So, I've been dating a guy who is in the closet from all family and friends. I'm def his first boyfriend. He lives and works with his family. There is 9 years seperating us. So far, we have gotten along well, never really argue but I am afraid if I am pressuring him too much or maybe the other way around. I do love the guy alot and see alot of potential, we are both the same, but different. I found out about 4-5 months into the relationship he is HIV positive and he did not tell me, I found the medicine when looking for vitamins on a trip. It might have made some people mad, but I understand how hard it must have been for him. He got it from ONE guy who he had sex with ONCE. It was a terrible experience for him and for maybe 4-5 years he has had no sex. My concern is that I might get to see him at most one time a week, but the slow speed has made it healthier for us I believe. He cant seem to talk much when around family, which I don't understand. I mean...I'm not calling to have phone sex or something...but, i accept when he says he gets scared. The other night we were at the movies in his hometown and i heard him behind me talking to a friend. I just stood there at the kiosk pretending i could not get the machine to work. I was afraid of both turning around and being dismissed and afraid of putting him in a weird situation. At that moment I felt like I was in the closet. I'm afraid to facebook him anything. We have a mutual friend (who is gay and he saw my bf at a gay bar, he can put 2 and 2 together) but he asked me to block him from facebook cause there were pics of us together. My main concern is that we dont spend much time together so i asked for more "communication" (phone) he has worked at it, but its not great. To his credit though...he is more free at gay bars and in my gay hood. This weekend in NYC he reached out to hold my hand...so, i know he is making progress but I am afraid to relay how i really feel because i do not want him to feel i am pressuring him out of closet...thats the last time i want.
Well, you say there's a 9 year difference in age, and i'm assuming he's the younger one in the relationship. You don't say how old either of you are, but maybe he's just not at a point in his life where he's ready to come out to everyone. To be honest, I don't really think you should date this guy if he's in the closet completely still. It would be one thing if his parents didn't know or something and he didn't live with them, but he can't really share any part of his life with you if he's hiding you from everyone else... Also, i'm not quite sure I understand this movie situation. You went to the movies with him but it sounded like you were both at the movies, he was with friends and you were just in the same theater? Also, the HIV thing sounds kindof odd... not telling you for 4 - 5 months of dating that he's got HIV is a big deal. I understand not telling right away because you don't want people to run just because you have HIV, but that's a really serious thing and your partner deserves to know before he gets TOO involved, because it could lead to majorly broken hearts.
I'm gonna be honest here. You can't and shouldn't try to force him out of the closet, but if he's in that deep, I would get out of there. What kind of healthy relationship can you have if you can't talk freely or go places together? So, that's one thing. The other thing is, this guy put your life at risk by not telling you he's HIV positive. I know you said you're not mad...but damn. It must be so difficult to tell people, especially people you care about, that you're HIV positive, and I get that, but STILL. I don't think him not telling you is something to just dismiss. I know I wouldn't if I accidentally found out my girlfriend is HIV positive. When was he planning on telling you?
This guy seems like he has some real issues. I'm still in the closet so I sympathize with that, but eventually I plan on coming out so I won't have to hide anything. It will be hard for you to have a serious relationship if he insists on secrecy. He seems like kind of a sad person. However, I would be REALLY angry if I found out someone I was dating was hiding the fact that they were HIV positive from me. HIV is a terrible thing and has a terrible stigma, but there isn't an excuse for endangering others. He put you at risk which isn't fair to you.
You are being a really understanding person and I think is shows that you're trying to find a real relationship with substance. I don't think you are being pushy at all but a little push every now and then isn't a bad thing like when you told him you wanted more contact through phone conversations. It sounds like your understand your boyfriend and that's cool. HIV is a touchy subject and everyone deals with it differently but not freaking out might have been the best thing to do for him. He feels he's under a lot of pressure and dealing it in the way you did I think opened his eyes a little bit and showed him you want to be there for him. You are doing a lot emotionally on your part and as long as you are open and honest with each other I think you can get through this.
