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Letter to Dad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Raeil, Jul 1, 2011.

  1. Raeil

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    It's getting close! I have 2 friends I want to come out to, and then it's on to Dad, then Facebook! Speaking of Dad, I just finished writing up my coming out letter to him, and I'd like to know what you guys (and gals, and genderqueers) think. A bit of context is in order.

    So, as far as my Dad knows, I'm doubting the Christian faith and that's pretty much it except for non-related stuff. In actuality, I've completely abandoned the faith and identify as atheist, and on top of that I'm gay! I'm going to come out to him about both in this note, which I plan to give to him right before I leave to spend the night at a (girl) friend's house. I'm planning to print off pamphlets (http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Daughters_Sons.pdf and http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Faith_Families.pdf) and put them on my bed for him to read after he reads my note.

    Just so you know, this is not NEARLY as long as my Facebook coming out note.

    Dear Dad,

    As Mom told you in February (at least I think it was February, since that's when I told her), I'm struggling with my faith. Well, honestly, that's not true anymore, and it wasn't quite true when I told her. By the time I had told Mom that I was struggling, I was already non-Christian, but couldn't come to call myself an atheist. Mostly, that was because I didn't have the capability to say "I'm an atheist" because at that point the only thing I was sure of was that Christianity did not hold the truth. The more I thought about this, the more certain I became of this fact, and the more I became an atheist. I know you, Mom, Sister, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, and Uncle do not believe as I do, but I cannot force myself to believe in something that I do not accept. It would be as difficult for me to say "Christ is Lord" with any hint of truth as it would be for you to say "Allah is Lord" with any hint of truth. I'm sorry if this hurts you, truly I am. However, I would rather you know the truth about my beliefs than carry a false understanding of me. The truth really does set people free, even though it can be as painful as the deepest of lies. Which leads me to the real purpose of this note.

    Because you have not spoken to me at all of this, I am assuming that Mom did not tell you of the other revelation I gave to her in February. It doesn't surprise me that she did not, as it is my secret to tell, but I nearly had a heart attack when you brought up my "doubts" because I assumed she had told you. There's no good way to lead into this, so I'll just say it (well, write it, but you get that). Dad, I'm gay. I'm not interested in girls at all, and I'm definitely gay. Honestly, it's very difficult to write this part, as I cannot possibly anticipate what your exact reaction is at this moment. I hope it is not one of anger, hatred, or disgust, but I cannot be sure of what exact thing you are feeling right now. I know it is difficult to take this in, but again, it is the truth, and when the truth is set free it opens new doors, new paths, and new windows into life. It is my hope that, even if it takes a long time, this part of me will be just as accepted and loved as the rest of me, from my love for math and science, to my love of video games and my love of music. However, I know very well that the road to any sort of acceptance is long, so I will be patient and I will wait no matter the time it takes.

    Now, I'm sure you have some questions, and there's no way that I can answer them all from a note. I'll answer some, and I have two pamphlets printed off on my bed which can hopefully answer others, but I will be home tomorrow to talk with you about this. First off, I'll let you know why I'm not at the house right now. I shouldn't have told Mom anything, for starters. When coming out, it is very helpful to have someone you know will be supportive of your decision to be open as the first. Mom was not supportive, although she was still accepting of me. Admittedly, I didn't intend for her to be the only one to know. I intended to come out completely before March started, but realized very quickly after telling Mom that I was nowhere near ready to open myself up to anyone else. So I apologize for not telling you after telling Mom, but I decided it was better to wait until I had a contingency plan. The reason I'm not home, telling you this in person is because you and Mom have the most to lose from me coming out, and thus there was a slight chance (my calculations came in at 2%, I believe) that you would be angry, and could say something you would never have said if you had not been angry. Thus, to prevent the possibility that we both would get hurt (you would be hurt more than I, I believe), I decided to give you a night to take everything in. I promise, I'll return in the morning, give you a great big hug and talk about anything and everything, but for now I want you to finish this note, read the pamphlets, and talk to Mom about this.

    I suppose I should explain how long I've known about being gay. I'm pretty sure I was around 10 when I came to the realization that I liked looking at boys more than girls, but it took until puberty (12) to realize that my feelings were sexual in nature. Of course, I knew that if anyone found out, I would be stripped of my leadership positions at church, and that you and Mom would both be unable to pursue any sort of ministry. So I prayed every day for my sexuality to change. I "knew" that it was a choice I could make, so I tried to make it every day.

    As far as why I stopped praying to be straight, I had been lying to myself for seven years. Lying to myself and thus to everyone else, all because I wanted to maintain my status as a good Christian. When I asked [College friend] out last October, I was lucky enough for her to say no. As I thought about what could have been I realized that if she had said yes it would have ended with me breaking up with her. I came to understand that I wasn't attracted to her romantically, but in a brother/sister way. Dating would have been fine, but it would have ended disastrously as I would have caused her pain by breaking up with her. My thoughts began to whirl as I realized my mistake, and then it hit me. The part of my brain where I had placed covers of darkness over my sexuality in an attempt to say it was a choice and that I could change it spoke up. "If you keep denying me, you will eventually hurt yourself and those around you." As it spoke, I felt truth in those words. After all, I had dated [HS GF], and that had ended badly with me breaking up with her and causing her pain. So I stopped running. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and mouthed the words "I'm gay," this time without loathing or self-hatred. The darkness in my mind burst open, and I felt free, as if I had been bound
    by chains because of the denial! I knew then that I couldn't "choose" to be straight, that I would have to accept that I am gay, and that's just the way it is.

    The last thing I'd like to address is why you are the final person I'm telling before coming out (as an atheist and as a gay person) on Facebook. I've already told you the logical reasons for why, but I want to dispel an idea that you could be having right now.
    I did not tell you last because I don't trust you. I did not tell you last because I don't love you. I did not tell you last because I didn't think you wouldn't be able to handle it. I told you last because it just made sense to wait. I still love you with all my heart, and I still trust you as my father. I just needed to wait, and build up a group of friends who knew as well. People who, unlike Mom did in February, will not ask how I can approve of homosexuality with the Bible and how I can say that God does not exist. I needed a group to back me up in this severe life change, from Christian to atheist and from closeted gay to openly gay, and you and Mom are not the support group for that. Again, I love you dearly, and I hope you understand why I waited.

    I'd like to remind you, as I close this note, that I'm still Garion. I'm still your son who loved the Vikings just to spite the Cowboy loving family. I'm still the one who used the stick shift in the car on the way home from church one Sunday long ago. I'm still the person who called both you and Mom as soon as I could when I found out I had gotten a perfect ACT score. I'm still that boy who you've come to see choir concerts for for as long as I can remember (which I know had to be boring compared to [Sibling 1 & 2's] games). I'm still me, but now I'm opening up to let you see the part of my I've hidden for my entire teenage life, and I'm making sure you know of the major belief change which I've had. I love you with all my heart, and nothing can change that!

    Now, go read those pamphlets on my bed, and I'll see you tomorrow morning. I hope you sleep well tonight, though I have placed a heavy burden on you. We can talk as long as you like about anything. Good night, and see you in the morning!

    With Love,

    Garion
     
  2. JudasKissedHIM

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    Wow goodluck. I have tears in my eyes. :tears:
    Let me know how it went. (*hug*)
     
  3. GlindaRose

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    That letter is amazing! I hope everything works out well. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  4. theWorldisYours

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    Great letter! I hope everything works out for you. :slight_smile: