Idk what to call this. Let's just say I have a lot on my chest

Hi,

I'm 17 about to be a junior in high school and my life is complicated ( understatement ). My mom divorced my stepdad and that was her second marriage. So she moved me And my sisters from Michigan to Arizona a few months ago. When I was in the eighth grade I wrote in my journal that I thought I was gay. My mom put me in counseling instantly. I wasn't out to myself then so there was no way I was gonna tell some stranger what was on my mind. So I convinced my mom I wasn't gay. My ninth grade year I had a semi long distance relationship with a boy that I met at camp at first it was just two guys talking all day long on the phone, texting, Facebook. I thought he was straight becuz he dated my sister but they broke up way before me and this guy were friends. So I told him I liked him and we went from there. We dated for five months then my mom found out so my mom took me back to the Christian counselor and i had to put on my straight face again to convince them I was straight. I wasnt allowed to see my friend again we still secretly talk and he still likes me but right now he's a thousand miles away. that year I came out to my best friend. I don't have very many friends because I have gone to a new school every year but I've always kept in touch with this one friend. When I told her she appeared to be very happy and accepting and she always helped me through everything. Then on Christmas eve she kissed me and I kinda freaked. One cause I didn't know she felt that way and two it messed with my head because I knew I liked boys. I ignored it for her sake but on the inside I was confused. We continued to hangout. And that summer i don't really remember what happened but we got naked and into a bed but we didn't have sex we just made out i wasn't turned on I dont even know why or how I let it get that far it just did. Every day she fell harder for me and i just wanted to be friends. She tried to kill herself. I caught her before she could. She is distancing herself from me this summer and no longer wants to be friends because I like boys. My sister is really nosy and wanted to know why i was always in some sort of trouble so she asked me one day why i don't talk to my guy friend any more then I said I wasn't allowed to. then she just said are you gay before I could answer she said she broke up with him because he was gay and because he told her he like me. Then she said you dont have to answer I Already know I've always known. I never could hide anything from her we're only a yr and a half a part and are really close. But even with her support I feel so alone . And since my mom is so religious I cannot talk to her. I went to a Christian private school and I was so alone I had no one to talk to. People judged me and I wasn't even out. no one eventried to know me. I tried playing sports and joining clubs at school and I tried being friendly but still no friends. I'm going to a new school in the fall as a junIor and I want to know how to make at least one friend before college.

 

Thanks for the comments they really helped