Hi - My first post outside the "Intro" section - hopefully someone will reply! Lately I've realized that while I don't judge OTHER gay and lesbian people, I judge MYSELF for being a lesbian. I feel like I can accept others but not myself, like there is something wrong with me, sometimes I question whether I am some sort of dirty perverted freak of nature for being attracted to women. But I don't think this about others at all. It makes no sense. So it's okay when OTHERS are gay but not me? I'm not out to my mom (you'll see why) and what she said the other day is that gay marriage should not be legalized because it's wrong to be gay. Why? Because it's unnatural and the human race would end if too many people were gay. Ugh. I was thinking it might be okay to come out to her finally, but clearly not after that episode. I somehow didn't think she would care. So when I heard her say that, I stopped and totally questioned all over again whether it was "okay" to be gay. She had told me about gay couples at work, etc and never seemed to have any issues with it... until her true feelings came out with the marriage issue. I'm just so angry. Why am I crushed under guilt right now for being ME? Why do I still believe I'm flawed? I thought I had accepted it because my thinking was: I'm not the problem, being gay isnt the problem, society is the problem. Others are the problem. It's not always ok to be out because other people have a problem with it and are misguided, not because I should be ashamed that something is "wrong" with me. And I just keep going back and forth, back and forth. How do we get off the self-loathing train???
great post. im actually on the self loathing train and have been on it for quite some time. its a back and forth. i try and tell myself, "you're a good person, you're ok, people like you". and then i'll see a straight couple, my friends will ask me to hang out at straight clubs, all the guys will comment about the anatomy of a woman, my friends are getting married and having kids....all of these makes me feel like crap. makes me feel wrong for having these feelings and there's so much shame. it so sensationalized in the media whenever someone is suspected of being gay. it sends a message to me that: being gay is something to be blogged about, laughed out, grilled about and that its bad. that hurts and makes it hard for me to ever have any self esteem about this whole thing. coupled with the fact that i'm single and lonley. i mean, overall it just hurts.
Oh my darling, I was literally coming here to say something just like this and saw your post and broke down in tears! I know exactly what you mean. Luckily I don't have a mum like yours to make things worse (although I'm not out to mine either) but other than that we're on the same wavelength lovely! I have no problem whatsoever with other gay or Trans people. I love them in the same way that I love any other person (sometimes more, who doesn't like camp?). But when it comes to myself I'm screwed. I despise myself. It's like some cancerous disease or a mill-stone around my neck, it physically hurts, and I’m disgusted by what I see. I've only recently 'come out' to my friends because I didn't think it was an issue but I realise now that it was just me avoiding the issue and my own feelings of guilt. Sometimes I feel like I cannot cope. I thought this was the only aspect of my life where I was in control (after all queerness is not an issue) but it turns out this is one of my main problems... I don't really have any answers regarding self-love and acceptance since I'm going through the same thing. But keep chugging along honey. Things will be okay, and even when things get really lousy one of the things I've learned is that even if you don't love yourself it is your love for other people and their love for you that makes life worth living.
Coming out isn't always a linear process. It's a lot like a roller coaster: you'll zoom forward, inch upward, plummet downward, loop-de-loop back to somewhere you were before, etc. In the Cass Identity Development model, Stage 3 is Identity Tolerance, which is where you admit that you are gay, even if you're not OK with it. Stage 4 is Identity Acceptance, where you're finally OK with being gay/lesbian. It took me a year and a half to finally reach Stage 4, and what helped was seeing a psychological counselor at my school. An outside, gay-affirming perspective really allowed me to recognize how I had internalized my homophobia into my habitual train of thought, and now I am able to feel a lot better about myself on a regular basis. On stressful days, or during weeks where I'm wearing thin, of course I'll feel down on myself like I'm in Stage 3. It's pretty normal. Society IS the problem! There is nothing wrong with who you are! Whenever you're feeling down on yourself, repeat that to yourself, and trust in yourself that it is true. Being gay is NOT the issue.
Yeah I know what you mean. I'm having a rough time accepting myself completely. I just started seeing a psychologist because after nearly a year and a half I realized I'm just not getting anywhere, and I'm going in mental circles. I got sick of it - my life is going nowhere. But, I'm glad I finally reached out to the psychologist. I was having such a hard time even writing down on the intake sheet anything about being gay, that's how much of a mental hole I'm in. Thankfully after the first session I can see cracks in the walls of my mental block. I need to get past this, otherwise I'll just waste my whole life away feeling scared, anxious, and upset about everything.
(*hug*) i totally understand how you feel. and i know a few people have already given you a few psychological reasons on why being gay is ok, but i feel like being factual at the moment, so i shall tell you that it IS natural to be gay. just ask the penguins. believe it or not, penguins and a bunch of other animals partake in homosexual activity. if that's not damming evidence that being gay is natural, i don't know what is. hang in there!!
The human population is nowhere near going extinct, just saying. But other than that I get where you're coming from as well. I feel like its keeping me from realizing who I really am, which makes everything more confusing. I'm going to keep an eye on this thread because its uncannily similar to me. Good luck
I mostly feel kind of embarrassed of the fact that I like girls. I don't think there is anything morally wrong with it or that its something to be ashamed of though. I feel like I am making my own life harder by being gay, as well.
When I was first thinking about my sexuality, the idea of being gay felt so nice and beautiful, yet I hated the idea of actually being it. I thought that I was maybe enjoying same sex fantasies a little too much and that I would grow up to be straight. Well despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop thinking about it and despite some dislike against myself and my sexuality, I finally started coming around to the idea of being gay. That took at least three or four years. That being said, I think a lot of people have to come out to themselves first before anyone else.
I hear you, man. Sometimes I'll think along the lines of why do I deserve to be in a relationship? I should just be happy with all the good things that I do have and not be greedy and expect more. It seems crazy how so many people are driven by an unstoppable force to get into relationships. Often they proceed to make terrible decisions and get pregnant or disease and stay with people who are abusive and/or scuzzbag. Even with all that people keep doing it and I think why can't they wait for someone decent? It's more normal to be gay and dating than to have never dated anyone by my age. Yet I've done very little to change anything in the past 12 years. Is that internalized homophobia? Probably :eusa_doh:
Hey I know loads of people have already said but - I sort of feel the same. I think some days it's really bad and then some days I actually feel ok about it. It's like I'm ashamed of it, or just hate it. It just doesn't feel like a good thing. I'm sure it'll get better (as everyone always says - it's become my motto :L) Anyway, as far as the whole "it's unnatural to be gay" thing, as bookworm43 said, this really isn't true. There are 1,500 different animal species in which homosexual behaviour has been observed and there are actually more gay giraffes than there are straight ones! Here's the article if you don't believe me: HowStuffWorks "Animal Sexuality" Google it and you'll find loads more stuff on it. It doesn't just say that there are lots of homosexual animals, it explains how it can be a benefit to a species (like some monkeys have homosexual relationships to strengthen social bonds or something, it still plays a purpose in nature) and also, just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't reproduce. In the article it talks about how animals will have heterosexual sex to reproduce but then their long time partner will be of the same sex or they will have homosexual sex for pleasure the rest of the time and there are many other examples of how other species still reproduce/raise young when gay - we have adoption and surrogacy and IVF and a whole host of different ways that a gay couple can still have children/reproduce. And as far as the human race dying out goes - 6.93 billion people sounds pretty safe to me, I'm sure we can afford some people to be gay... Sorry that was a bit long, but in conclusion: tell your mother she's talking nonsense (no disrespect )
You guys are awesome, thanks for the responses! And yes, I think we should be a little more concerned about overpopulation than the human race going extinct from too many gay people. The examples in nature are a really strong argument too. And I can see where homosexuality serves several different social functions. Not having biological children could leave some individuals more available to be caretakers to elderly parents, to help raise nieces and nephews and to adopt children without unplanned bio kids taking up all their available time, attention, and resources. That's just me thinking from a totally biological standpoint, so don't think I'm saying we shouldn't have our own kids So the problem isn't in my logical mind. I just don't know how I can't feel bad about myself with so much hate and fear being slung around. I like to think I'm a strong person that is smart enough not to take all the criticism and arguing in the media personally but overhearing homophobic comments from my family, so-called friends and co-workers? Makes me feel ashamed, and super self-conscious ALL the time. And to know that I can LEGALLY be discriminated against in my state really does make me feel sick to my stomach and question myself, EVEN THOUGH I really believe that it won't be like that forever with the strides we've been making. I think part of the reason I can accept and support others but not myself is because I can use my logical mind when it concerns others, but my emotions get the better of me when I'm thinking/talking about myself. To know that some people might not want me working with their kids bc I'm gay? To know that my kids may face discrimination/teasing at school because I'm gay? Guilt, shame. It just takes so much out of me to keep getting up and going and living with this every day... and angry that this part of me isn't something I should have to "live with." It should just be another part of who I am, not like a medical condition or something. And Markio, I love how positive you are!
I understand what you are saying here. A large part of my denial was not because I thought that same-sex attraction was wrong, but rather the intense fear of judgment and rejection from other people. I'd always wonder if my friends would leave me for fear that I might hit on them or something. For most of my life, I have been very concerned with what others thought of me. I wanted for people to have a good opinion of me. I don't think I could ever be one of those people that are just like "Screw you!". I too feel like its somewhat unfair that on top of all my other problems I have to deal with being gay as well. However, I have gotten very fed up with living for other people. I have never been able to be free and express who I truly am. I'm pretty tired of being unhappy. I'm finally getting to where I don't care about other people's thoughts about me so much. I think part of it is that I now realize how very wrong and oppressive homophobia really is. You aren't bad for being gay, its just that anti-gay people need to mind their own business and realize that we are human beings too.
