...I'll try and explain it. I've known for sure that I'm gay for a couple of years now, but only acted on it starting last year. I've had a lot of girlfriends, and I was always taught by my dad that it's either you're straight or you're not his kid, so I tried really hard to fit myself into that mold. It didn't work, and I finally realized that I needed to live in the truth of who I am, and that led me to where I am now. I'm currently very happy in my relationship with a guy, and we've been together for 3 months now. I know for sure that this is the way I'm gonna live my life, but I still have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something is wrong. I love my boyfriend with all my heart (and being a more masculine guy, I'm kinda embarrassed to say that), and I won't give him up under any circumstances, but I just need to put some of my worries and insecurities to rest. I had all my family on facebook up until recently, when I deleted them and made my profile private so that I could change my relationship status with my boyfriend without them seeing, because some of them either don't know yet, or know and don't like it. I told my dad, and since he lives in Rhode Island and I live in Arizona, I didn't really care what he thought about it since he's so far away and kinda detached from my life these days. He told me it wasn't normal, and that he didn't want me to tell my mom because he doesn't want to take the blame for parenting me into being gay. I know my mom would never place that kind of blame on someone, she knows its not something that can be chosen or changed, so I thought that was really selfish of him to put his own need to defend himself against a non-existent attack rather than support me in coming out to my mom. I still haven't come out to her, and I feel horrible that I haven't. My mom and I have always had a great relationship, I'm her only child so there's a special connection there that a lot of kids don't get when they have siblings. I still fear her reaction though, and that's why I haven't told her anything yet. My boyfriend came out to his parents about a week after we started dating, and his family knows me very well and treats us just like they treat his straight brother and sister. I appreciate that and it's definitely made me more comfortable, but I still think about the images of "alternative lifestyles" that come to mind when I think of being gay. I really am not into the pride scene, and neither is my boyfriend...we're both very masculine guys and we love that about eachother, so I hate the idea of being thrown into the generalization of gay when I tell someone that I am in fact gay. I don't want my life to change very much, I want it to be just like it would if I had a girlfriend. I'm not changing my personality, the only thing different from me and the next guy is who I love. I know this post kinda seems scattered and not very organized, but when you have as much on your mind as I do, it's hard to get one coherent thought out. I guess what I'm asking for is some advice on how to be more secure with myself and my sexuality so that I can just enjoy being hopelessly in love without the hangups of thinking about it being "not right" or worrying about what my Mom and family would think, or what people in general would think about it. Apparently Tucson (where I live) is very gay-friendly, but I'm just too introverted and self-conscious to find out if it really is. I just want to live life normally, is that too much to ask?? haha
just take baby steps, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and there is no gay mold you have to fit into, or any set timeline for when you have to come out, out of curiosity, how does the bf feel about it?
Masculinity is a funny thing. One of the big problems with it as it exists now is that it is uncomfortably rigid; rather than taking the form of "the things that men do define what masculinity is", it takes the form of "masculinity defines the things that men do". Rather than changing as the things men do change, masculinity remains an inflexible concept that excludes any men who don't fit into a very confining mold of what defines being a man. But at its heart, masculinity is simply what is traditionally associated with men. It is a concept defined by the past, and by not adhering to it in the present, you are giving it a better definition for the future. Like with masculinity, there's no reason to change who you are just because you belong to a group that is thought to typically have some characteristics you don't. When people form generalizations about the gay community, they're going to do so based on whatever examples are most easily available for them to draw "typical" characteristics from. Because masculine gay guys aren't as remarkable, if you will, as more flamboyant gay guys, because they do fit into those stereotypes, people are going to draw their idea of what it typical of gay guys from the flamboyant gentlemen. But here's the thing: people's expectations are based on their experiences, so the people who know you and your boyfriend and know that you two are gay will have the experience of knowing masculine gay guys, and thus their generalization of what a gay man is will slowly but surely start to include masculine characteristics. And even if they don't, that's no reason to feel any pressure to change who you are. A generalization is just that: a general idea about a group, not a universal characteristic that all members of that group must adhere to if they wish to belong. The only universal characteristic about gay men is that they like other men. You have that characteristic, so there's nothing else you should feel any pressure to change. If other people are going to "throw you into a generalization" when they find out you are gay, it's their problem, not yours; them being wrong about who you are doesn't change who you are.
I think the answer to all your woes is already in your post! You know the answers, you just need to believe them! It's not an 'alternative/gay lifestyle', it's YOUR lifestyle. It's not a personality, it's a sexuality. It's not your parents life, it's yours. It's your decision how involved they are in it. It's not your fault, it's also not your parents, so don't go letting either party believe so! Inregards to family, you've also already said the answer! You noted that your father was distanced and not a big part of your life; and isn't ignorance the basis of almost all homophobia? Educated, explain and elaborate! Time, effort and understanding on your behalf should win over your family, and don't be too disheartened by their initial reaction. Even the most closed minds can be opened, eventually. Always seek and accept support, you'll be amazed at where you'll find it! Perhaps your boyfriends parents would be a great place to start with. Ask them about being a parent to a gay son, what you might be able to say to help clarify and ease the situation for your mother, if and when you choose to come out to her.
