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My parents...and me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by AutumnRose, Nov 14, 2007.

  1. AutumnRose

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    Okay, this is going to be a bit long, so please bear with me. As I had mentioned in my very first post, I am very apprehensive about coming out to my parents. And while I have no doubt that this time around my mom won't be able to pass it off as a mere phase, as many of you have already stated, there is still the fact that she is not as open-minded as I would like her to be. She is 68 years old, and I am not saying all people of this age group are like her, because I know for a fact that they aren't. But to understand, she was born and raised in a small town, in an era where people didn't even talk about sex, let alone a person's sexual orientation. I remember her telling me about life back then for her, and she would say things like "People kept their personal lives to themselves" or "We just didn't talk about stuff like that. We weren't supposed to."

    The way she was raised, people were supposed to be a certain way. Men were supposed to marry women, women were supposed to stay home and tend to the children and husband. Now, here's where it gets a bit 'tricky', my mom loved working. She was never a stay at home mom. She was always working hard to help provide for the family. She's totally about women's rights, and equality for women. She is a great mom, and always has been. I feel blessed having been born of her.

    Anyway, as the years went by, and I started getting into anime, mainly the shounen-ai & yaoi which is male/male, and shoujo-ai & yuri which is female/female. I started to also want to write about gay and lesbian relationships, and even let my mom read a few of my own stories that were male/male based. And she liked them. This is when I learned that she is more open-minded about two males together. However, she has told me, many times, that the idea of two women together make her very uncomfortable. Which left me baffled, as how can you be open to one and not the other? She has said before, that she believes men are born gay, whereas for women, it is a choice. I can't speak for everyone, but I know for a fact my love of both genders is something I was born with, as I have been attracted to/interested in both as far back as I can remember.

    As for my dad, well, I love him because he is my dad, but I'm not too fond of him as a person. He is pretty much a bigot. He's very hateful when it comes to the LGBT community, and other races. I think the race thing is pretty odd for him considering he is half Greek and half Mexican with Comanche and Aztec ancestry. He had once made some stupid comment about how the KKK was just in their actions towards others. The absurdity of that comment coming from him almost made me laugh. Almost. And why? Because my dad's skin is freakin' DARK. If the KKK ever saw him, he'd be screwed. Which is why him making that comment seemed funny, as he didn't seem to realize, he's a potential target too where that group is concerned. But don't get me wrong, my dad has never physically or verbally harmed anyone (outside of family that is). So you can see why I'm reluctant to come out to him. He's 69 and even more old fashioned then my mom. In fact, my mom's way of thinking seems more modern than his.

    The thing is, all that aside, I'm ready for a relationship with another woman, and I know that unless I come out to them, that's not gonna be easy. And yes, I'm 25 years old, an adult, but I still live with them. Not because I can't afford my own place, because I can. Hell, I work very hard. But I'm here because I want to take care of them. They are both retired now, and for the majority of my life they have done so much for me. This is my way of giving back. Of saying thank you.

    See, back when I was in middle school, and I'm actually embarrassed to say this as it is very personal, but I was going through a very hard time due to an incident I was forced to endure at such a young age. I had fallen into depression and had even become suicidal. If it wasn't for my parents, I wouldn't be here right now. Now when I was in high school, like almost all teenagers, I was a bit on the rebellious side. Got into some things I shouldn't have (the illegal kind). Fought with them on an almost regular basis. But they still stood by me. And helped me through that too. Because of them, I graduated instead of dropping out like I was going to do. I'm healthy. I'm alive.

    So yes, they have stood by me through a lot, and a part of me believes my mom at least will still stand by me if, no, when I do finally come out to her. My dad on the other hand I'm not so sure. I do realize that, while I want to keep them happy, I have to understand that my happiness counts too. I've been through a lot in my life, honestly, I could tell you all things that happened to me when I was seven that would probably make you sick. Or what happened to me when I was 13 that almost destroyed me. But depsite all the shite I've lived through, I didn't let it break me. I used those nightmarish experiences to help make me a stronger person. But even so, there is still a bit of linguring insecurity inside. Make sense?
     
  2. Sam

    Sam
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    Wow. Ok so where to start. Have you ever thought of writing a letter coming out to them? The reason I ask is because there are so many good things you have to say about your parents especially your mom, if you maybe wrote about all the good things about them and how much you love them and basically just poor your heart into the letter then maybe when it got to the part where you come out to them it will be a little easer on them. I came out to my parents in separate letters months apart but each letter talked about them and me and how much I cared and a little of what I went through because I was scared to tell them. They accepted me and it took some time and some really awkward questions answered but looking back I wouldn't have chosen any other way to tell them. Just a suggestion though. I'm sure everything will be ok, parents can sometimes really surprise you. If you're ready, do it because the longer you wait the more unhappy you'll be. If you're not ready then do it when you are ready you'll know when the time is right. good luck!
     
  3. Louise

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    Everything you have said makes perfect sense to me, I understand exactly what you are feeling. From what you say your mum will be able to handle it. Once she knows she will be able to tell you the best way to handle your dad. Just take one step at a time.

    As a woman I can understand a little bit the discomfort of imagining female/female relationships. I think the hit just a little too close to home for comfort whereas male/male... who cares, it's nothing to do with us :lol:

    You are a very good, loyal and loving daughter. Your parents standing by you through your hellish childhood is what parents do. It is not a chore, it is what we are here for, that you feel a debt of gratitude is one thing but surely not why your parents did it. They did it because they love you. It is as simple as that, just as you love them. They will continue loving you no matter what.

    I have already said in past posts I would prefer a million times that my son were gay than a rampagin sociopathic murderer, a paedopile, a rapist or any number of nasty things that some mothers have to accept.

    Trust your mum, she is probably more resiliant than you think... we mostly are you know. :kiss:
     
  4. donnie5

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    i think you should drop some more hints and find out what they say just bring up gay topics occasionally and listen to their response