Hi I am in a secret gay relationship right now. The problem is my partner is struggling to come to grips with it. He doesn't see it as an option to come out. He says he can never come out. I have never expected him to, I am scared too so I don't blame him, but hes talking about ending things with me because he think if hes not coming out, then where can the relationship go? I agree that if the other person isn't willing to come out, the relationship cant go anywhere. I love this guy and and I want to be with him and he wants to be with me. I'm worried hes the only guy that I could ever be comfortable with. I trust him. I have been very gentle so far with the topic of coming out. How do I get him to see that its an option? Thanks.
First, I welcome you to EC! Second, maybe you can show him a bunch of article clippings about how things are changing for LGBTers, and how not everyone is a right-wing nut. Is he worried about his family, his workplace? What exactly is it that he's scared about?
yeah hes scared about what other people with think, in the workplace, friends, his parents. He is SO scared. so showing him articles will probably push him away from me. I dont want this to end, i just want him i dont care if i have to keep it a secret, I just want him.
maybe he doesn't have to come out yet, lots of couples are very happy and long term with one or both of them still in the closet, it is more stressful that way, but it certainly can be done, i would just focus on the fact that you care about him, and vice versa. I'm not saying don't come out, but it certainly doesn't have to happen tmrw, he might just need time to come to terms and be more comfortable with it.
this is what im thinking. and i agree we can sit in the closet and its fine, as long as im with him. it makes him nervous when i tell him i love him and how much he means to me. and every now and then he spits it out too. i know he loves me, on some level, and that im special to him. i just dont want things to be over cause he feels like if he cant come out then this goes no where. I need something to keep him in the relationship for now and in the mean while he can get comfortable with himself. ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2011 at 10:37 PM ---------- i want to just tell him all the time that he means so much to me but i know that scares him.
How old are you guys? Just thought I'd ask, since I don't think its been mentioned. But in my opinion, I think you need to buck up and just let out some of your frustrations about him. Keeping up this can't be very healthy for you. I know that you want him and want to be with him at all costs, but you need to ket him know that he can't be with you and then act like he has no same-sex attraction. I know I'm going to be blasted for this, but honestly, I think he needs a kick in the pants to get going. Obviously he's going to react negatively at first when you bring up self-acceptance/coming out. Keyword: at first. He may get angry or even break up with you, for the time being. But where he is, he may be in more need of a friend than a boyfriend. A relationship, especially one you're not comfortable in, opens up a brand new can of worms than sexual self-awareness. But this is just my opinion of what you should do. This is a tough situation, so there's more likely to be a tough solution. But I'm sure that Lex or Chip or someone will post at some point with advice far superior to my own :icon_wink
It sounds to me like he's still struggling with his orientation - and accepting it himself. He's uncomfortable in his own skin, never mind what others might think of him. And as a result, he isn't comfortable really expressing his emotions for you - perhaps because he hasn't really accepted that he's gay, or isn't happy about it. If he isn't comfortable with being gay, he's not really available to you completely in a relationship. He's not ready while perhaps you are. Is this a 'first' for both of you? I'm sensing that. To you I would suggest that there really are other fish in the sea - and that it's unlikely that this is the ONLY guy who could ever make you happy. He sounds like he's actually driving a fair amount of frustration in your life. And that isn't a required ingredient in relationships. He needs to be able to love himself the way he is before he's going to be able to let anyone else love him.
Relationships where one party is closeted can work for a while, but they rarely work in the long term. The problem is that over time you (the out person) start to feel second class because there's never any mention of you to his family, friends, etc., and no matter how much you love him, that gets wearing. As to the idea that he's the only person you could ever love... that tends to be a common feeling for everyone who is in their first relationship. And the truth is, that's pretty much never true. Even if/when this relationship ends, there will be another that's as good as, or better than, this one. Another piece I'd consider is you and your own self esteem. When you set yourself in a position of allowing him to dictate the rules, you aren't honoring your own wants and needs. And having a relationship that is open is generally pretty important to one's emotional health. So in the long term, staying in a closeted relationship is generally not very healthy to your self esteem. It's clear he has a lot of internalized homophobia and is uncomfortable with who he is. That's something that will take time. If he isn't ready to even *think* about coming out, do you think he'd be willing to at least start seeing a therapist? Quite a few people who *swear* they could never come out find that they can, once they embark on a path of self-growth. I'd encourage you to continue talking to him, and maybe encourage him to join EC and read about the experiences others have had. It can be very inspiring and confidence building to see how others have been in the same place and moved beyond it. I hope that helps and I hope you'll keep us up to date on what happens.
Hey It sounds like this guys struggling with who he really is. Its very early days for him and it takes time to adjust and eventually admit to yourself who you really are until then its the terrifying and easy to cut ties and run for the hills. Be patient with him, no pressure, be supportive and see where it goes. You can run but you cant hide forever! Good luck
