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Weird relationship situation

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GlindaRose, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. GlindaRose

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    I have a friend, M, who I met at uni. He has a girlfriend, J, who goes to a different uni and we have met several times.

    Because their relationship is largely long distant, they have this agreement that he's allowed to kiss other girls...and so is she.

    I've kissed her twice, both in a game, both times with him there egging us on. That's not the important bit though. Recently J came to visit M and they seemed a little bit rocky. When her time visiting was up, she unfortunately missed her train back home so she stayed a couple of extra nights, but on those days, M was working, meaning that me and J ended up spending a lot of time together.

    Before anyone jumps to conclusions, no, me and J haven't done anything else physical while M wasn't there. However, we have been flirting rather a lot. She already knew that I found her hot, and I knew that I'd been pinpointed by her as the favourite of M's friends that she'd met. Because we spent so much time together we ended up getting quite close, and our conversations reflect that. She did say a lot of stuff that indicated that she liked me, and to be honest I like her as well. There was even a conversation about cold showers, and if that's not indicative, then I don't know what is.

    I knew at that point that I didn't want to be a home wrecker, but I couldn't help but hope that somehow, J and M might break up (since they were already rocky) and then me and J could be together. Then I told myself no, because M's my friend and I'm living with him next year so that would be really awkward.

    So, she went home this evening and we had this text conversation where she basically admitted she was gay but had a boyfriend, and pretty much said that she liked me. However, she also said what I'd been thinking, which was even if she and M broke up, we couldn't be together because it would make things bad with M.

    I've never been in a relationship before and I don't really know how to handle things. It was never my intention to become the person that intervened with a relationship and if they break up I don't want to be the reason why (though somehow I potentially feel I might have already become a reason). On the other hand I'm not sure how well I'll be able to stick to that agreement. I'll see her next week at M's birthday, and I'm not sure how things are really going to go because deep down I still want to be with her despite knowing it might be awkward with M. And God Forbid if anything physical happens.

    I don't really know what kind of advice I'm asking for, it's more like I just needed to put my thoughts down into writing because this is kind of a whirl at the moment. :confused:
     
  2. Lexington

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    A homewrecker is somebody who deliberately sets out to break up a relationship so they can get with one of the participants. (Or who gets with one before waiting for the relationship to break up.) That doesn't apply here. Especially since J is "gay but has a boyfriend" - she's the one who is keeping things going under false pretenses. I'd encourage J to break up with M - not because it means she'll become fair game then, but because there's no future there. M and J both have a right to find somebody who they CAN be in a good relationship with, and breaking up will free both of them to do that.

    Rex
     
  3. GlindaRose

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    But the thing is, it's all very well for her to break up with him, but if she did get together with me, then it would be awkward between me and him because we're good friends and living together for 2nd year at uni. In fact, we're moving in in just a few days time. :S
     
  4. Lexington

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    That's getting a bit ahead of the game. I think they need to break up not so that you can have a shot at her, but so they can both be free to pursue other relationships. Yes, down the road, that might mean you and her becoming a couple. And if it comes to that, there are ways to bring him aboard so he doesn't feel like you're "stealing his girlfriend". But that's all for later. As it stands now, she's dating him but is gay and has eyes for you (and you for her). That makes the situation awkward already, and he's presumably the only one who isn't aware of it yet.

    Lex
     
  5. GlindaRose

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    Yeah, he isn't aware that we are at *that* extent, as in, we had a pretty flirtations text conversation that she asked me to delete so he wouldn't find out...means things really can't be good for her and him...Thanks for replying by the way.
     
  6. GlindaRose

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    UPDATE:

    I had a phone conversation with J today, it was actually on M's phone but he wasn't in the room. We have agreed that a relationship is not impossible for us but that the situation has to be handled quite carefully so we don't hurt M too badly. Basically, it's going to have to wait a bit. However I told her that we can't really think about that stage unless J makes the decision to break up with M because that's the biggest obstacle at the moment.

    She said 'If it's meant to be, it will be.' Wise words from a wise girl. I now feel slightly optimistic about our chances. :slight_smile:

    Also, if M eggs us on in Gay Chicken or Spin the Bottle at his birthday, it's pretty likely that we WILL end up making out again.