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So I decided to be honest with myself... Any advice?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LemonCake, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. LemonCake

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    So, I have been in denial for years and I don't want to live a lie anymore. I have only recently realized how deep in denial I really was, and I'm ready to deal with my sexuality now. I just don't know where to start or how to go about the coming out process.

    I am 26 years old and I have known I was not straight since I was about 12 years old. I have always been attracted to other girls, and at 12 labeled myself bisexual when I discovered the term. I came out to some friends at school when I was 13 and all of them stopped speaking to me because they thought I was gross. I later told everyone I was just trying to shock them. It seems that as a young girl I did have some attraction to guys, but after about age 14 I no longer felt attracted to men, only girls. I denied this however, and even lied to some people and said that I had crushes on boys when I didn't.

    When I was 19 years old I fell in love with another girl. I was rather obsessed with her but I didn't understand my feelings until I realized that I was not bisexual, but gay instead. That night I couldn't stop crying. I became so upset that I tried to kill myself and ended up in a mental hopsital. I kept thinking over and over that I didn't want to be gay. It's weird but that night my mom had asked me twice whether I was gay because she wanted to figure out why I was crying, but of course I told her no. For the next few years I kept my sexuality a secret.

    When I was 22, I was asked out for the first time by a guy. I was fairly certain that I was gay, but I thought maybe if I got with a man I would be able to stop liking women. I dated several men after that but nothing went past the 2nd date. I remember wondering why I didn't find them "cute" like other girls did. It's like I tried to forget the fact that I was gay and I became obsessed with finding a boyfriend to prove myself to other people.

    Earlier this year, I dated two men and kissed for the first time. I also went on to sleep with them. I felt absolutely nothing. It suddenly dawned on me that I was lying to myself. I didn't want to be with a man because I actually liked him, I wanted a man to prove that I was "normal" and so people would not judge me. I do not regret these encounters, however, because they helped me to discover what I really want.

    I read a thread on here that was about being frustrated that you figured it out later than usual. I feel the same way, actually. I don't mind being gay, but I do mind my lack of experience. I feel kind of angry at myself for not having the guts to deal with it earlier. I wanted to please other people even at the expense of my own happiness.

    I feel like a teenager or something. I'm certainly not as mature as other women my age. I've never kissed or dated a girl and I don't want other queer girls to judge me or reject me for my lack of experience in dating and sex. I'm happy that I figured it out but I also feel scared and alone. I do not even know any gay people, and I'm very shy so approaching other girls is very intimidating! That's not to mention actually telling other people I'm gay.

    So... any advice on what to do to?
     
  2. Foxywolf

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    Well first off a lot of the people on this board are in the same boat as you. Different people figure out themselves in different stages of life and you've found yourself now!
    You may not have experience dating girls, but you have had experience dating in general, that's got to count for something.
    Time will make you more comfortable telling other people that you are gay and it will make you feel more comfortable dating girls too.
    Sorry I am not much help, I wanted to help you, but I am actually really tired so I can't think straight (haha, can't think straight, cuz I'm not straight <--- see this is what happens when I am tired).
     
  3. coastgirl

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    Hey there! I can't really offer you any advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm in the same situation! You can check out my post all about it here. Yeah, it's no fun, and I feel late too. But I can't really blame myself too much. I was in SUCH denial. What's past is past. The only thing stressing me out now is getting over it and getting on with my life so I don't waste any more time being scared. Now that I'm out of denial it seems like I'm living a lie, and I don't like that.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile: My only suggestion is this. Say you found out that, for some bizarre reason, you're at the gates of Disneyland with an all-day pass, but it's already 1pm. You can spend the next several hours feeling pissed and unhappy that you "wasted" the last several hours not enjoying the park...

    ...or you can get your ass into the park and have a damn good time. I know which I'd suggest. :slight_smile:

    Yes, you may be getting a later start than some, or even most. But regret is one of the lamest of emotions, because it has people staring backwards. And all that stuff is set in stone now. You can't do anything about it. It's all the things ahead of you that you're still able to change. So swivel around in your seat, and get started on making your present and future kick ass. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. LemonCake

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    coastgirl - I know what you mean by being scared. It sucks, but its intersting to see someone else in my situation. Most people seem to go through this much earlier than us. I do feel happier that I have admitted this to myself, though.

    Foxy wolf - Its true that I do have some dating experience, but I've never had a long term relationship with anyone, and I'm not sure how that will come across to any potential partners. Maybe they will accept it as part of my denial of my sexuality? I dunno. I've known some gay men, but I've had very little contact with gay women.

    ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2011 at 02:03 PM ----------

    Oh yeah I should not regret it. I see the next few years of my life as being far happier and more enjoyable than any I've ever had. I just don't really know where to start on everything.

    One big problem is my location. I live in a rural southern town where I'm trying to get my degree. Being gay isn't exactly cool here , so its not something a lot of people are too open about. I've known some gay guys but only one lesbian, and I was too chicken to tell her (she was more of an acquantence than a friend).

    Another problem is my extreme shyness. I am actually diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, so socializing of any sort is a nightmare for me. Rejection is one of my biggest fear, and being rejected for being gay is pretty scary. I've been in therapy for several years though and I feel pretty happy now and I'm able to function, but making friends is difficult for me.

    Also I don't "look gay" so very few people suspect. My dad has teased me about liking girls though ( how he can tell I have no idea).
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. I was in your position, I joined EC when I was 26, totally scared and unsure as to whether I was gay or not. I had absolutely no dating experience with men or women and the only thing I was sure of is that I was never going to sort it all out. With a lot of help from all of the wonderful people here at EC, I slowly but surely managed to come out to a few people, and feel more at peace with myself and more confident and then come out to more people. I am now out to pretty much everyone and have a girlfriend. I cant speak for all the gay girls out there but I havent come across many that would be put off by your lack of girl experience.

    You have taken the first few big steps, and I agree with what Lex said, it was very true for me, when I first accepted I was gay I was annoyed and frustrated with myself for only just realising and I thought when I came out to people they would think I was stupid for not knowing, but whilst I was busy being annoyed with myself I couldnt move forward and I certainly didnt have anyone think I was stupid when I came out.

    Feel free to post on my wall anytime.
     
  7. LemonCake

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    Silverhalo - Yeah I feel a bit scared people will think I'm stupid for not figuring it out. I'm really surprised at the amount of people on this forum who have felt the same way and are going through this in their adulthood, to be honest. You hear a lot about gay teens coming to terms with it, but far less about realizing it as an adult, so I sort of assumed I was too late I guess.

    I should try to keep Lex's Disneyland metaphor in mind though, so I don't whine too much about missing out. In a lot of ways I feel like my life has just begun (even in regards to other things than my sexuality). Late bloomer I suppose.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Absolutely, when I finally figured myself out and accepted that I liked girls I found myself almost revisiting my teenage years and going through puberty again, as in I started noticing girls a lot more, I guess it felt like I always imagined my friends felt about the guys when I was at college and I wondered why I never felt the same.

    I think you often dont hear about older people coming out because like you and I and a lot of people on here we all assume we are alone in how we feel.

    Its difficult if you are not in the most accepting area, does your school or college have any LGBT societies or anything or are there any local to the area?
     
  9. LemonCake

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    I'm not sure if there are any LGBT societies at my school. I think there may be. I'm not sure if I could conquer my shyness enough to go, however. My extreme lack of social skills makes things so hard for me :frowning2:

    I have put up a profile on ####### and talked to a couple of girls there, but I'm afraid to put my picture there (the thought makes me paranoid). Neither of those girls really seemed interested and I wasn't really too interested in them either as we had nothing in common. I feel like I'm going to have to wait until I graduate college and move away from this blasted town before I can actually be part of the gay community to be honest. I've always wanted to leave this place, so that isn't that big of a deal. Its rather annoying to wait though.
     
  10. Lexington

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    I actually didn't come out of the closet until JUST as I was graduating college. Which was kind of a bummer in retrospect, because my college had a large gay population, and it would've been nice to get some dating in before I left. :slight_smile: But at the same time, I can't say as I'm too upset as to how things turned out.

    Lex
     
  11. Katelynn

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    I can sympathize with you too. I just finally admitted who I really just to myself this week & consider myself very lucky to have found this site yesterday, as I went through a number of emotions all at once. OMG, I am a girl & it took me 25 years to FINALLY admit to myself. It's been a big burden lifted just to say it to myself, but right afterwards I started thinking back on all the times I almost admitted it to myself and chose to push my feeling deep down. Even though I'm in my 30s, I've started to feel like I'm a little younger as well, with it almost feeling like puberty again in a way. But I keep thinking back and wishing I had the courage to have been honest with myself sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20 as they say, so I'm just trying to focus on being me and being happy with me.
     
  12. Katelynn

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    I can also really sympathize with you about where I live. When I first started looking for a support group, I googled my city's name & LGBT & the first thing that came up was a news article entitled 'Homophobia alive & well'. I was already pretty scared to reach out, so it really freaked me out. Luckily the people here have been really supportive, so I think this is the already the best place for me right now. Hopefully you will find the same thing too...