1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

self harming help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Techcompu2, Jul 2, 2011.

  1. Techcompu2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    ok, within the past couple days, i started dating for the first time, while that is all and good, and the guy is nice, he self harms, and i am looking for some advice...

    ok he self harms because of stuff that happened with a past girlfriend (he's bi). he lied to her to get her to love him, stole 32000 dollars so and told her he worked for it, had sex with her, betrayed her trust and, cut himself because she dumped him then, ran away. he has since returned and faced the punishment for his actions, yet he feels his life is worthless until she at least forgives him and befriends him. after all this happened, he apparently made a promise to himself that he must suffer until she forgives him.

    he constantly has nightmares (apparently he has never had a good dream) and in all of them he dies and walks on his own grave. is some of these, he will hurt himself while asleep, and doesnt know it because of his high pain threshold that built up because of all this. he has even slit his wrists while dreaming before. He told me that he has gone to therapy, tried pills, hypnosis etc, and nothing has helped the dreams.

    today (the 2nd) is the second day we have been together. yesterday, after i left his house, apparently there was some type of grease fire accident at his house that caused him to get a burn on his leg. i somewhat jokingly offered to kiss it and make it better, but he said 'no, i must suffer.'

    before we got together, none of his family knew about him being bi, and he says his dad is very homophobic. after i left his house yesterday his sisters somehow found out about us, and were making fun of it to him. i asked him if he thought they would mention it to his parents, and he said 'idk, but if they tell dad, i will get the crap beat out of me.'
    i told him that if that happens, he could probably stay in one of our guest rooms, he said 'no i have to suffer.' and a bit later on he was like 'what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.'

    i have little doubt that he could handle the pain etc, but i also still kinda worry about it all. any advice on what to do?
     
  2. MyDecember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    268
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Though I do feel for your boyfriend my first thought was actually about you. You wont be able to have a meaningful relationship if his actions keep up the way they do. The forgiveness he is looking for is the priority in his life. He is obviously not in the right state of mind and is a harm to himself as well as others. This is not something that will get better over a month or 6 months. I hate to say it but in the eyes of the law (at least in my state) he would be institutionalized/ Baker acted . He needs some serious help before his actions turn darker than they already are.
     
  3. Techcompu2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    exactly. i am unsure of all the laws here, but i know that all of this is no good. i tried convincing him that he suffers enough just by not being in touch with her, and so i thought he shouldnt self harm, but he didnt go for it. if i am not mistaken, all this stuff with his ex happened a few months ago, so he may have been doing this since then. im not quite sure what type of serious help he needs, and also am unsure if i would be able to get it for him (as i have no job etc), and whats sad is i doubt his family would be much help there.

    thanks for at least trying to help :slight_smile:
     
  4. Mogget

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2010
    Messages:
    2,397
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England
    Is your friend religious? This seems like a spiritual problem that would best be addressed by a pastor/priest/rabbi/cleric.
     
  5. Techcompu2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    i dont really think he is :-/
     
  6. MyDecember

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    268
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Then IMO the best thing you can do now at the moment is be there for him but on a level that doesn't cause him more stress than he is now. Stay friends until this situation is resolved. The more longer the relationship, the more it is going to remind him of his past relationship and the harder it is going to be for you to be with him. You might end up getting wrapped up in this situation as well. Keep a bond/relationship but keep your distance as well. I'm just overly cautious when it comes to things like this. If he is enrolled in college there might actually be a therapist or Clinical psych centers for free but for students
     
  7. Techcompu2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    thanks for the advice, it sounds like that might be the best thing to do. that is assuming his dad hasnt done anything to him today... i was playing xbox with him last night/this morning, and then he suddenly went offline (around 6:30 am), and i havent heard anything form him all day. if he is alright and just been un able to contact me, then i think i will follow your advice
     
  8. Aya McCabre

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    448
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wellington, New Zealand
    This is probably going to make me unpopular.... but you need to know when to cut and run. Not saying that it needs to be now or that it has to happen, but people like that have potential to drag others down if they get too involved. Just make sure you keep an eye on your own health and don't let yourself put him first if it's causing problems for you.
     
  9. Mogget

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2010
    Messages:
    2,397
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England
    There's a middle ground between cutting and running and getting over-involved. It's not hard to walk. Just be aware of your own boundaries and back away when it gets too much. I do it with a few people here on EC. Obviously it's harder IRL, but it's still totally doable. The last thing your friend needs is for his friends to get scared and abandon him.
     
  10. Techcompu2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2007
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    i agree and see both of your points. i will be sure to keep an eye on things, and be careful with it all. Thanks everyone for the advise :slight_smile: