Im 19 years old and right now. It has been a while now that I´ve been atracted to boys, but I had never actually considered the posibility of me being gay until now. The thing is I live in an extremeley religious family, that hates gays with their lives. And now that I realized my attraction to guys has increased Im really terrified. Ive tried so hard to feel atracted to girls, looking at pictures of models in bathing suites, you know. But I always end up looking at guys in their bathing suites (girls just dont do it for me). Right now Im in the process of "accepting" Im gay but as I said I am terrified. I am really scared because my family REALLY hates gays. Just the other day there was this scene were two guys kissed (the camera moved away so they didnt actually kiss) and all my family did faces of disgust and you know... I had to as well. Or in a family reunion the topic came out and my grandpa showed us the part in the bible that says gays will go to hell, so you know, these type of things make me feel worse about myself. Can anyone help me? I really am alone in this, Im afraid to tell my friends cause I feel they will stop liking me, or see me different....I dont know what to do.
the bible also says slavery is okay. times have changed. homosexuality has a long way to go, but we'll get there. my question, are you ready to come out, or are you just looking for advice on how to feel more comfortable around your family?
If your friends stop liking you because you "come out", than they really are not your friends. You haven't changed, and they shouldn't change because you come out. You have always been who you are, you just didn't realize you were gay. Once your family finds out, they will and should accept you. It may be hard for them at first, but they will get over it. Good luck.
No Im not ready to come out, Im just looking for advice in general. I mean I am still having issues everytime I think to myself Im gay.... it just scares me to death. Im sorry if its to weird, its just that right now I really dont know what to do.
Ok, first off, there isn't any reason to be scared. Some boys like boys and that's perfectly alright. Some girls like girls and that's alright too. There isn't anything you can do to change your sexuality, and there isn't any reason to do it either. Sometimes families will behave the way that your family has, and then they totally change as soon as someone they know and love comes out of the closet. It won't happen overnight, and some people, like your grandparents, might never come around. You have to understand and realize though that if you ever want to find an authentic and happy relationship, and if you want to live a genuine life, you have to accept yourself for how you are and celebrate it. You won't find happiness any other way. I really don't want to bash Christianity here, but just a few passages down from the one that condemns all gay people to hell is a passage that condemns all wizards to death. The Bible also says that unicorns exist, donkeys can talk, a senior citizen built a ship big enough for two of every animal, and all sorts of just totally ridiculous things like that so who cares what the Bible says? Plus, as others have already said, if your friends stop talking to you because they know the real you, they weren't really your friends to begin with. They aren't your friends right now anyway. They're friends with a pretender. They're friends with an act. I thought the same things you thought before I came out, and trust me, it gets so much better. Confide in someone that you absolutely know will be accepting and let the rest come naturally.
Welcome to EC! >>>Ive tried so hard to feel atracted to girls, looking at pictures of models in bathing suites, you know. I'll speak for the group here if that's OK. None of us signed up for this. Nobody said "Hey, being gay sounds like a hoot. I think I'll be gay." We just came to realize that we were gay (or bi, or trans). There's really no changing it. You're 19. That means that soon, you'll be living on your own. If you can wait to come out until then, that might be ideal. It's pretty tough to fully come to grips with who you are with the homophobia that close by. You CAN come out while still living at home, but it'll probably be tougher. One thing to keep in mind about your family. Homophobia nearly always comes from ignorance. Your family - to put it simply - just doesn't know any better. They've never known anybody gay (so far as they know), and so to them, gays are just "them". Some nebulous group of people they think they don't know and they're never going to interact with. When homophobic families are confronted with the fact that "there's a gay in their midst", it's usually pretty unsettling. It forces them to confront their prejudices directly, in a way that an intellectual debate could never do. They can't just bat it away. They have to say "I've always said that gays are bad people, but somebody I know and love is gay. What does that mean?" And there may be some avoidance. They may insist you're not really gay, and try to "talk you out of it". But know that most families do come around to some degree. They might not instantly transform into accepting and loving people, and it may take some time for the change to take place. But it does happen more often than not. As for your friends, do you have any who HAVE shown any acceptance towards gays? Any who you feel close enough to "share tough things with"? Lex
>>>As for your friends, do you have any who HAVE shown any acceptance towards gays? Any who you feel close enough to "share tough things with"? Not my close friends... they all use the word gay as an insult, and think its disgusting, they all sometimes joke about being gay... but then they go back to hating
Then perhaps it's time for some new friends. Your friends are in the same position as your family. Ignorant, not realizing they're lashing out at somebody sitting with them. And it may be that once you come out, they'll re-evaluate their stance. That'll depend on how close you guys are. If it's easier for them to just metaphorically stamp "FAG" across your face and ditch you, they might just go that route. But perhaps they'll change their stance. No way of knowing until it happens. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're probably in a rather small community, perhaps rural America? Just because such attitudes - especially when it seems EVERYBODY has them - are more common there. Is that the case? (I'm not trying to pinpoint your location or anything. Just trying to get a better feel as to your position.) Lex
man i feel for you... im in the exact same position and i have absolutely no idea what to do...i constatly tell myself that im not gay but its useless... the thought of coming out to anyone scares the crap out of me...hope you figure it out though
As a fellow nineteen year old, let me just say thanks for posting your story. Anyway, overly religious stances can make a massive impact on families as you're no doubt aware. I'm not sure if you can and I'm not sure of how religious you are, but perhaps it is possible to look beyond what it says and belief less horrific ideals whilst still retaining your faith. Maybe you could ask your family if they truly believe homosexuality is a sin and ask if they can say whether they disapprove of homosexuality without consulting the Bible. Sometimes, people often rely on these books when (to my recollection, the Bible doesn't actually condemn homosexuality and may have been misinterpreted somewhere along the line) they haven't been allowed to form an opinion themselves. Do your friends feel the same way? Often or not, I've found that telling friends these things are easier than telling your family (then again, I haven't told my family I'm gay yet, so I don't know) and if they have no preconceptions on the subject, perhaps you can be open with them. If you loose them as friends, then they weren't worthy of being your friends in the first place. If they're accepting, then that's great, you can feel more confident about the situation and have some support if coming out to your family goes badly. I hope some of this may have been of use and I hope your situation improves wherever you end up.
I think you'll actually be really surprised. I know an awful lot of people who, prior to coming out, had friends that were openly hostile toward gay people, making derogatory comments, rude jokes, all sorts of negative commentary. And in nearly every case, they didn't lose a single friend. In the few cases where it was otherwise, maybe one or two friends couldn't deal with it, but the rest were fine. As Lex said, people make those sort of comments out of ignorance. Most of us are hardwired to fear that which is unknown to us. In your case, if/when you come out to them, they will already know who you are, and so what will happen is, they'll have to reconcile what they (think they) know about gays with what they *do* know about you... and when that happens, their view shifts, because they won't be able to hold both viewpoints. Likely the same thing will happen with your parents... I can't tell you how many times I've talked to people who were coming out to parents who were religious, conservative, or otherwise anti-gay. Even if initially they went a little ballistic... in all but the rarest of cases, the family ultimately comes around because relationships to loved ones are more important than family. I'm glad you're here. This is a great place to explore yourself and the feelings you have. And as others have said, there are quite a few here who were in the place you're in now. Trust me, when you're ready... I think you'll be surprised how it will all turn out
Lucky for me, I can't say I'm in the same position. My parents and sister are all very accepting and stuff, and so are most of my friends. But I also had a homophobic friend. I was terrified of coming out to her. She can be really... well, I don't speak english enough to describe it. She'd always say how gays are disgusting and go to hell and stuff, and she was like my best friend, so I was terrified of losing her. But that's the good thing about best friends, I think. They don't want to lose you either. So when I told her, we were at another friend's house, she didn't say much. I could tell she wanted to leave, or slap me or something. But she didn't. She didn't talk to me either, though, but I guess that's alright. When we went home she said: 'I don't like it. I really don't, but you're my best friend. Give me some time, I'm really gonna try to get used to it.' And she did. She didn't talk to me for a month, but now she's cool with it. We actually joke about it together. And she tried to set me up with another girl to help me get over my straight crush. Maybe that's what'll happen with your best friend, if you have a best friend. They love you, they won't just ditch you because you're gay. Some might, yes, but not everyone. Definitly not everyone. Maybe at first there'll be only one or two who're okay with it, but the rest'll come round. And I agree with what everyone else said. Good luck (*hug*)
no i understand. im not planning on coming out for another year (at least) and i still ask for advice. you have trouble accepting youre gay. understandable. it can b a very scary thing. think about it this way, youre gay. u cant change it. so embrace it. there are more gay ppl around than u may realize. in fact, roughly 1 out of 10 in America. youre not alone.
