Please... Anyone who can lend advice...

that is quite a situation u have on ur hands. that must be very difficult. i can tell that you are constantly worried about someone discovering your sexuality. i think it is good that you can say that u r a lesbian, and were brave enough to share your predicament on EC. thats the first step, and you did it all on your own! for now, id say- get more comfortable being who you are before you tell your parents or husband. because when the time comes to tell them, youll want to have confidence in yourself.
whether its a 'normal' life, or a lesbian one, you need to do what makes you happy. clearly, this marriage is not doing it for you. and i understand that you are worried about your husband. you dont want to hurt him. but think about it.. by living a lie- u R hurting him. once you come out. you can find happiness, and he will too.
once you have the confidence to declare "im gay", tell your family and husband. it isnt fair to any of you if you are keeping secrets.
as for your religious parents. all i can say is; hopefully theyll come around. it may help to do a bit of research on homosexuality and what the bible (or whatever religious book your parents base their beliefs off of) says about it. Try to explain (with confidence) that this is the way you are. that you have always felt this way, and that it isnt going to change.
best of luck!

 

Welcome to EC! A few things to just highlight.

>>>I have a huge problem with the eyes of society and am having WWIII in my mind day in and day out.

Know that junior high school isn't real life. You may have been mocked and picked on for being a lesbian when you were 14, but you're an adult now. Yes, there are areas where being gay still isn't considered "correct", but those places are rapidly diminishing. There are tons of places in America where you can be a lesbian, and live as a lesbian, and it's really no big deal. Many of us here at EC live as out gay/bi/trans folks, and live fantastic lives. Being gay doesn't have to consign you to a lonely or awful life.

The issue you're having now is less that you're a lesbian, and more that you're a lesbian stuck in a straight-woman's life. You're a square peg in a round hole, and that's why everything feels so wrong. Once you're in a square hole, things will feel far more normal for you.

>>>I can't stand hurting anyone. Even if it means I myself have to suffer through it.

Well, here's where the big issue is. Because there's no way to move on from your current position without causing some pain to a couple people. But honestly, you may be causing them less pain by coming clean than you can by continuing the facade. By remaining in this relationship, you're causing your husband pain by not allowing him what we all deserve - somebody who actually DOES love us wholeheartedly. He's unable to search for that love so long as he believes he has it in front of him. He'll probably be hurt to find out that you aren't what he thought you were, but at least he'll be able to search for somebody who really is. Similarly, your parents may be hurt by finding out that your relationship wasn't the perfect one they thought it was, but that will pale next to seeing you ACTUALLY happy - when you can finally start living as YOU.

I think it's clear what needs to happen. It just remains to be seen how best to go about it. And maybe we can help figure that out with you.

Lex

 

Hey welcome to EC.

I know everything looks bad now with the situation you are in, but you can work through it and come out happy on the other side. If you stick around here at EC im sure we can help you. I havent been through it myself but there are members of EC who have been in exactly the position you find yourself in now and have come through the otherside.

 

>>>I'm sorry to any of you who now feel that you have wasted your time in responding to me..

This is precisely the thought process you need to get beyond. The belief that somehow you're not worthy of not only happiness, but of the advice and help we've offered. I hope the others allow me to speak for them when I say:

We offered the advice because we felt you were worth it.

You're a human being. And all human beings deserve to live a happy life. That doesn't mean you'll get everything you want - I don't think any of us end up getting that. But I can't find any reason that you're exempt from getting the chance to live a happy life.

>>>But... how do you walk away from 6, nearly 7 years of your life?

I'm assuming you've been in the position of driving somewhere for the first time, where you're not quite sure of the route or exact destination. And from time to time, you might find out you've missed a turn, or ended up on the wrong road. And what do you do once you come to that realization? Do you think "Well, I don't want the time I spent heading this direction to be a waste of time"? No, you find the first opportunity to make a turn (or a U-turn) and head in the RIGHT direction.

As for that time being "wasted"? I don't know if it has been. Not completely.

There's a guy who makes his living recovering things from shipwrecks. And he was hired by a shipping company to salvage from a particular shipwreck - however, nobody was exactly sure where the wreck might be. So he set out with a small fleet of ships and began searching. One night, after the fruitless search had been called off for the day, one of his crew was a bit surprised (and a bit peeved) to see the guy whistling and happy on the deck. "What are YOU so happy about?" he grumbled. "We didn't find anything."

"Yes, we did," the guy responded. He indicated the section of ocean the fleet had spent the day searching. "We found that it wasn't THERE."

And I can relate. I spent several years studying to be a teacher. And then found something out - I didn't like teaching. I didn't like standing in front of classes and teaching. I could've stumbled along, thinking "Well, I've been training for this long", but I didn't. I switched course. I found something else I liked doing, and trained for that instead. Yeah, it meant I got a later start than those who knew right away. But I don't think that time was wasted. And I'm happy I took the course I did.

It seems pretty clear where the problem is. You don't feel you deserve your happiness. And I don't know if there's anything I (or anybody else) can say from over here to convince you otherwise. I'd definitely suggest therapy to work on your self-esteem, but I can't imagine that you'd be willing to go that route - I'm guessing you probably don't think you're worthy of that, either, and I can picture you saying "I don't want to waste the therapist's time with my problems". About all I can do is urge you with all possible urges - your happiness IS within your grasp. You have to believe you're worth it, because we all are.

Let us know if we can help in some way.

Lex