Hi all, I came out to my best friend in Oct/Nov of last year, cant remember when exactly, but she seemed to be ok with it. We were out in the pub on Thursday and she started saying all this stuff. Like about how I decided to be gay, how if she set me up with her guy friend I would decide to be straight and how people arent born gay. I tried to tell her that people are born gay and dont have a choice in the matter. She says that the people who say that are wrong because I used to be straight. She thinks this because before I came out to her I told her a couple of times that I liked her brother (obviously I didnt, I just needed an answer when she asked me if there were any guys that I liked.) I have told her why I said that I liked him but she doesnt seem to understand. She's sure I used to be in love with him. :bang: Then we talked about her birthday party. She told me not to tell anyone there that Im gay. Im not really sure why, I think shes embarrased about having a gay friend. She's not trying to hurt me when she says this stuff but it does hurt. Any advice?
I'd say a long-ish e-mail might be in the works. An e-mail would work well in this case, because you want the time and space to explain your thoughts without being interrupted. Your goal - patiently explain your position and feelings, all without getting accusatory or overly emotional. Points to make: >>>"I decided to be gay...people arent born gay." Explain briefly how you became aware of your sexuality. Then point out that you didn't "decide" to gay - you decided to let the world know what you discovered - that you're gay. I'd personally state that "I'm pretty well convinced that people ARE born gay, and it seems that most research seems to back that up." >>>"...if she set me up with her guy friend I would decide to be straight..." If she set you up with her guy friend, her guy friend would find out that you're gay. And nothing else would result from it. People don't become gay (or "decide they're gay") because they can't get a date. And if the cure for gay was "dating somebody attractive of the opposite gender", they could cure homosexuality in a week. It simply doesn't work that way. >>>"She says that the people who say that are wrong because I used to be straight." The thing is - nearly everybody assumes they're straight when they're growing up. We may be born gay, but it's not like the label comes printed on the soles of our feet. It's something we end up finding out about ourselves. For some of us, we find out right away - "oh, I actually like girls, so I guess I'm gay". For others, it takes time to figure this out. We might think "Well, I guess this guy is pretty attractive. Maybe I could date him a while and wait for something to develop." And it's only after a time of "nothing much happening" that we come to the realization that it's the same sex that turns us on. >>>"Then we talked about her birthday party. She told me not to tell anyone there that Im gay." Let her know you're still working on the coming-out process. There may be some people at the party that know, and others that don't. And you certainly aren't interested in turning her birthday party into a coming-out party for you. But if somebody tells you "I heard you're gay", you're not going to deny it. Lex
i agree with lex, totally. you just need to tell this friend how you feel, and let her know she's hurting you. if she's a real friend, than she's feel bad about hurting your feelings, and would stop. best of luck!
Thanks for your replies. Yea, I should talk to her again. Its just frustrating that she thinks like that.
I kind of know how you feel. I told my best friend I was bi, and she seemed cool with it, but when I bring it up around other people, she acts all mad and upset and says I'm just joking, then starts making out with her boyfriend. You just have to sit her down with some tea or coffee, and start of by telling her that you want this to be a serious discussion. You need to tell her how you feel, explain lies/why you lied and just tell her that you are who you are and you can't lie and change your self to fit her needs. this is just how I would do it, people are subjective to how they like to talk to their friends about such a delicate subject. Hope I could help a little.
