I had a minor breakthrough today. When I was younger I knew that I had an attraction to boys, but being devoutly Catholic I suppressed all of those feeling until I was around 21 (that wasn't the breakthrough). At the same time I also had an attraction to girls to some extent. So for a long time I tried to highlight that attraction and repress the gay one. In the process of doing that, being gay ended up becoming a consuming thing that I feared and wouldn't express, and I feel like my attraction to men might have magnified to some extent as a result of that, and my attraction to women dwindled. Eventually when I finally accepted being gay, part of what took away the religious issues was thinking that I absolutely couldn't be straight and had no choice in the matter. But, as a result of thinking that, I then ended up suppressing any attraction I had women (lol) so I could feel better about myself and having made the decision to allow myself to be gay. Then recently, something in my head must have clicked because I found myself attracted to women to some extent as well. So now I'm just confused and frustrated about a bunch of things. For one, it took me such a long time to be comfortable with the idea of liking and potentially dating guys that I don't know if I would want to do anything to go back on that. However, besides being confused about attraction, in terms of religion it leaves open a question as to whether I should try to be a certain way (I begrudgingly gave up on religion when I figured I could never live an "authentic" catholic life). I'm not by any means a flamboyant person, but I started allowing myself to express anything like that if I ever wanted to, and now I'm confused as to how I'm supposed to act (I realize that's going to elicit a 1000 *just be yourself* answers, but that's not always a black or white thing. Not to mention I don't even know how to be myself a lot of the time). Also, I haven't told anyone that I know/knew in person that I'm gay, but a lot of of people I know and frequently talk to from the internet know I'm gay. The problem is, in my repression of female attraction, I went out of my way to make it very clear that I wasn't and couldn't be attracted to women. So now I feel fake towards the people who think I'm straight AND the people who think I'm gay LMAO. :bang:.
Just tell people that you're "probably bisexual". You dont need to be one thing or the other. I made that mistake when I first admitted to myself that I was gay. "Probably bisexual" fits the bill, dont you think?
Don't feel stupid and confused (*hug*) . It's hard enough accepting yourself, and now you feel like you have to validate yourself to the world. Don't label yourself at all if you want- who's standards do you have to live up to besides that of yourself?
you know, the bible has many different translations. Some of which don't bend it to say that gay is bad, others that don't. It's completely possible to live a full happy life and be a religious person and be gay. Being gay isn't really all that different from being straight. There's nothing you have to do differently. You can lead whatever life you like. If you happen to do it with a relationship with a guy, well that's no ones business but your own. I promise, god won't care. as far as this sudden attraction to women, and your attraction to men. Being gay isn't some disease that gets stronger when you ignore it. I see what you're saying here, and though it might feel like that, you've probably always been bisexual and got confused along the way. Or maybe you're gay, and this is just you thinking too much about this. Stop thinking so much about your sexuality. You are who you are, and you don't need a label to tell you that.
>>>I started allowing myself to express anything like that if I ever wanted to, and now I'm confused as to how I'm supposed to act (I realize that's going to elicit a 1000 *just be yourself* answers, but that's not always a black or white thing. Not to mention I don't even know how to be myself a lot of the time). Well, if I'm reading your post correctly, you seem to have been doing a lot of...well, not sure what a good term is. But it sort of reminds me of a guy I knew in college (although he probably did it a lot further than you have). Mike sort of grew up "knowing" what he was going to be. He was going to get his degree in math, and become a math professor. That was sort of a given since he was quite young. But then, in college, his father passed away, and he suddenly realized this path wasn't the one he had to pursue. He could pursue ANY path he wanted. And he entered something of a delayed adolescence. Every week or two, he'd have a new hobby, and a new career path. And that was totally fine, and in fact was probably a positive thing - he was feeling himself out, trying to figure out what he wanted to do. But he didn't just try things out. Each time he changed his career path, he changed his personality. When he decided he was going to be "socially aware", he started wearing tie-dye shirts (the clothing of choice of the "socially aware" back then) and discussing everything in terms of its political and social ramifications. When he decided he was going to be a musician, he changed to new wave styles for his clothing and haircut (which was odd - that was already almost a decade past), and throwing around terms like "gig" and "charting our musical journey" a lot...before he actually joined a band or even learned an instrument. It wasn't so much that he was trying new things - that was totally fine and we in fact encouraged that. It was that he kept altering his personality completely to jibe with the new career path. His personality wasn't just influenced by what he was interested in currently - it literally switched completely into what he thought "these people" were supposed to be like. And frankly, we found this annoying. Mainly because it suggested that there was no THERE there - that there was nothing beyond the facade of "musician" or whatever he was pursuing at that time. I'm pretty sure being gay, being over 40, and doing what I do for a living all inform my personality to some degree. But to whatever extent they do, they're not deliberate. My laugh might ramp up to a giggle from time to time, but I don't do it because "that's what homosexuals do". I just kind of do it. Which is why you're going to get the one thousand responses that just say "be yourself". Because that's the accurate answer. It may be that you act really gay, really straight, or somewhere in between...and that you actually ARE gay, or bi, or whatever else. It really doesn't matter. The two don't have to jibe. If you're thinking to yourself "how should I act as a (whatever)?", you're automatically overthinking things. So you told people online you were gay, and perhaps you're bi. So? Say so. "I thought I was gay, but I'm finding perhaps I might have feelings for women as well. So I'm just going to run with that for a bit and see what happens." And then...run with that a bit and see what happens. Lex
