I meant to post this a few days ago when I signed up, but it's taken longer than I thought to get my thoughts together. Lack of privacy doesn't help. I've been felling really stressed lately. While a lot of this is realted to being unable to find a job, there are other factors, too. Particularly, the whole "Am I gay?" question. After years of ignoring, justifying, and flat out denying my feelings, I realized that I might actually be attracted to guys. So about five months ago, I decided that I should think about it. I eventually realized that I do, in fact, find guys attractive. So I figured, if I like guys, and I like girls, then I'm probably bi. But now I'm not so sure. Every time I thought about it, I eventually concluded that I liked girls. But as the days passed, it took longer and longer to reach that conclusion, until about a month ago, when I started to think that I might not like girls. I mean, I like girls in general, I think they're attractive and pleasant to look at, but I don't think I'm particularly intrested in them anymore. Which makes me wonder: if I'm gay, why did I seem to like girls in the past? Was I just mistaken about what my feelings towards girls meant? Did I like girls because they were the only ones nice to me back then? Could I have liked girls out of a sense of comraderie? As in, I liked them because the way I act (or rather the way I would have acted if I hadn't supressed my feminine tendencies) seemed so similar to theirs? Or something? And if I really did like them, why aren't I interested now?
Sexuality and orientation is something we have from the get-go, something that is included in our programming when we're young. The journey to "unzipping" that file is sometimes hard and confusing. I would not give much importance to what you might have liked in the past, or what you'll like tomorrow. Care about what you like today and just leave it open: I like what I like. That's the most simple thing you can say and is the best category, that way you'll be fine to like what you like. Good luck and don't stress out
well here's the real questions: did you ever look at women in porn, or even look at straight porn? Which gender do you notice on the street? Do you remember it taking effort to like girls? Here's how I saw it with myself. I never wanted sex with girls. I always looked at guys. I never watched straight porn at all, I never even wanted to experiment. Though I easily tricked myself into believing I was into them. I found that a lot of the time me being into them was me wanting to be their friend. I actually made most of my friends from dating a girl in middle school. When we broke up we became best friends, and I wasn't even out yet, not even to myself! This isn't something we have control over, and it's something we're just born into. Chances are when you were a kid you just didn't know how to interpret the feelings you had for girls and guys when it came to the subject of love. No one can explain what love or a crush really feels like, so you've really got nothing but personal experience to go off.
Taylor's on to something here. Society programs us to be "normal" and to like what the people around us like. As kids, our parents and friends talk about boys having girlfriends and so forth... and those are some pretty powerful messages that we are constantly fed. Also, the mind is incredibly powerful and can pull up all sorts of justifications and rationalizations to keep us from feelings or ideas that are uncomfortable. It is very, very common for gay men to convince themselves they are straight, to go out with girls, and to be in a state of denial that's so strong they can get married and have families... only to realize later that it was all a big mistake and that they were fooling themselves. So if you are finding that you don't feel any real sexual attraction to women, but your attraction to them is because of a sense of kinship... and your sexual attractions are to men... then you are most likely gay and just coming out of the denial of that mindset. You can think about who you look at on the street (or on the beach!), whether you are looking at the guys if you watch straight porn, and whether you're thinking about guys or girls when you masturbate... those will all give you some pretty solid clues as to where your sexuality lies. If the answer is that in those cases you are mostly or always thinking about men, then it's pretty clear you're gay. Also, our mind insulates us from feelings that are unpleasant by denying those feelings, and so it seems likely you're in the process of breaking through that denial. Does the above resonate for you? Are there other factors that influence your feelings about yourself? The more you can talk about what's going on for you, the more quickly it will become clear for you where you are on the spectrum of sexual orientation.
My cat turned off the computer before I could hit post. Now I have to retype this... Anyways, When it comes to porn, I've never found lesbian porn particularly appealing (so, there's two girls, so what?), so most of what I did look at usually had at least one guy. Some times, looking at just the girls did take a little more effort. Thinking about it now, I may have been less interested in the girl, and more interested in how the guy was making her feel. In high school, I found myself oddly attracted to the guys (denied it of course), and even started looking at gay porn (and still told myself I was straight). That's what got me questioning my sexuality in the first place. When it comes to random people on the street, or on TV, my attention usually jumps to the girl first, partly because I'm trying to see if I like them, partly because their clothing tends to be more attention-grabbing. But given time to compare, I think I generally prefer the guy. In a commercial showing a girl in a bikini and a guy in a wetsuit (showing much less skin), I like the guy. Much more. An ice cream ad I saw recently features an attractive girl and a very cute driver with whom I want to lock myself in the back of the truck. I saw an episonde of a TV show in which a girl gets a massage from a cute young man. He told a joke, grinned, and... honestly, that smile knocked me off my feet. I don't remember a girl doing that to me. My interest in girls these days seems more about their clothing than their bodies. But then I'll see a girl with a fantastic body and can't tell just on what level I'm attracted to her. I kind of feel like a bi-curious homosexual. Like, "I'm gay, but I'd go 'straight' for her."
I can totally relate to being really confused about orientation, solarcat. Ever since I was little, I only ever wanted to play with girls, dress as a girl & be a girl. But then when I got older, I started being physically attracted to girls too, which really confused me because, in my mind, I already was a girl. It freaked me out because I really wasn't sure I was gay, straight or lesbian. Even tho I'm pretty sure I'm lesbian, I'm still not entirely sure, even though I'm not attracted to guys at all &, on the odd occaision that I do watch porn, I only watch lesbian porn because I'm not comfortable watching straight or gay porn. It really is a confusing thing that really is something each of us is left to examine...
Remember that while sexuality is pre-programmed, it can be fluid; with some people it varies quite a bit, others hardly at all. For some people it settles down after a while, others they feel that way all their life. As Jay said, don't worry about who you were attracted to, or who you will end up liking; focus on the present and finding someone who clicks with you, regardless of gender.
Seems to me that you're pretty gay It's likely that part of you is trying to be able to hold on to the possibility you might be straight, but from what you're posting it seems pretty clear that your attraction to women is more about just your attention being drawn to them, not actually feeling sexually attracted to them. I think as you think about it and just let yourself be more, it will become more clear... that's the way it is for most people, and the confusion you have is actually very, very common so I wouldn't stress about it.
That sounds absolutely yummy and I want to learn how to bake one. Seems that way. :lol: But sometimes it's hard to "identify" myself, you know? Like last week, I was on the couch watching TV, and I felt like "there's no way I'm gay." Other times, it feels really obvious that I am. Then there are times where I just can't figure out how I feel...
I never really knew anything other than straight while I was growing up and into college. I assumed I'd meet a nice girl and we'd become great friends and then get married. That's all I knew. I was a couple years older than you when I finally realized that I was gay. Prior to that, if a buddy pointed out a "hot girl" I would usually agree, but i wasn't attracted to her, just that I could see that she was good looking. I didn't realize that I was feeling attraction to guys the way they felt toward women. It finally made sense; all the guys that I had admired in high school and college and wanted to be friends with were actually crushes. I wish I had known the truth a lot sooner. I think there's a good chance that you are gay and that's perfectly normal for you. I hope you get the chance to enjoy that part of your life.
I think one of the problems is that I act straight. I think that if I strop trying to censor myself, and just be the occasionally effeminate boy (don't really think of myself as a "guy") that I am, then maybe it'll be easier to find out and accept what I am. But if I do, then it might lead to people (my family) asking me questions I'm not quite ready to answer yet. But I keep worrying I'll slip up and say something really gay, or in a girly manner, and that's starting to stress me out. So I guess I'm glad I can come here, where I feel I can act like I really am, and sort of relieve that stress a little, without worrying that people'll look at me funny.
The notion of a guy impacting you more than a girl ever has, makes me think you lean more towards guys. However there are also fluctuations which make it difficult. At the beach, surrounded by guys and girls I rarely noticed a guy the other day and wondered. Then there are days where the opposite happens. This has led to confusion before I remembered that this ebb & flow is usual to the bi experience.
I think one of the main problems is that there's a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone, but it's hard to tell which it is sometimes. When I think about it, I think I am probably gay. I just need to figure out how gay (right now i think I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey scale).
That always makes it difficult. Plus, I'm an alternating bi - which basically means for me who I notice is like a ridiculous see-saw ride of boy-girl lmaol. I'd say from what you've said above, a 4 or a 5 makes the most sense.
See-saws are usually fun though (unless you can't tell whether you're up or down). My particular see-saw seems to be settling around somewhere between 4.5 or 5.5- I'd probably consider myself more gay than bi.
I can relate a bit to thrid paragraph of your original post: I found that I was 'into' girls because that was all there was, but having 'discovered' guys in the past few years, they seem more interesting, fresh and exciting. Kinda like using the same sandwhich filling for years then discovering a new one you can try as well, it's newer and fresher and you want to spend more time with it.
I... don't spend that much time with sandwich filling... But I think I get what you're saying. I feel like I spent my whole life liking mayonaise, but now that I've tried Miracle Whip, I'm not so sure I care for mayo anymore. (mayo= girls, MW= boys, though I haven't had the chance to "try" them yet)
