trapped inside the closet

I'm sorry to hear about this...but I'm also glad to see that you're so brave. Asking the hard questions of self discovery and taking these first steps always takes a lot of courage. I had just turned 19 when I started coming out to close friends, but I had doubts about my sexuality for a long time. It took me about four years of introspection to realize that, one, I really do like both girls and guys, and two, that it's okay. It may take you months or even years get to a comfortable point, but remember, coming out is all about you, and it really should be done when you're ready to do it. I am in the same situation at home, which is why I'm really only out to my friends at college. I think coming out should be seen as a way for you to acknowledge that you want to be completely honest with others about yourself, and so, it is always your call on when, or even if, you want to do this at all. I honestly did feel so much better when I first came out to one of my friends, especially when she said, with a smile, "that it was very obvious". I would encourage you to really try and find someone near your home that you can talk to, or maybe a friend who is more accepting than the rest of the group...it would really help for you to build a support system of sorts before making bigger steps, if that makes sense. I can promise you that you will not lose everything you have. At times it may seem that way, and you may want to believe it. But just think, that at the end of the day, you are really being true to yourself. I also promise that you will feel so much better once you come out for the first time. I've known numerous people to report that "a weight has lifted off my shoulders". Remember, this is for you, and only for you, so if you feel that you need to do some more soul searching, do it. And remember that all of us at EC are here to help you!

 

Sounds to me like you're having a really hard time figuring everything out, but you aren't alone. I went through some similar feelings when I first started coming out to myself. My advice: First, try not to take your family's homophobic comments to heart- they don't realize that it's hurting you. Second, try not to worry too much about coming out to anyone besides yourself right now. When you become comfortable with yourself, it will be so much easier telling other people.

 

As far as I can tell, many familys who are homophobic will reconsider their opinions when a family member comes out. They can be unaccepting at first but will often come around.

You say that you sometimes have liked girls; might you be bi instead of gay? Remember that you can be bi but lean gay, or feel physically attracted to guys but romantically attracted to both or something like that.

Whatever your orientation, it is nothing to be scared of. When I first realised that I lied girls, I was like "SHIT! No-one can ever know. I like guys too, so I can just only date them and ignore any crush on a girl, right? Dear God, please help me be straight, please. Surely I can't be bi. Bisexuals don't even exist. Why must I be bi? No-one can ever know. Do I act like a lesbian? Will people figure it out? Mom will chuck me out if she knows. Won't my feelings go away? FUCK!!!". Now I have accepted my sexuality and even begun to come out to people. It really will get better if you give it time, though the length of time varies. Don't let your possible orientation dominate every moment.

You say that your friends are homophobic; are they religious? (I'm not trying to imply that all religious people are homophobes; the most supportive person I have come out to is strongly Christian. Neither am I saying that all homophobic people are religious.) If most of them are, do you have a friend who isn't? You might want to bring up LGBT rights with them to see what they say, but remember that their reaction to abstract homosexuality may well be different from finding out that a friend of theirs is gay. Make sure they can be trusted not to tell others, though. The reason I am suggesting this with an atheist is not because they are more likely to accept you, but simply because I found it easier not to have to potentially deal with religious issues as well.

I know what you mean about finding yourself bashing gays. The other day I said without thinking "Gays are weird.". I spent the rest of that day hating myself for saying it.

Since you are 19, you may be going to college/uni soon. This might be a good place to start coming out, as you will be in a new, wider, and probably more liberal group; there could even be some other gays there.

Good luck.

 

Welcome to EC!

First off, keep working on yourself. You're obviously still weirded out by it all, so take some time to get more used to it. You're gay. BFD. Being gay doesn't mean anything in your life plan has to change. You can still have everything you were hoping for - good friends, a great job, house in the suburbs, kids. The only change is your wife is gonna have a penis.

Your friends and family can wait. Don't worry about them just yet. Focus on yourself. Once you've gotten more comfortable with it, you can decide what to do about them. Know that, generally speaking, friends and family tend to respond better than we think they will. They don't always, of course, but they often do. Homophobic people tend to be that may out of sheer ignorance. They don't KNOW anybody gay, so it's easy for people to deride them and consider gays "them" - some nebulous group of people they think they'll never encounter. Once they know there's a gay in their midst, however, they often have a major rethink.

But again, that's for later. Keep working on yourself. Read some more, post some more, ask some more questions. If you have any questions you'd rather go "one on one" with, feel free to click on my name to the left there and send me an private message. We'll get you to a better place yet.

Lex

 

Just hang in there; it doesn't say your age, so i'm not sure when this will be, but one day, you will move out of your parents home into the real world, and in some places, people are much more accepting of gay people, and you'll feel safer there. I agree with Daryn; try not to feel too hurt by your parents, they don't mean to hurt your feelings. If you do decide to come out to them, and they take it well, don't despair; one day, they will accept you for the wonderful human being you are. if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here, and so are all the friendly people around you on EC. smart move signing up.

 

Wow. When i was reading your story, i felt like it was my own. i know EXACTLY how you feel. I felt the same way just a year ago. Believe me, i know how terrified and hopeless you can feel. But, i promise, it gets way better. Just don't rush it. Go your own pace. I'm sure you're a great guy, and youll find happiness, whatever that means for you.