life to me, even though it made me feel better, on top of the world, even. Just like you quitting your drugs and drinking. I still miss it, but i can't continue, otherwise i'll fall into that rut again. But let me tell you something. If i had succeeded in killing myself that day like i had planned, i would have missed SO much. For example, i would have missed meeting people who really cared about me. i would have missed the great satisfaction i get from accompishing my goals, like FINALLY getting the hell out of middle school. i would have missed the hope that i feel now, that maybe, one day, maybe not soon, that life will be awesome even. This hope feels SO GOOD. and i would have missed it. please don't finish yourself. you will miss SO MUCH. so don't live for your family, for your friends, to be selfless- live for you.

 

I know, it sounded like bullshit to me at first, but i HAVE to keep believing it, because like most suicidal people i meet, i doubt myself, a lot. and what i'm most doubtful about is, what if i'm wrong? what if it really does get better, and i miss it? so i don't know for sure either, but i know that i have to take it one day at a time and look for the good little things. also, changes of pace helps; move to a new state, get a dog, join a club, ANYTHING. change is good, and from change comes the opportunities that allow life to get better. we just have to wait. if things don't get better in one year, wait 5, than wait 10- because you never know what's coming next. it seems like a pretty useless philosiphy, but what's better? rotting in the ground somewhere, or breathing fresh air everyday, feeling the sun, swimming, ANYTHING?

 

Hey there .... i am sorry this is hard for you but i just wanna let you know things take time , time heals all wounds . For me things are just now getting better slowly but surely and i want to let you know it will for you to you just need to wait . You could benifit from some medication i bet , and that may not be a possibility for you right now but you need to see this through and keep on fighting . for me i spent 5th grade to 9th grade drunk , high , and bleeding . I was cutting daily , drunk every third day , and high every fourth . Things progress slowly , each step you take makes you stronger . Please hang in there and just know i am hoping the best for you and i know things , over time , will get better . Please post as many more times as necessary rather than harm yourself . Just know we are here for you . I may take on week it may take on day may take a hour or maybe a month or longer but know it will get better .

 

It will get better if you make it get better. Only you can make changes to improve things.It is not about what other people want, but what you want. Please fight to improve your life and yourself. Things will get better, you just need to want it and go get it. Don't, don't give up. You are too young to give up.

 

did you graduate college? if not, go to school, any school, even a community college. you'll learn the skills you need to know to get any job and you can get money and move! what are you waiting for? i know i am young and don't know much about the world, but i know that there is always a chance to do something; you just have to do it.

 

Exactly. Go out and get it. The thing is if you want something you have to go get it. And if you don't get it, go after it again. You have to keep fighting and keep going after what you want. I know it is not easy, but it is possible. Also have to believe in yourself.

 

look around you. there are people just like you who have been in just as bad and worse situations as you, but they're still here. they worked harder or they got a lucky break. life happened. things change, constantly. if you off yourself in a bad moment (or period), you could be ending it RIGHT BEFORE a good one. just keep waiting, keep yourself alive, something good will swing your way one day. may it be some money, your future love, new gay rights, it could be anything. just keep waiting, and i know that sounds impossible, but it is. other people on this site will tell you that.

 

Suicide is never an option. You can't say that you don't have a destination. We all have one and more often than not, we don't know where or what that destination is. We go through what we have to in life to see what the hell that destination is. You're only 19 years old. You have so much time ahead of you to experience many more things. I can promise you that not everything will be all bad. There will be hardships, but you will experience MANY MORE wonderful things too whether it's big or small. We can all tell that you are in a dark place right now. We can all empathize with you. You have to keep moving on because you don't know what will happen tommorrow. You have to be here to know what happens. It might feel lonely on your end because you have no one to talk to in person about all this. This may be an online forum but behind every username here at EC, is a real person. Every PERSON who has posted or responded to your threads genuinely care about you and want to help you and feels for you through your words. You really are not alone. Keep pouring your heart out on here if there's no one you can talk to right now. We will listen to you. You just cannot kill yourself.

 

Listen to me: You are a human being. You are as valuable, as worthy, and as deserving of life as every single other human being on the planet. There are people who care for you and there are people you care about, even if you cannot see it right now. You are important. I know it's awful right now. I'm not going to try to deny it or understate it. This fucking sucks. It's completely inexcusable. BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE IT TIME. YOU ARE NOT OUT OF OPTIONS! Next time you feel like you want to kill yourself, come here and, like Skiel said, pour your heart out. We're here to listen. And after you've done that, and I'm serious about this, go to omegle.com or something like it and just start talking to someone. About anything. Soccer. Geography. The Solar System. Seriously, anything. Get your mind somewhere else. You have made it this far, I know you are strong enough to get through this!
As far as college, it is absolutely an option. It's clearly been hard for you, but you can't let yourself think you've run out of options. Call (don't email, call - it's more personal) the financial aid or admissions office of a school and try explaining your situation again. It can never hurt to talk to as many people as possible. Chances are someone will be able to help you. YOU HAVE GOT TO KEEP TRYING! Even if the hope of that next phone call is all that's keeping you going, you have got to do it! If nothing else, it will keep you occupied.
I really, truly believe that human life is sustainable because we keep ourselves occupied. If you can't a job right now, do something, anything until you can. Even if it's just walking around outside. Try so hard to make some new relationships.
It all seems like way too much, I'm sure. I don't know what you're feeling and I won't pretend to, but I can tell you with complete 100% certainty that we are here for you, period. You are definitively NOT ALONE. Stay with us!

 

why don't you leave . You may not have a job but i bet you could find somewhere to stay til you get on your feet ..... you may not be able to get a job but you could always do something , mow lawns , clean houses , clean pools . you may not get much money but you can hide it and save it for a place times like this go to sit in a hotel or something . YOU NEED TO CALL A HELPLINE trevor is what i reccomend . this is a message from a website i go to
The Trevor Lifeline
866-4-U-Trevor
Our trained counselors are ready 24/7 to talk to you. If you’re a young person looking for someone to listen and understand without judgment or if you’re feeling suicidal, please call The Trevor Lifeline now at 866-488-7386 . It’s free and confidential. There is hope, there is help. [U.S. CALLS ONLY]

TrevorChat
TrevorChat is a free, confidential and secure online messaging service that provides live help through TheTrevorProject.org. TrevorChat is only intended to assist those who are not at risk for suicide.
Hours of Operation: Fridays between 1:00 PM Pacific (4:00 PM Eastern) and 9:00 PM Pacific (12:00 AM Eastern)

Dear Trevor
"Dear Trevor" is a non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

Warning Signs:
•Increased Isolation – From family and friends
•Alcohol or Drug Use Increases
•Expression of negative attitude toward self
•Expression of hopelessness or helplessness
•Change in Regular Behavior
•Loss of interest in usual activities
•Giving away valued possessions
•Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. "It won't matter soon anyway")
•Expressing Suicidal Feelings
•Signs of Depression
•Describes a Specific Plan for Suicide
•History of Suicide in the Family
•A person who has been extremely depressed in the past may be at an increased risk for suicide if the depression begins to cease, as they may now have the psychological energy to follow through on a suicidal ideation.
If you or someone you care about displays any of these warning signs, please do not hesitate to call The Trevor Lifeline at: 866-4-U-TREVOR ( 866-488-7386 ) to speak with a trained volunteer counselor.

 

I really recommend you to get professional help and go to your doctor. The doctor can refer you to an psychologist or counsellor. Also you would need medication.

Well do what you could do to continue your education. Or have you tried every avenue of trying to get an job? What about the army?

 

The one thing that sticks out about your post is the job situation. Being unemployed sucks - no question. But one's self-worth should never be measured by one's paycheck. You don't cease being a good, interesting or even worthwhile human being because you're not getting paid every Friday. It's true that being without a job can damage one's self-esteem, and getting hired can be a real boost to same. But the two shouldn't ever be inexorably tied.

You've gotten some good advice in this thread, but I'd like to suggest one other thing to try.

Volunteer.

You say you've got "constant motion" but "no destination". I'd alter that a bit to "constant motion" but "no direction". (If you had a destination, what would you do when you reached it?) So give it a direction. Do something positive. Think about what sort of non-profit-type places you'd like to support, and go support them. It doesn't matter if it's an animal shelter, or a gay rights group, or teaching people how to read. If it interests you, go do it. I know you said "I've been selfless for enough of my life, I deserve to be selfish for my own personal gain at least once", but 1. it doesn't look like the selfish route is helping you much right now, and 2. you won't be volunteering completely out of altruistic reasons. (Most people don't, truth told.) You'll be getting at least two things out of it.

1. A purpose. Volunteering gives you a reason to get up in the morning. Those puppies need you. That phone won't man itself. That guy needs his reading lesson. And they're all relying on YOU to get that done. Sometimes, even that can be quite a boost to the self-esteem.

2. A resume builder. Nothing impresses would-be employers like initiative. It says "Rather than sit around and work on my XBox skills, I decided to take advantage of my free time to try to accomplish something positive."

You may need to look at several places to find a good place to volunteer. The one you might think is the best fit for you might not need volunteers right now - it happens. Keep looking. You might end up volunteering at more than one place - that's cool. But give it a go.

>>>I can't believe in "keep on trucking and things will work out" because that's not how fucking life works.

My experience tells me it is how fucking life works. I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you yet, but I'd implore you to keep at it. Because life isn't the destination - it's the journey. And you've apparently got some distance to go yet. Perhaps we can help you along.

Lex

 

There are pros of joining the army. here is an list of posibilities:
The teamwork, travel opportunities, job stability....you can't get the experience anywhere else. The medical coverage is great and the retirement benefits are outstanding. You can also get nearly $40,000 for college just by working with the Army for three years.

Anyway gays are now allowed to serve in the armed forces too.

If I were in your situation I would do it. Its up to you. Yes there are cons to it however at least you would have an stabilised job. I have known people in the army and they did learn an trade there and once they left it they had good trade skills such as an electrician and an carpenter.

Lex is also right about volunteer work. At least it will get you to do something and keep you active. The depression is due to you being inactive.

 

I can't really say many things different than what people said, but I do want to note two things..

1) A lot more teen-agers and young adults become suicidal than adults. There are things around us that push us in a rut, but physiological things too, which significantly go away when our brains are more grown up, and the growing part tapers off at about 26 for guys I think. That might be why it hasn't gotten better faster yet.

2) If you hurt yourself, someone, somewhere would be affected not only by your loss, but by the fact of suicide. I know I wouldn't have fallen into such a deep rut and tried to do it if my friend didn't kill himself. You'd put others in the same rut you're in.

 

The army is a really really good idea. If the only thing keeping you from that kind of lifelong stability is that you don't agree with what they're doing, well... that doesn't seem like a very strong reason to me. I totally get not agreeing with them, but trust me, there are tons and tons if people in the army who disagree with it. A friend of mine from middle school is a hardcore pacifist who talks all the time about how much she disagrees with the war, and she's about to reenlist to get money for college. You keep saying life doesn't give you any possibilities and that you've tried everything, but The fact is it does and you haven't. I know this isn't what you most want to hear, but it's true. I'm sure you have tried a lot of these things, but that doesn't mean none of them are going to work. Lexington is right, you may not think so right now, but life does give you options. Always. That's a constant. Some of them (like the army) might not seem very desirable, but sometimes you just need to fake a good attitude, force a smile, swallow your pride, and get through it. That's as much a part of life as anything else.

I'm going to echo the statement about calling a help line. You need to do that, even if you have before. These are people who are trained to help get you through times like this.