Hi, My dad is one of those "manly" kinda guys. You know, like the kind that played football in highschool and wanted a son just like that. Well I'm not anything like that, I'm into art, music and reading. I feel I cannot talk to him we seem to have nothing in common.He knows I'm gay and he says he's ok with it but when I told him he looked disappointed and like he could have done better. He makes me feel idk um like crap sometimes he says things like " a normal boy wouldnt cry " or " boys don't read bookslike twilight which is from a females perspective". It's like he goes out Of his Way to makeme feel bad. I do everything he asks me to do like clean my room take out the trash but somehow is not good enough. He doesn't say I love you or thankyou because he thinks that showing emotion makes you a girl. Once I baked him a came for his birthday and instead of thanking me he said baking is for girls why can't you understand what guys can and cant do. I'm so frustrated with him. I'm trying to be confident in myself but he's always tearing it down. The one thing that drives me crazy about him is that he thinks he can tell me which guys I can and can't date. The only guy I've dated that he didn't hate was a quarterback on the football team. I want to have a good relationship with my dad but he's. A jerk. I have two younger brothers one plays football and one plays soccer and they both have no trouble bonding with him. Idk what to do should I just tell him how I feel it should I just ignore him?
You should tell your dad how you feel. You're going to at some point, so it may as well be planned rather than blurted out randomly. You should write him a letter (that may not be a 'manly' thing to do but the fact is that people speak and listen better when the words are written out in black and white). Post a draft on here and ask for help in its editing. -By the way, tha fact that you baked him a cake for his birthday is sooo sweet. He obviously has issues if he couldnt thank you for that.
Maybe you should tell him that you don't intend to compete for "who's the most manly man in the world ?" contest. That what you want is just to be allowed to be yourself, and that, yes, maybe some things that you do may seem "girly" to him (though I don't really see what's girly in saying thank you for instance, to me it's not being a man to act this way, it's just being rude...) but that's this is what makes happy and feeling good about yourself. You can also let him now that the way he is acting towards you makes you sad and that you're sorry that he seems to be constantly dispointed in you, but that you don't intend to change or fake to be someone you are not just to please him. I imagine this is going to be tough to do but I think it would be great to show him that you're not intimidated and that you can stand up for yourself. Take care, Cécile
Ok can I ask you something? Had your mom backed said cake do you think he would have said thank you? If your answer to that is yes he might not be withholding praise because its you per say but because you are a guy. I know that doesn't make it better, but I know a few guys that seem to think that any show of emotion towards another male is sissy or whatever. So he might not really be trying to hurt you with his behavior even though he is. He might honestly be expressing in his own messed up way his concern for what other people might say about your behavior. Again doesn't make it right or better but some times a different view makes it easier to understand and thus confront. Really what I think you need to do is sit down with your dad and tell him in a short and as none angry was as you can that his actions hurt you and you feel like a disappointment to him. He may react with shock and explain that you are not. Most parents I know are never cruel to there child intentionally and genuinely are surprised when told they are hurting them. Though a little warning don't expect a huge emotional response from him....might not be more then a stammered your my son. Take that as son I love you and am never disappointed in you. A guy like your dad may have trouble voicing or showing emotion and you might need a translator because it seems you two speak two different languages. Also is there ANYTHING that you two have in common? Any activity at all that you two both enjoy that you can bond over? If you don't trying to find one might help. Heck there has to be SOMETHING there that you guys can bond over? Oh and how is your relationship with your brothers? Enlisting their help might be a good idea even if its just how to approach it. They might be able to offer you better insight into how and why he acts like he does and how to go about explaining that it is hurting you. Keep your chin up I am sure he doesn't mean it even if that doesn't take the sting out of whats said you gotta remember he does love you and may just have issues showing it.
Yes, you should talk to him. If you simply ignore problems there is no chance that things will get better. And I think your dad is open to a better relationship. The fact that he pays attention to who you date, and even liked one (even if it was for the wrong reasons), shows that there is some acceptance there. I agree about a letter. The easiest thing to do would simply be printing out what you wrote in your post and giving that to him, as I felt it was very clear as well as fair. If you want to edit it you could add what Cécile said in the first paragraph above.
I think bibliophile summed it up pretty nicely. The problem that you dad has nothing to do with you and everything with the fact that he just isn't comofortable with people that deviate from gender roles and it sounds like your dad has some really strict ones, which probably come from his own interactions with dad. Its a tought situation to be in since its your dad that has to change and not you. Its even tougher because some dads just don't think that they have to change at all and that their kid is the one that has to change, which is just plain wrong. My dad was actually just like yours. He was ridicoulosly strict about what a guy could do and not do. I wasn't even allowed to use hand lotion since having soft skin was for girls xD And lets not start with the whole crying thing. Either way, the point is that my dad, with the help of my mom, changed when I was around 15-16. Its a tough change to make though, but its possible. The path to getting there is going to be tough, though. So you are going to have to be strong and not let him get to you too much. I just wante to let you know that you are not alone and its definitely not your fault. Any of it. Its your dad and he is the one that needs to change. I can't say this enough, but don't even let his actions toward you affect you too much. Keep being yourself
I told my dad how I felt and strangely he said he never meant to make me feel bad and he said he loves me. Which he never says. And he hugged me which was also a shock. He never does that either he even said it was very man of me to confront him like that. So thanks for the advice
That was very brave of you to let him know how you felt, and I am sure he knows that. I am happy for you it went so well and I hope that from now on your dad's behavior is going to get better and that you're going to be more comfortable around him. (*hug*)(*hug*) take care, Cécile
