I had a really close friend for about 10 years, lets call her K. Our friendship was one that you dream about, nothing was a secret and did everything together. Things went sour a few years ago when she started dating this guy who was way too controlling. Long story short, he said she couldnt see me anymore and she agreed to that. I was devastated, I just had my best friend torn out of my life for what I consider a pretty lame reason. So, because I was at this point, very close to the entire family I still came around and eventually became really close with K's sister. She can be called N. N and I grew to be very close. We vacationed together, hung out, cried together. She was my life, I wouldnt trade her for any friend in the world. However, like K, N started dating a guy that is doing the same stuff as K's boyfriend. It got to the point were I wasnt allowed to call her cell, couldnt show up at the house. Yes I consider her house my house too, thats how close I am to this family. We went to California together and she deleted all of our photos because she didnt want her boyfriend to find out. For the past few months our relationship has been strained so bad. She knows it and I do too. She even said that its wrong for her to do this and yet she still continues to follow him blindly. Moving to this week, I asked if she was busy on monday or tuesday. She had to work but made a huge deal that I texted her phone. The I received this message: "D you know I love you so much. but i cant screw up with W. So im asking you to never text my phone again and i deleted you off FB. Please understand that I will always love you its just W. means the world to me. I know its crazy." Because this has happened to me before I know where all this is going. And to be honest I cant handle losing someone else like this. So to prevent losing her this was my reply: "yup it is crazy. Goodbye N. I cant handle going thru this again. Best of luck to you." I intend for the two of us to grow apart. I just feel terrible about the whole thing. She tried calling me several times the following day to which I didnt answer, and I havent heard from her since. I know I can call her and we can have a good chat and "fix" things for now. But I know eventually she is going to ripped out of my life. I think im doing the right thing to protect myself however, i still feel like im doing a terrible thing to her.
My only question is this. In both cases, I see this wonderful perfect relationship with these two women, but the only reference to the boyfriends is that they're "controlling". So I need to ask - did you accept these boyfriends into the circle? Were you accepting of the fact that boyfriend/girlfriend relationships tend to be the dominate ones? Did you start inviting K/N AND her boyfriend to do all the things you used to do together? Or did you view the boyfriend's as an adversary from the get-go? Did you consider them rivals for your "K/N time", and start thinking along the "bros before hos" lines? It may be just as you say. That both boyfriends are utter control freaks, and don't want any other guy (gay or otherwise) spending time with "their woman". But it could be that you started drawing the battle lines early on, perhaps without even meaning to. I've been close to several women over the years, and when they get boyfriends, I know immediately it'll mean less "just her'n'Lex" time. Kind of a bummer, but I don't mind having "her'n'her boyfriend'n'Lex" time instead. And yeah, sometimes the boyfriends are dicks. And if they really are (and I've given him a couple chances, just in case I caught him on a bad day), I'll say something. "Honestly, I don't get along with your boyfriend much." And then I give them the space to work it out. What can you do? Not much. Maybe send a message that says "I'm sorry you feel like you have to choose between me and him. I'm happy if he makes you happy. But I'd like to think any guy worthy of you would be secure enough to know that having friends doesn't pose any risk to his relationship with you." Then, leave it alone. Lex
With K's boyfriend I most certainly was accepting of his presence. It took more time for K to eventually fall into all this to the point where I was pushed aside. However, with N, her boyfriend refuses to hang out. My thought at one point was that if we could all hang out he might actually realize im not a threat and things would be ok. I see your point but, never have I gotten upset or mad at someone for being in a relationship. Whether it be my cousins or various friends in high school. That being the other portion, we are all adults. I dont see why its such a big deal for her to have guy friends. Meh maybe Im too trusting of people so I cant understand why anyone would have to control somebody else. Thanks for the reply Lex. more munchies for the mind.
IMHO, you can be a gay man and be very close to a woman and be best friends but most times, when the girl gets in a relationship, everything changes. Most straight women are looking for the husband and when the boyfriend feels threatened by your relationship (And they almost always do), they (girl) have to make a choice. Unfortunately for the gay man, it is not good and they will chose what they see in the future (kids, husband, etc). I have been in the same situation a couple of times, Men are very territorial and do not like their gals loving someone more than themselves and it usually comes down to an ultimatum between the best gay friend and them. (Maybe... put yourself in the same situation and think that you love a man with all your heart and he has a straight best friend that he confides in and spends a lot of time with..) That may help to see how they think. Time helps and you will eventually be fine. Believe that and everything will work out for you. I wish you well.
Sounds like they are just meatheads that just don't want their woman hanging out with another guy.They are probably homophobics too. i've seen this plenty of times,that they will give up their best friend if the guy doesn't like them. I don't believe it's right for your friend to cut you off for their so called "soulmate". Although I can't see it though their eyes and have never been in that position,I know that if i ever was,i would tell my man that if they can't accept my friend then they can't have me.If my friend wanted to hide me from their future "life",I would think that they were pretty shallow in not telling the guy off. I wish I could help you if my rant didn't do it. Just follow your heart,whether it be going with how she wants it,or telling her how you truly feel and ending the relationship. Just saying if it was me,I wouldn't stand for it and let her know that if he can't accept her friends,then what choices will she have in the future and who would want to be with a guy that won't let her have what she already has and wants to keep? Good luck friend!!!!!!(*hug*)(*hug*)
That phrase that N wrote: "I will always love you it's just that W means the world to me;" it's a giant red flag! It signifies that she loves you conditionally. Her love for her boyfriend does not justify hiding and denying her friendship with you. You deserve mutual loyalty from friends. I think your text response back was very reasonable. It was assertive without being spiteful. Supposing you run into her by chance, you still have the option of greeting her diplomatically without starting anything. I admit I am biased because I had a vaguely similar experience. I tried to stay friends with this emotionally manipulative girl that I had trusted, but things never improved. Finally I stopped hanging around her and only had gave short responses to her greetings so as not to be too mean and ignore her completely. Ultimately I made the right choice because I felt better about myself for learning how to be independent from her expectations of me.
Thank you all for your replies. I think Im going to let it ride as I left it in my text. It hurts but, as you all said I dont see it to be fair that im a hidden part of someones life... Shit I just got over hiding a huge part of myself I dont want somebody else doing it.... :0
