1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

So after much deliberation...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by whatmi, Jul 2, 2011.

  1. whatmi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I've come to the conclusion that I'm Bi.

    It's been really confusing, with emotional upheaval, but ultimately; I can't deny that I have at least some attraction to both sexes. It was kind of an inner-battle at first, I thought that if I liked men then I couldn't like women, and visaversa. Yet, it just kind of feels like I'm not completely satisfied unless I'm in both worlds.

    Now comes the hardest part, coming out. First question is, do I have to? Do I owe this to people in my life or can this be a private matter, at least for the time being? I don't expect to move outside of my current relationship any time soon (with a woman). I suppose it all comes down to what I'm comfortable with?

    I'd appreciate someone else who is Bi to comment. How difficult was it to come to terms with being both ways? Were you at first confused, thought you were gay, but went back to women? That's sort of the way It's been for me.

    Thanks for everything, and these forums and the awesome mods and kind folk.
     
  2. Fiddledeedee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2011
    Messages:
    955
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    You never have to come out to anyone; your sexuality is one of the most personal things about you. Don't come out before you want to and remember that almost everyone will come out slowly, carefully choosing who to tell. You never have to come out, though.

    Why am I coming out, then? I feel that it ensures people like me for who I am, not who they think I am. Hard as coming out is, I also think that it will be easier in the long term than staying closeted.

    Was I confused when I began questioning? Yes, very. This was mostly due to a lack of education about being bi; I had only heard the term once, thought it was a choice, wasn't even sure if it existed. I knew I wasn't gay, but I also wasn't straight. I tried to like just boys, then just girls, but almost instantly I could tell that either of those was right. I had a very brief denial period; the most difficult thing for me was wondering how my church would react. Before that I also thought that I would never tell anyone, but to me it seems so right to tell people.

    If you haven't already, you might want to look at the "What's your story?" thread.
     
  3. whatmi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    ^ Hey, you're a wise lady. I appreciate it very much. I feel a little ashamed it took me so long to grasp it, and I'm still kinda coming to terms with it. I'm quite a bit older than you, so kudos.

    Wish you a happy and fulfilling life. And yeah, I did just lose the game.
     
  4. TraceElement

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2011
    Messages:
    983
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Rochester, NY
    Now comes the hardest part, coming out. First question is, do I have to?
    You don't have to. I know that when I came out, it felt like there was a weight off my shoulder and I didn't have to hide behind a mask anymore.

    Do I owe this to people in my life or can this be a private matter, at least for the time being?
    You don't "owe" anything to anyone. Especially when you are coming to terms with your sexuality, I find that it is often a private thing.

    I suppose it all comes down to what I'm comfortable with?
    Yes. But, from personal experience, once you have a close friend or 2 supporting you, it will be easier to be comfortable with more people knowing about you.

    How difficult was it to come to terms with being both ways?
    For me, it was hard accepting I liked women, since I was brought up in town that was big enough to be accepting yet small enough to still have an air of "THAT" stigma of the LGBT community. It's hard to explain. But, I finally told my self "fuck it. You are who you are. No one can change you." That took time for me to accept.

    Were you at first confused, thought you were gay, but went back to women?
    If I am understanding this correctly, yes. I did think I was Kinsey 0 for a while, then realized that I was interested in women, immediately thought I was Kinsey 6, not "realizing" or understanding the middle ground.
     
  5. Fiddledeedee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2011
    Messages:
    955
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Glad I made you loose the game, whatmi! :wink:

    There is nothing to be ashamed of in realising your sexuality sooner or later than other people. It would be kind of freaky if everyone realised at the same time! However old you are, I hope that your life until now has been good and that it will cotinue to get better until the end if your days. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Bibliophile

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2011
    Messages:
    482
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    Ok lets start with do you have to. No not at all. This is a highly personal thing and something that you must define for yourself before you can share it once you are ready. Now I do suggest if you start wanting to explore this area of yourself you talk to your girlfriend even if its just a fantasy you have. It could cause some issues if you try to deny a want like that should it ever come up though it may not.

    Now was it hard to admit that I like men? Yes very, I was sexually abused as a child by an adult male and that made coming to terms with liking men very hard for me. It made the few encounters I have had very tense even with being fueled by drink. However in the end I have comes to terms with it and it is just as much a part of me as my liking women.

    I never thought I was gay but then again I have always been fascinated by sexuality in general so I have done a ton of reading on the matter and just figured that I was bi but leaning towards men for a while. I read the book Bisexuals guide to the universe when I first started to admit I liked men too and it really helped. So that part was least confusing to me.
    If you have any more questions feel free to ask please do and good luck in your journey.
     
  7. whatmi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks everyone. You've been a great help.
     
  8. bookworm43

    bookworm43 Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2011
    Messages:
    112
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    you don't have an obligation to come out- you should take as much time as you need. :slight_smile: