I'm having a rough moment right now and am hoping to get a second or third opinion on the subject. So I've been dating someone for just over a week now and we are unofficial. We've really been texting a lot, flirting through text, and going out on several dates. The only problem is that on some of our dates he doesn't seem to show any affection. Although he is out and I'm closeted, he says that he isn't comfortable with public display of affection. When we are alone however, things are totally the opposite. I thought that perhaps he was just afraid of homophobes but even at gay events, he seemed very distant. Perhaps he just wants to be friends in public and date in private. Or perhaps I'm too clingy? And by public display of affection, I mean subtle displays (so not like holding hands or kissing) maybe a short shoulder rub, or a flirt here and there. I don't know how to interpret this issue. Any advice would be appreciated....
I wouldn't worry, my current boyfriend and I (we've been going out for a year already) are very much like that, the most we do is briefly hold hands or just touch each other tenderly on the back or arm, things like that. We will only hug or be more intimate when there's no one around. But alone, we're very close, we spend a lot of the time in contact. Some people don't like PDAs as much, my boyfriend is one such person, so they can seem to be very distant sometimes; and it's only been a week, I don't think he can be rushed, perhaps he's still just getting used to you? You could ask him if he's into PDAs or not, perhaps not directly, but start it as a general conversation, maybe prompted by seeing two others having a PDA?
The most concerning part is he's uncomfortable with PDA even at gay friendly events. It's like when someone walks by (perhaps someone he knows) he'll take a couple steps away from me maybe afraid that people would know we are dating. I don't know, my mind is running a mile a minute and I don't know what to think. I'm just afraid he might not share the same feelings that I have for him. But thanks for your input... it'd put me at ease. Thanks
My bf and I the closest we come to pdas are like sitting next to one another on the bus close, and maybe walking a LITTLE closer to each other than most guys would do on the street. We don't show PDAs, not that I would mind, but he's frankly just being wary. As much as I hate to say it, the world's still a dangerous place for us, and we do need to be careful. A gay man who was 6'7'' was bashed in Toronto towards the beginning of June, so if someone who is THAT tall is still bashed, well...there ya go.
That's very unfortunate... If only the world could be like this ---> YouTube - PINK DOT 2011: SUPPORT THE FREEDOM TO LOVE - 18 JUNE 2011‏
I agree with Rosina—some people just aren't into PDA for whatever reason. But if it is something that troubles you, even if it's just because you want to know why he's not so open with you at gay things, then now is a good time to talk about it. Letting it brew will not do either of you any good.
Some people, including me, would not show same-sex PDA for social, safety, and reputation reasons. I'm almost positive it's not anything personal, perhaps he doesn't want to out himself to strangers and/or people he knows.
*insert big fat AHWWW here* ... AHWWW. I liked it :3 --- On the main topic, though: I really don't like seeing PDA from anyone, regardless of orientation status. It really bugged me when I was single, of course, but it still kinda bugs me now. I think the big reason is because my boyfriend refuses to do anything affectionate in public (due to past verbal abuse and his want for me to never have to experience it), and so I hate when other couples get to be all lovey-dovey and I can't. Jealousy, maybe? Iunno. It's weird. :\
I would definitely give it some more time before you make any judgments. Get to know him a little bit more. But not being completely comfortable with PDAs isn't just limited to the LGBT community. My girlfriend and I don't really like to kiss or hold hands when around friends. It's not because we're scared, it's more that we don't want other people to feel uncomfortable. All of my friends talk about how much they hate it when another couple just can't keep their hands off of each other and then it just becomes awkward for everyone. This is not to say that we never show any PDA, but we try to keep it at a minimum. So finding out what limits your boyfriend has will just take some time, so don't worry.
My girlfriend and I aren't HUGE into PDA, but it honestly depends on the situation. Most times we hold hands in public, but hugging/kissing/etc, not unless we're at home or with just our friends/family. We honestly haven't talked about it, that's just how it's been. I might consider more PDA (you know, the kind that isn't even blinked at if it's a straight couple) if I was sure that it wouldn't cause us problems, but again, it would be something I'd have to talk about with my girlfriend. I don't have anything against PDA in anyone really, as long as people aren't making out all over the place and being gross about it. It would be nice to not have to be constantly aware of what everyone around us might think of us though. As for VentinIntrovert's issue, you're definitely going to need to talk to your boyfriend about this, don't just let it fester if you're worried. It sounds TO ME like this is more than just a PDA thing. I mean, not holding hands because you're worried it's not safe--OK, that I get, but not ever touching each other or even flirting when you're out even at gay friendly places? That seems off to me. BUT, take that with a grain of salt, I don't know either of you, obviously...
Totally hear you actually. When I see couples holding hands...frankly even if I see my parents do so when on vacation, I get frustrated inside. It's just like...why should you have the right to be able to do that in public and I don't have that same right? Don't do it in front of me if you can't handle it from certain other groups of people.
i wouldn't worry about it too much. if you guys are super affectionate in private, it doesn't sound like you guys are cooling off at all. some people just aren't comfortable with pda, and that's ok, if he shows that he cares about you.
I haven't had a boyfriend, but I have a feeling that I would be uncomfortable showing public display of affection. I feel a little uncomfortable seeing anyone, gay or straight showing off PDA and only because I find it to be showman like. Maybe it's not, but I can't ever see myself showing it in public and hopefully my future partner will respect that. Definitely an interesting topic though.
